I do a great job with doing acts of service (my LL).
Understand that your wife's LL must not be acts of service if that is the way you are expressing it. If she were to do acts of service for you, that would be filling your "love bucket". Most women do not have a LL of touch IMHO.
However I am sure I could get hit with some 2x4's by some of the women here for saying that!
Looking at the bright side you have 1 down and 4 to go!
Experiment and monitor results(DB rule).
I have an advantage that I got my W to read the book and take the test.
Please keep reminding me to keep my expectations low.
So noted; read above statement, Cyclone.
OP, you will not get any 2x4's from me. Your advice is sound on the money.
Each person is different in their love languages.
I get the feeling that if you ask her about OM, she will shut down and run away; so you're right, don't ask. You will know when OM is out of the picture completely; don't know how I know that, you just will.
Quote:
All told there were many more positive steps than negative ones this weekend. I am working like crazy to not fall into a place were I feel like things are going back to the way they were.
Understand that however they may come back, things have already changed, and not be the same, ever again. You have already changed, she will continue to change. Continue to go on with your life, don't get sucked into any drama she might create, treat her as you would a friend, and go no farther for now.
The camping trip will be interesting, if she holds to her decision to go. So many things changing, and you're scared, which is understandable.
Slowly, slowly she creeps forward. Got my fingers crossed for you, and your family.
Quote:
Growing up I didn't have a role model of displays of affection and my W needs this from me. I see now that i've never really initiated that sort of affection, I've just responded to it. I want to work on changing that but feel that it is still too soon and would be too much pressure. I have been taking more opportunities for casual touches. I think that is all I can give right now. It is so hard to restrain myself.
The opportunities for casual touches are fine. You're right, it is too soon to try for a little more. Do more of what works, less of what doesn't.
Most men think it is enough that they are out working for a living(acts of service), and they were never taught to give affection outside of the bedroom. I will say my husband is the opposite of this, he gives affection and says "I love you" freely, but withholds other things, like compliments and such that would be geared to build my self-esteem..not his fault, just the way he's built. I have to remind him sometimes I like hearing compliments from him. And, I just take what I can get in that way.
If I didn't build my own confidence, etc., within me, and had to depend on him for it, it would never happen. That's why ALL things come from within ourselves; we can never depend on any one person to provide what should come from within us.
I'd say you're doing fine, just keep working on yourself, keep half an eye on her, continue with low expectations, she seems to be coming along all right.
Babysteps, and time on your side, again, low expectations; continue to wait and watch.
Keep us posted on what happens.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Tonight W finally admitted to the PA. It was unprovoked and out of the blue. Pretty courageous. Although it is funny that she doesn't think it is wrong. I handled it calmly but who knows if what was said does more damage or not.
She still wants to be married and is very confused. I told her that I will wait as long as I can for her to come to a place of clarity to make her decision but that I wouldn't waif around forever. I also told her that I didn't think that as long as there was someone else involved that MC would work. When she is ready she can come to me.
This is just a vent but it is funny that she can say that she loves me unconditionally and then not see that her love is absolutely conditional. Otherwise she wouldn't go outside our marriage when things get tough. I didn't tell her that but I am thinking it.
Good things my expectations were low. I don't feel too bad. It's something I've suspected for quite some time so it didn't hit me like the ton of bricks. Just several hundred pounds of them. It's not possible to be completely prepared for that talk.
Keep doing what works right?
Me: 43 W: 40 S10,S7 M12, T13+
My sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1952314&page=1
Tonight W finally admitted to the PA. It was unprovoked and out of the blue. Pretty courageous. Although it is funny that she doesn't think it is wrong. I handled it calmly but who knows if what was said does more damage or not.
She still wants to be married and is very confused. I told her that I will wait as long as I can for her to come to a place of clarity to make her decision but that I wouldn't waif around forever. I also told her that I didn't think that as long as there was someone else involved that MC would work. When she is ready she can come to me.
What was her response when you told her this? You've laid an ultimatum of sorts, letting her know the door won't be open for very long at all for her decision. You have a perfect right to do this..she's destroyed the marriage with her very actions, MLC or not. There's NO excuse for it, none at all.
She wants to be married, yet is confused..that is normal, so now, you wait and see what she does, as the ball has gone right back into her court. Yet, it is in YOURS, too, since her confession to you.
You are right, as long as there is three people in a relationship, NO work can be done on the marriage.
My thinking question for you is this: If she should dump OM completely and come back to you, can you forgive her and accept her back?
