Not sure what to do

[goalie]

At a point not sure what to do – perhaps I need to find another partner on the side. I am a husband with a high drive married to a wife with no drive. Some background – both are 50 yo, married for 30 yrs. We have 3 adult children and are raising a year old grand daughter – this might be a part of problem.

My wife had gone into low sex drive periods when the kids were young and here we go again. There are strong indications of a EA and possible PA on her part 5-6 yrs ago. We went through high frequency (2X week) period 2007 – last March after a long drought of no sex in 2005 and 2006.

Since last March, going once every 4 months and absolutely no initiation on her part. As of 2010 – nothing.

I have tried everything that I can think of – even buy a bouquet of flowers when I take the grand child for shopping on the weekends – this is not new actually. Date nights every Friday or Saturday. I help around the house – she works a part time job about 2 days per week.

She has gain some weight since menopause but is not overly overweight. I hint at my frustration but now just don’t mention it. I am sure she is happy I don’t mention it anymore. What I don’t get – is that her desire goes up and down year from year. I may be 50 but not ready to stop sex because I am too old. That’s not the case – no drugs are needed and the lack of sex is incredibly frustrating and even painful. I am not into self-help, doesn’t do anything for me – I like to have a warm body next to me and some affection. Not sure if she just doesn’t care for me anymore or I don’t satisfy her. I am at a point that I wont turn it down if offered.

Sorry for the disjointed sentences - just frustrated and pissed off about this subject. Guys are supposed to just take it but what would happen I decided I didn't feel like going to work and quit the job.

Any ideas or some pointers to jump start me - not sure how I can maintain patience - just don't want to go through 2005-06 again - not sure I can handle two yrs.

[dgtal]

I'm going thru the same thing. I really dont know what to tell you since we all have to learn by ourselve the concept of how much is too low or how high is too high. She doesn't want more than once every month, I want to do it every day.

My negative reaction (protesting, internet porn, internet chating, pursuing sex outside home) almost ruined our marriage. I learn to be patient and cool off a bit. Taking care of all my W and D needs. Now everybody is happy at home. Since the day I changed (19 months) the average love making increased from 1 to 3 times at month. Still not what I want. But, for sure I want to stay with my family because I love them. I love my wife like no body else in this world.

There is a statement in the Sex Starved Marriage book: the more you want the less interest she will have. The less interest in sex you notice she has, the more you want. The more they reject us the more sexual we feel. Its like the physic's action reaction law. So what, I'M TRYING TO BEAT THE HUMAN LAW TO LIVE LIKE HUMAN.

[dgtal]

So what, TRY TO BEAT THE PHYSIC LAW. Take care of yourself quietly. Don't openly express yourself that you are in desperate need for physical affection. (i.e: don't get caught masturbating in front of your computer..lol) Remember, the more you pursue the less you will receive.

[goalie]

I love my wife like no body else in this world.

Same here

My negative reaction (protesting, internet porn, internet chating, pursuing sex outside home) almost ruined our marriage. I learn to be patient and cool off a bit.

I am working this angle altho I have never been much in protesting.

More info

She is diagnosed bi-polar II - so needless to say - lots of drama in the house. She will go thru some cycles of mania and then depression. She is on medication and seems more stabilized - the drug is supposed to not have am effect on libido but wondering if menopause might be the culprit.

Daughter is youngest. Have two sons that are older: one is successful pharm sales and middle child will grad from college this spring with 3.97 and accepted to med school in fall. Dtr had unplanned pregnancy but made a deal with her that we will take care of grand dtr while she finishes school and gets in a stable environment and decent paying job.

No way will let my grand daughter suffer.

Concerned that my wife's attitude towards sex has drastically changed. She now thinks its gross and I just need to get over it and not worry about having it. I had my fun and now its over - frustrating to listen to this crap. Just bite my tongue and not pursue it further.

[HDhusband]

Not sure if she just doesn’t care for me anymore or I don’t satisfy her.

The first thing you need to do is ask her why she no longer seems interested in sex. She may have no idea. But it is at least worth asking. Report back on what she says and we will be able to give you better advice.

[Young at Heart]

There is an interesting book that my wife had me read, as it was suggested to her by her individual sex therapist. It is called, Still Sexy after All these Years.

It was both depressing and explained a lot. The book was based on the interviews of thousands of women over the age of 50 and focused on their feelings toward sexuality and arousal.

The first few chapters were pretty depressing. It was woman after woman saying things like, "I would rather pick apples, than have sex with my husband," "Wouldn't you rather get a good nights sleep that have sex," "the key to domestic happiness is to feed your man really well, so all he wants to do is go to sleep."

Later in the book it talked about how some women in the cycle of more or less libido figured out ways to cope, to add senuality to their relationship/life, what worked on pushing themselves.

The bottom line was that the book explained to me that some of my wifes ups and downs in libido were probably natural and it gave us both some things to think about as to how to when the libido is low we can add sensuality to our relationship and bond even closer to each other.

Having said that, my wife through both individual sex therapy an and a couples sex therapy/marriage counsel that she had a deep seated anger toward me for things that happened 20 years ago. It took her recognizing it, recognizing that she played a central role in what happened, that what she did to me was exactly the same thing she was angry about me doing to her, before she could forgive me and we regained a healthy sex life. Her therapist told her that the principal reason that older women, who have no medical reason, don't have sex with their husbands, is that they are angry at their husband.

I strongly suggest tying to find a really good board certified sex therapist to see as a couple. It sounds like you have been blessed with quite a wonderful family and have a lot to stay together for.

Good luck.

[dgtal]

"...Her therapist told her that the principal reason that older women, who have no medical reason, don't have sex with their husbands, is that they are angry at their husband..."

