Advice on possible EA

[gregr1111]

Hi I have been reading the boards for I while now. I need some advice please.

I dont want to get into the whole story about how I got to where I am just yet but presently it is as follows

Separated (2 weeks now but she dropped the bomb in Dec already)with no talk of reconciliation, D mentioned once or twice but sometimes reaveals a glimmer of hope. ( I dont get excited about that anymore as if I mention anything I just get shot down and push even further away
Doesn’t really see herself as my wife anymore so might see another relationship as justified.
I really did screw up so she really holds all the cards here.
Her attitude is that she needs to find herself again and has this huge journey she needs to go on to rediscover herself. That person she says she lost during our relationship

Heres my problem:

Did a bit of snooping on her facebook and texts.

Found messages on facebook to a friend she met at a previous company about 7yrs ago. At that time we were temporarily separated too (but not married yet) she did admit she was attracted to him at the time but nothing happened between them (she said she was attracted to him because he looked and reminded her of me)
Messages were not suggestive, but she did go into detail about our situation and how she is on that journey she is always going on about lately. This bugs me as I feel that she shouldnt be telling these Male "friends" about our troubles and then exposing her weaknesses to them (the journey thing)giving them all the info they need to push her buttons - - cue sensitive deep caring male type


Found texts on phone from a work friend. she has spoken to me 1 or 2 times about him and likes how “deep and philosophical” he is. But he supposedly happily married with 2 kids, and 13 yrs older than her. I was not comfortable with the endearing terms he used in his texts.
I did confront her about these and she said that obviously she found the attention flattering considering the situation we are in, but seeing someone else is the last thing on her mind. She says he has lots of female friends and she definitely doesn’t have any interest in him and he sees her as just a friend too.
Found photos on our camera she took when she went out for her sisters Bday. Pics with who I assume is him (I haven’t seen him yet) They went to a salsa type club and there were some pics with them dancing together, and some posed photos. There were photos of him and some of the other girls (he was the only guy there) but you could see his body language in the photos of them together that he was quite enjoying her company. Her body language wasn’t like she was into him or anything but she wasn’t uncomfortable around him. She doesn’t know I have seen the photos, but when I was at the house (where she still lives) today the camera was on the dining room table – that’s when I looked at the photos. She discretely moved the camera to behind the study desk when she got home.

My dilemma is: given my sitch, where I am the bad guy and she has no desire to save our relationship. So anything I know I cant really tell her as her finding out I have been spying on her will make her trust me even less than she already does - if thats possible.
My concern is that she is very vunerable right now, and anyone taking advantage of that will just end up messing her up even more.
My wife has always had a good head on her and I dont think having an affair is something on her to do list, but in her emotional state she is easy picking for some supposed "deep soul just looking for friendship"

The person I am most worried about is the work friend. I cant really say anything to her just yet and I dont have any proof of anything, but I know that he has motives of bieng more than just friends. I even raised my concern about this before she told me that she was leaving me (when everything was supposedly not so bad)but she was convinced he is not a threat.

Baxsically I just want to know what to do. I can t really confront her. Do I contact him - but if I do he might tell her and that would make me look bad.

I hope all of this makes sense.
Any advice highly appreciated

[sandi2]

In other words, she shows a history of having male friends that do not include her H. IMO, she shows inappropriate behavior and gets off on the attention of other men. I would also think in order for her to tell you that she was attracted to OM 7 yrs ago doesn't say much for her feelings toward you at that time.

What are your ages, do you have children, etc. The more information you give the better.

[Greek]

I dont want to get into the whole story about how I got to where I am just yet but presently it is as follows

At some point, though, the whole story is going to matter. But first....

Her attitude is that she needs to find herself again and has this huge journey she needs to go on to rediscover herself. That person she says she lost during our relationship

It happens.

Found messages on facebook to a friend she met at a previous company about 7yrs ago. At that time we were temporarily separated too (but not married yet) she did admit she was attracted to him at the time but nothing happened between them (she said she was attracted to him because he looked and reminded her of me)
Messages were not suggestive, but she did go into detail about our situation and how she is on that journey she is always going on about lately. This bugs me as I feel that she shouldnt be telling these Male "friends" about our troubles and then exposing her weaknesses to them (the journey thing)giving them all the info they need to push her buttons - - cue sensitive deep caring male type

You are correct. She should not.

Found texts on phone from a work friend. she has spoken to me 1 or 2 times about him and likes how “deep and philosophical” he is. But he supposedly happily married with 2 kids, and 13 yrs older than her. I was not comfortable with the endearing terms he used in his texts.

Correct, again.

My concern is that she is very vunerable right now, and anyone taking advantage of that will just end up messing her up even more.
My wife has always had a good head on her and I dont think having an affair is something on her to do list, but in her emotional state she is easy picking for some supposed "deep soul just looking for friendship"

What has she been missing all these years?

Sounds like she is having an A to me...or just about to.

If you have solid proof, confront her and draw the boundary.

But you still MUST grapple with the question of what she has been missing. Even if she is not having an A, she is throwing out all kinds of lures...looking for something. What's missing?

Greek

[Quart9]

Are you both still living in the same home? I hope you have not moved out.

"My wife has always had a good head on her and I dont think having an affair is something on her to do list..." You, me, and a lot of other people on this board said the same thing about their W or H and found out quite the opposite. If you have read other sitches here you already know this - keep it in mind.

Why in the hell was OM at her sister's b-day party? Is her sister cool with her bring OM around? I also agree she should not be talking to other men about y'alls sitch and you should tell her you are not comfortable with that.