The door leading you out of the marriage opened when she committed adultery against you, and you have a hard choice before you that has NOTHING to do with her, but would be a result of her actions against you.
These are things to think about.
Generally, men and women both think differently on the subject of adultery. But then people as a whole have differing opinions.
Adultery is an extremely selfish act, literally spitting in the face of the vows that are taken when married..the violation is far-reaching, and very hurtful toward the faithful spouse.
You're shocked, but not really, as you've suspected this coming.
Remember that she didn't really do this to you...she did it to HERSELF...and if you should choose NOT to have her back, you are NOT at fault for this choice.
No more for me to say here, the choice is yours...it's put you at a crossroads at this time.
I feel for you, I've been there; my husband didn't confess, but I knew, I always knew, and it was a hard struggle for me to accept that it happened.
I had to work through the negative feelings that came when the signs fell and I found out, and it was two years before I totally forgave him for committing adultery against me.
When it did come up again, later on, I didn't bring it up, HE did. And I told him to either tell the truth or shut up, that had been forgiven long ago. But I also let him know in NO uncertain terms that if it EVER happened again, I would NOT go through this again..I would simply show him the door and possibly kick him in the hind end as he went out of it.
In present time, I don't wait for the "other shoe to drop", and the only reason I remember it happening is that it's connected with the lessons I learned while within this trial.
You forgive, but you never forget, because if you forget what happened, you never learned the lesson associated with the offense. Forgiveness is for you, not the other party...you, in effect, tear up the blank check, agreeing not to hold the offense against the other...letting it go. But not until the issue behind the affair gets resolved, or the spouse decides to walk away totally.
In time, you do heal, whether the marriage comes through or not, continuing to grow and change, facing everything that's happened.
Keep us posted on what happens.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
My thinking question for you is this: If she should dump OM completely and come back to you, can you forgive her and accept her back?
Since I have had a lot of time to think about this very question, I know that I can forgive her and accept her back.
Quote:
You're shocked, but not really, as you've suspected this coming.
So true. I've actually been waiting for the day when she would finally confess. She's not a very good liar even though she has been practicing a lot the past many months.
She still wants to go on the camping trip. We'll see how that goes. She got very upset this morning when I left for work without very much to say to her. She called just to chat already this morning. I kept the conversation short; I am staying away from the drama.
Me: 43 W: 40 S10,S7 M12, T13+
My sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1952314&page=1
She still wants to go on the camping trip. We'll see how that goes. She got very upset this morning when I left for work without very much to say to her. She called just to chat already this morning. I kept the conversation short; I am staying away from the drama.
Well, what did she expect? In essence, she has bombed you again. It is one thing to suspect something has happened, quite another when it comes into reality, and you're told by the very person who made a promise to love, cherish and keep herself only unto you.
Your world has crashed again, but you'll recover; you contain that kind of strength within.
What comes to mind is the less said right now, the better the situation will work out for you....she has to know through your very actions that she has hurt you...and could lose you if she doesn't do something to turn the situation around...and her first thought should be dumping OM..but you can't say that to her. She has to make this decision on her own, while you continue on with your life for the time being.
You are right, stay away from the drama as much as you can..you've said all you need to say, now SHE has some hard decisions to make.
I'm thinking she will start pursuing you now that you've(in action) have turned away, and she sees you have. That is why she got upset when you left for work. You had nothing to say, and she sees that she may lose you. She called to see where things stood between you, and you cut the conversation short; NOT what she expected you to do, and that has thrown her off-balance. Good, she NEEDS to be off-balance for the time being; you've had enough of being that way yourself.
I'm thinking you're doing the right thing..this may be a turning point for her or she may turn back away toward OM...things could go either way at this point.
I'm praying, most seriously, that she will begin the full turn toward you, dump the OM, and start coming back in earnest.
It's a good sign that she still wants to go on the camping trip with you and the children.
The confessions were/are the starting point, your lack of reaction is another point...but you turning away, or the looking like you are doing that is having its affect on her.
You love her dearly in spite of what she's done, and you're struggling to get this right...and I think you're doing fine.
Just remember the decision is hers, and she has to be let go to make whatever decision she will make; and love her enough to keep letting her go, regardless of how she decides to go.
She, too, is at a crossroads.
I don't advocate being "mean" to MLC'ers, but your actions have stated a point to her, and that is NOT being mean at all...so please don't take what I've said as you being that way.