I agree.

I discarded physiological reasons once I convinced her to see a Medical Dr. (friend of mine) who put her in a hormones replacement treatment for 6 months. Not difference, nothing changed. She still has LSD. She is 50 and she started to behave different when she turned 42. I'm trying to find a link between her LSD and everything around our lives, including her EA.

Before I drive myself crazy trying to find reasons I decided the other way around. Changing myself. I had to stick to something: Do you want to have a lot of sex? YES, ok, then get a divorce and take a girl or two or three, or even fill up your apartment with a bunch of girls and have "a lot" of sex, every night, every day until your d!*k hurts. Are you going to be happy after all this? NOPE!!! In the other side of the scale: put yourself at home with your lovely wife and your beautiful family with very limited sex. It sounds better. I chose this one. As a matter of fact, I guess things can be turned around only if she is happy with you and you meet her emotional needs.

I feel better concentrating all my energies experimenting and trying different approaches to make her feel more sexual than expending (wasting) time in the internet, going to places like bars, coursing with anything that moves around with nice legs, nice tits, great bodies.

I this moment I'm trying romantic moments (she and me alone), candles, flowers, deserted beaches with white sand, vacation time in a cruise ship. All of the above, nothing seems to work as a magical switch. But instead I'm giving myself time (2 years at the best)to see results. I'm writing in my calendar the progress and it is worthy.

[Young at Heart]

....I discarded physiological reasons.....

....In the other side of the scale: put yourself at home with your lovely wife and your beautiful family with very limited sex. It sounds better. I chose this one. As a matter of fact, I guess things can be turned around only if she is happy with you and you meet her emotional needs.

I feel better concentrating all my energies experimenting and trying different approaches to make her feel more sexual than expending (wasting) time in the internet, going to places like bars, coursing with anything that moves around with nice legs, nice tits, great bodies.

I this moment I'm trying romantic moments (she and me alone), candles, flowers, deserted beaches with white sand, vacation time in a cruise ship. All of the above, nothing seems to work as a magical switch. But instead I'm giving myself time (2 years at the best)to see results. I'm writing in my calendar the progress and it is worthy.

Boy do I identify with you. I also applaud your choices!

For me the critical books that helped me understand myself, understand my wife and allowed me to make significant advances in my relationship with my wife were:

MWD--SSM
Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight
Chapman, the Five Languages of Love
No More Mr. Nice Guy
Foot Reflexology
Gottman, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

SSM is something that both my wife and I read and it really helped me figure out a lot.

Chapman's the Five Languages of Love allowed me to understand that my wife had been telling me she loved me for the past 30 years in a way that just didn't feel like love to me. It also allowed me to understand I have been expressing my love to my wife in ways that didn't feel like "love" to her. After I read it and reread it, I started to treat my wife in ways that made her feel loved. That made a huge difference in our relationship. After joint counseling with a sex therapist she finally started to understand from having read this book and Hold Me Tight that she had been expressing love to me in ways that just didn't feel like "love" to me and that I have had years of being starved for love.

SSM, Hold Me Tight, and Seven Principles helped me understand how to bettter communicate and NEGOTIATE with my wife. Actually, watching our sex therapist negotiate with my wife, was the best mentoring in interpersonal boundary setting and focusing on results I have every experienced.

I am not sure that romantic gestures like flowers would have worked for me. My wife is a quality of time and acts of service person.

For me the real break through came with foot reflexology, doing certain new high profile domestic chores around the house, and making a point of each day connecting with her twice a day emotionally.

I think that there is a scene in Pulp Fiction where one of the characters says something to the effect that he really likes giving foot rubs to women, "...because after all, its only a foot rub, but in reality, it is always much more than just a foot rub." My wife could accept a foot rub/massage as a non-sexual advance, but it did arouse her to the point that she wanted sex. It is something that even a woman with body self image issues can seem to enjoy and become arroused. Based on the feed back I have gotten from my wife and our joint sex therapist, I have a feeling that foot rubs are something that most women enjoy on multiple levels.

There are some rituals in the Gottman Seven Principles of a Successfull Marriage in the chapter on the 5 (or 5.5) Magic Hours per week. I really think that those rituals can do a lot to draw a couple together into a stronger more intimate marriage. I like the hugging on waking, separating, and coming home. If you can combine that with the MWD SSM Nike or "just do it" recommendation on sex, then you can probably find happiness.

I have gone from a moderately SSM, and 5-6 months of no sex to having sex between 2 to 3 times a week plus other times of affection, touching and make-out sessions with my wife. Stay positive, make her feel loved, visualize yourself becoming happy and getting what you need, get outside help, read all kinds of relationship books.

Good luck to you, it sounds like you have a family and marriage worth fighting for. Ultimately, she will probably come to that conclusion as well.

[dgtal]

Young @ H, I hope goalie is reading all these comments. Very helpful.
Gary Chapman book is excellent. My W languages are the same of your W: 80% act of service and 20% quality of time. My language is Physical Touch. I also read SSM, excellent tool. I will put in my agenda the other 4 books you mentioned above.

I'm inviting my wife to read SSM but I haven't been lucky. This one is made for her. She read The 5 Languages however. As of matter of fact she read it first, approx. 4 years ago and then she put it in the toilet, in my night stand, in my tool box, and I never paid attention to it.

About foot rub and massage, its part of our live 4 to 5 times a week. But guess what, I'm the one geting sexually arroused just by touching her precious body. She usually fell asleep and 1 out of 10 times it ended in sex. We usually do it both naked. I could be burning hard but she doesn't even let me touch her intimate parts. I tried to avoid it but its very dificult. She hit very hard ...ouch.

[goalie]

Thanks

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