If she works w/ OM she has contact w/ him everyday so she may not have much of a need to contact him outside of work (especially if he is married w/kids). Consider looking at her phone bill - you know multiple calls/texts to the same number. Do you have access to her e-mail?

Confronting other man does not seem like a good idea. It would make you look bad and could land you in jail. In the other sitch's I've read here it didn't help much and in my own sitch it made no difference.

You are lucky if you already have sandi2 and Greek responding to you. Others will come by to help.

[rottzilla]

Confronting never seems to work, it just makes them angry, and you're right about the snooping thing, that creates a huge rift - best not to do it at all. I don't think anyone on here really needs to snoop, we all know when an EA/PA starts by their behaviors. They all act the same, like there's some rule book out there.

I also ask... what was she missing? Is she willing to talk to you about anything, or is she emotionally closed off? (Not suggesting R talk here, just wondering if you know what and where it went wrong) More info please.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Confronting never seems to work, it just makes them angry, and you're right about the snooping thing, that creates a huge rift - best not to do it at all.

There is a time and a place for it. If you can handle it, if you can detach yourself to such an extent that you are more "hovering above" the marriage than emotionally in the MIDDLE of it . . . almost like a "game-playing" mode . . . then the information you can gather is invaluable.

However, if it's only going to serve to beat you down, and defeat you, then it's probably best not to do it.

In general, I'm only in favor of snooping when:

- you're initially trying to confirm an affair;

- as a gathering of evidence for a "cause" legal action of adultery, or to help you make a decision about custody;

- to confirm no-contact, as part of a MUTUALLY-AGREED-UPON transparency plan;

- you are concerned about dissipation of marital assets, or a drug, gambling or alcohol addition, or some other behavior that might prove harmful to the family.

Puppy

[broken2010]

Listen to these people, especially Puppy and Greek.

[rottzilla]

Puppy, you're absolutely right, as my snooping did lead me to confirm my DH's EA years ago, but then I found it was far from helpful, hurtful to me, and angered him when I continued, so I stopped and started DBing... I should have stated it that way.

[Quart9]

I agree with puppy too. It sounded like you were initially trying to figure out if and who she was having an A with. Greek touched on something that seems important also - what is your W missing, what does OP have to offer, and what need is your W trying to fulfill? Can you change to fulfill these needs she has?

[gregr1111]

OK I know its long but please try read it through :-)
Thanks for the replies so far
I think I need to elaborate on our sitch so you guys can have a clearer understanding on where we are coming from.
Me – 33
Her – 33
S – 7
S – 2
Together 11yrs, Married 4yrs

Although we have had a lot of good times together, both of us bought with us a lot of emotional baggage into our relationship ( We both suffer from depression, me with bipolar and ADD). I think the decay in our marriage started 7yrs ago. My W then Fiancé was pregnant with our first and I became involved with and addicted to drugs. I went to rehab and she wanted me out. We separated for a few months but she came back before our son was born. I gave her the whole “I will change story” and basically we just went on with things. About another year later she left me again. This time for about a year we lived apart, but after about 4 months of being apart we were pretty much together again – just not living together. (it was at this time that she told me that she had entertained the idea of seeing someone else – the guy I mentioned previously) After a year she and my son moved back in with me and we were together until December – when I ended up in rehab again for alcoholism. Even at this stage she was prepared to really do something about our marriage and start working on getting our lives sorted out when I came back. Unfortunately whilst I was in rehab (BTW, I actually went in to have my meds for my bipolar sorted out, but when I was there they discovered out that I drink more than I should so I was moved to the substance program while there, you shouldn’t be drinking when taking these meds anyway so it is a good thing) someone with nothing better to do started a rumour that I was spotted kissing one of the other patients –a pretty little 17yr old girl. This wasn’t true btw, I have done a lot of things in my marriage but infidelity is not one of them. I decided to tell my wife about this silly rumour as I thought that seeing as we are going to be working on things I should start being more open with her. BIG mistake – she didn’t believe me, told me it was over and when I get out she wants me gone. She did eventually agree to a separation period of 6 months after which we would look at counselling. When I did get back I didn’t leave however and at one point it looked like we were actually going to sort things out. But then things went sour again, she said that I am going back to my old routine and I will never change. Now she wanted me to go with no assurances of any reconciliation, it might happen – it might not – that type of attitude. The longer I stayed at home the worse I seemed to make it so I moved
At present I have been out of the house for almost 2 weeks now. Trying to give her space and not suffocate her with talk of our R but it is hard as many of you know, it is difficult to put on a happy face when you feel so crushed inside. But if you don’t then you just remind her of why she doesn’t want to be with this pathetic person in the first place.

Some of you asked what she is missing from me? Well basically everything. Last year was a bad year for me. My work became less and less I was in a very bad place psychologically and emotionally. And just let myself slip into a pathetic looser I suppose. My wife is a very strong independent woman, and is very successful at work. and slowly I have let myself slip into a role of basically just a nother child to her, she took on the role of the man of the house as well as mother and main bread winner\. This is just the last years events that led to the final meltdown.
But the real problems started 7 years ago when my drug addiction first came out. We never really dealt with it, talked about it and allowed for forgiveness and healing to take place. So basically she has been putting up defences to protect herself from me and I put up shields to protect myself from her – we all know the story. I try avoid that there were any issues and just let myself become obsessed with whatever hobby or pastime had my interest at the time, so I guess I was never really there for her. So while for the worst husband awards I would probably be up there quite high, I cant accept all the blame I have always loved my wife and family but we just became so emotionally detached from one another that all that I wanted I was too afraid to try get.
Anyway I think I have said enough – I could go on all night so I will stop here.
Again any advice I would really appreciate