Consequences for our actions is a serious step that gets taken every time we pursue an action...MLC'ers aren't any different; but they, because of the confusing nature of the crisis, don't see their actions as being hurtful, or even wrong.
At certain times of this, though, they see clearly what can happen if they don't straighten up and start flying right.
Keep us posted on what happens.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
W called several times today. The last call was to tell me that she call the MC she had been seeing by herself before the new year and set up an appointment for later in the afternoon. She wanted me to join her if the MC thought it would be ok. I told her that I would be interested in MC if we both have the same goal. Otherwise there is no point.
She never did tell me what her goal with MC but wanted me to show up for the last 10 min. I didn't get to join them until the session was over (she didn't respond to my text that I was there). A session was scheduled for Thursday.
W spent a lot of time on the phone earlier talking about how she didn't know that I was interested in her and that I loved her because I didn't show it. Not true in the beginning but since I found DR I can see how she would feel that way. This feels like an attempt to hoover me back to a place she is comfortable with. Who knows especially with the behavior the past week. It is so hard to not show her my true feelings when that is the very thing she has complained about and what she was looking for with OM.
I'll give the session Thursday a go and play things by ear until then.
As you say. It'll go one way or the other. Maybe it's time to try something different.
Me: 43 W: 40 S10,S7 M12, T13+
My sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1952314&page=1
Interesting turn of events. She's trying to regain control of the situation by not responding to your text when she was at the MC.
Like you say, play it by ear, see what happens.
Right now, she doesn't know you..you've changed that much, Cyclone. Don't allow her to hoover you back to what she is comfortable with..that defeats the purpose of your changes.
Don't know what to suggest in the way of something different, but, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Keep us posted on what happens.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Interesting turn of events. She's trying to regain control of the situation by not responding to your text when she was at the MC.
The MC and she didn't hear the phone for the text. I think it was an honest mistake. She is trying to regain control of things though. Today more phone calls. I think she has called more the past few days that the past couple of months combined.
The wedding ring is on again off again. This morning on, tonight off. I'm still trying my hardest to do DB well. I am following her lead and engaging in light conversation that she initiates. She has been initiating a lot of conversations. Tonight she Is back out of the house and when I got home from work she was noticably more distant. Much moreike her behavior before the past week or so. The guilt must be intense but like an addict she can't help herself. I does help to keep things real and seves as a reminder go stay detached as much as possible.
I had a great evening with the kids coloring Easter eggs and going on tour in rock band.
Tomorrow's MC session should be interesting. I'm going to let her lead the discussion. I wonder if she does know just how much her actions have hurt me. I'm trying to not give any power to her PA but not aknowledging it so she may not get it. I'm finding it hard to be short and somewhat distant while not coming across as cold and unfeeling.
There are baby steps and I won't let a night like tonight set me back. I am patient. I will make it through this.
Last edited by cyclone; 04/01/1004:48 AM. Reason: All thumbs
Me: 43 W: 40 S10,S7 M12, T13+
My sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1952314&page=1
The MC and she didn't hear the phone for the text. I think it was an honest mistake. She is trying to regain control of things though. Today more phone calls. I think she has called more the past few days that the past couple of months combined.
That tells me, she either had it set to vibrate, or set to silent mode, the MC wouldn't have heard it either way.
Through the phone calls she's really trying hard to see where you stand..and you're NOT where she left you; that DOES have her unbalanced for the moment....and that NEEDS to happen for her.
She does NOT need to have you in the place you once were any longer..the only way she's going to realize she's possibly losing you is for you to stay mysterious, keep moving around in ways she's not seen before.
It sounds like a game, and in a way it is...it's poker, chess, a battle/war for control/dominance; but it can't last for too long, as she's got a choice to make.
The wedding band going off and coming on, signifies her hard time making a solid choice...try and ignore that, if possible, as honestly, the ring means nothing in the greater scheme of things...if the feelings aren't there or materialize, the ring doesn't mean a thing.
You're right, you WILL make it through this, no matter how it comes out.
I'm fairly sure she has a good idea of how much you've been hurt, but in MLC fashion, her justifications at this time, outweigh her guilt...the wall/house of cards she's built will fall later on, I can only hope it's sooner than later.
Continue to wait and watch, fielding calls as necessary..staying detached as she has to do this on her own with NO help from you.
You'll know when it's time to begin to bridge the gap between you, she will give a definite sign you will NOT miss as it will be clear for you.
Keep us posted.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
