Some questions

[Cautious]

Some people look at the "Another Divorce Busted" section for inspiration, I, however, look at piecing. It's where I hope to be within the next year (fingers crossed). So I had some questions to sort of mentally prepare myself before I get here.

1. How do you deal with insecurities re: OP?

2. At what point did you decide you were officially piecing.

3. Now this one's a little weird. My view on NC is to make HIM come to ME since I had always GONE to HIM. At what point is it acceptable (probably before piecing) for me to start pursuing him again (I mean, in a M it can't be all one sided forever, right?)? I guess what I'm saying is after a few successful dates, can I ask him out?

[Dr LOve]

1. How do you deal with insecurities re: OP?
Wow I have been at this for three years and I still have insecurities. But the fact is I did not have them before and I think that was part of the problem. I was too secure in our relationship.
Having insecurities and how you deal with them is what I think you need work on. I know I need to work on trust just enough to not be smothering yet not too much to be taken as a fool again.


2. At what point did you decide you were officially piecing.

I think the minute YOU decide to try and do your part you have started piecing. It’s trying to put it all back together again.

3. Now this one's a little weird. My view on NC is to make HIM come to ME since I had always GONE to HIM. At what point is it acceptable (probably before piecing) for me to start pursuing him again (I mean, in an M it can't be all one sided forever, right?)? I guess what I'm saying is after a few successful dates, can I ask him out?

This is different for you than I. We never got divorce or separated. (Well she does sleep in another room though)
You have a son... I would just let things happen with him involved like b-day or activities and see how it goes. If things go well there I see no problem having lunch or something without your son. The problem comes in how you ask for the “lunch date” and how you react. You can’t expect anything. You have to keep in mind if it happens it happens if not no big deal.
You: Hey you want to go to lunch Tuesday?
Him: Na I have to meet with so and so
You: no problem I just thought it would be nice to have lunch sometime... maybe next week

AND LET IT GO WITH A SMILE…..

This is my opinion but remember I have been at this for three years…If I had done everything right we would have been back “together” long ago….

[Butterfly1]

I don't have a lot of answers, but I have been DBing since last August and the bomb was a year ago.

1- I"m not a good one to ask re: OP. I have limited experience. WE both dated outside breifly last summer. I still had a lot of anxieties since I don't know when (or if for that matter) it ended. But I didn't deal well. I cried, called friends, panicked...but then I'd get busy. As long as I was busy, I could get through. If I sat still, I couldn't stand the obsession and pain. I didn't sleep well - so a lot of coffee and exercise too lol.

2 - I decided we were piecing when H started attending MC with me. Things have moved in positive directions since then (three months) but still no reconsiliation. But the fact that he goes to MC each week and deals with our issues - and he really is dealing with them - really trying to listen and change as am I - signified piecing to me. He hasn't fully committed to me or moved back home yet, but we are rebuilding trust and "seeing how it feels".

3 - I'm still confused on this one. I did so much pursuing early on that I'm completely scared to ask H for anything now. I let him pick. I don't know if I'm right or wrong. I just don't want to be hurt again. I don't call him, I don't ask for his help. He'll give it when he's ready. He comes when he's ready, he shows up when he's ready. At some point, I'll make bolder invites, but as recently as a couple months ago he declined my invite to a party, so I"m laying low.

He did give me a birthday card and present without asking.

[Concerned_Listener]

Cautious,

1. Insecurities regarding the OP.
This is difficult. It's impossible to not be affected by it. This is what tests one's commitment to stand or move on. In my case I decided to stand, though would have agreed to D if she wanted to end it. I coped by GAL for myself in preparation for the M to go either way. We were roommates for a period of time. I used this time to work on myself to improve myself--social connection, religion and spirituality in my case.

2. I have had more than one episode of Piecing. I think Piecing is beginning when some level of connection has been restored in the R.

3. You can pursue when you feel that you can have a positive connection with him. I began going to the dance venues my W goes to (driving separately). I watched Dancing with the Stars with her. There was little connection at first (still roommates).

CL

[dday101798]

Some people look at the "Another Divorce Busted" section for inspiration, I, however, look at piecing. It's where I hope to be within the next year (fingers crossed). So I had some questions to sort of mentally prepare myself before I get here.

I'm not overly familiar with your situation, do things appear to be headed in a positive direction post D?

1. How do you deal with insecurities re: OP?

Ahhh, question #1, and the hardest question of all. I would not say I'm fully cured on this matter, I won't deny it. However, the medication for this problem is open communication. If you detect something is not right, or you know there has been contact between the two, your spouses answer/reaction is what cures those insecurities.

Example is I have admitedly checked (x)W's cell phone on occasion and found messages from OM. Each time, (x)W has gavin me solid and repeated answers. If there were inconsistancies, then I'd be calling B/S and we'd be nowhere.

Also, when you can openly discuss with your spouse about the A, the more you learn they weren't REALLY happy at all with OP, in fact, quite the opposite.

That said, the hard part, at least from the standpoint of a man is shaking that mental image of them together. The things they did together, what OM did to YOUR W's body to please her, that is where I still have internal conflict.

2. At what point did you decide you were officially piecing.

When all the dirty laundry was aired, all marital issues were cleared without accusations. (x)W was apologetic, remorseful and for the first time REGRETFUL. Then we were able to look each other in the eye and feel that never ending connection. DONE.

3. Now this one's a little weird. My view on NC is to make HIM come to ME since I had always GONE to HIM. At what point is it acceptable (probably before piecing) for me to start pursuing him again (I mean, in a M it can't be all one sided forever, right?)? I guess what I'm saying is after a few successful dates, can I ask him out?

Im' not sure I follow you on this one. But if I read you right, he is the WAS? Then yes, he should come to you. However, dating, fine......"asking out"???? Are we in high school? lol