Are you still attracted to your Ex?

[jasper67]

all great stuff- shirtty sitches for us all, but progress and positives all the way around. The control/effort thing you mention has been a huge revelation for me.

I can see how everything I was doing was fuel for W to keep running...I don't mind though spending some energy busting the A's- didn't do me much good, but I felt like it was the right thing to do.

The beautiful thing is no longer having the desire or energy to pursue- I used to wake up a few hours before WAW and write pages and pages of letters...UGH- this went on for weeks.

I guess you have to get it out of your system at first...now I don't even bother, dont have anything left to say, and the further away I drift, the less appealing she is anyway.

[elscotto]

Wow am I glad you all responded to this thread. I was going through torture for a long time and it seems like everything just snapped and its like a light went on for me. I no longer give a crap what the Ex does--sure she can still hurt me but only if I allow it and don't recognze her behavior for what it is--something I can't control.

I am laughing again. I find humor in things and I am pretty sure I am a lot of fun to be around. My world is good--my businesses are doing fine and I also work a corporate sales job that is going really good now. I am exercising 4-5 times a week and I think i am going to do a triathalon on Father's Day this year.

If I could bottle up the cause of my attitude snapping toward the right direction I could sell it for millions. I wish I knew the trigger. Even the things I worried most about such as my ex telling my sons that she was "now going to date the OM" or her showing up in public with the OM doesn't seem to bother me. Its like--whatever.

I think she is drinking a lot these days because her skin looks kinda washed out with a reddish tint. I never noticed that 3 months ago. She doesn't appeal to me physically these days.

I love being in control of me like I haven't been for 6 mos. Life is Good!

[AtTheEnd?]

elscotto,

The drinking, OM, etc, are all part of the distraction. She's unhappy and uses these things to not have to face the reality that she is unhappy. She's lost and will ultimately find her way, whether it's all the way back to you is up to you. The amount of time it takes may take longer than you are willing to wait, and the damage done to you may too great, but if you are aware of the progression, it could help you hold out. In the end, it will be your choice as to whether you want a relationship with her or not.

[Ken62]

Great thread!

I still care a lot about my W but finding this forum and reading DR have really let me let go of W and detach. There is nothing I can do for her. She has to do everything on her own and not seeing her certainly helps. I wish she would do IC and I worry about her possibly having a nervous breakdown or a breakdown of any sort but if it happens I can not control it. It is what she chose. I really feel the "whatever" attitude taking over. I have a great PMA and am enjoying GAL for me. Sure I miss her and wish this had never happened but it has and I just have to move forward for me. I saw hr the other night and she didn't look as attractive as before. I'll see her tonight and maybe that will change but I don't know and really it doesn't matter.

My new name is Zen Thin Ken!

[MarkG]

elscotto,

The drinking, OM, etc, are all part of the distraction. She's unhappy and uses these things to not have to face the reality that she is unhappy. She's lost and will ultimately find her way, whether it's all the way back to you is up to you. The amount of time it takes may take longer than you are willing to wait, and the damage done to you may too great, but if you are aware of the progression, it could help you hold out. In the end, it will be your choice as to whether you want a relationship with her or not.

I like what you said about the OM being the distraction. It really fits my sitch. When my W left she drank a lot, met OM, then started their R. She dumped OM & I pursued, which is why we haven't started piecing yet. She was lonely but didn't want to be around me yet. I had even gotten to the point where she sent me a text saying "we're probably not going to get a divorce, but I need to work on my issues first." I got that back in Nov, and took that as "green light", she wanted my company less and less, and then went straight back to OM. Another thing she told me was that when she left me drinking dulled the pain but not when she left OM. I pointed out that when she left me she had OM and he dulled the pain, and she still hasn't let the pain from the breakup with me come out yet. Of course logic has no effect on a WAS, so here I sit with W and OM engaged before our D. Time will tell how the rest of this unfolds.

[K4D]

Time will tell how the rest of this unfolds.

Hold tight and focus on you and your life. Things can change. She almost came back once. It can happen again, but this time, don't pursue her. Let her come to you because you are an awesome guy. Let her do the pursuing.

Kevin

[elscotto]

Chances are probably pretty reasonable though that when she decides she made a mistake you will have already moved on--especially if you handle you correctly and move along with life.

Funny thing is I was talking to my mother a week ago and she "I know you well enough to know that if/when the time comes that your ex decides life didn't suck so bad being married to you that you have it within you to play with her and her emotions for a while before you kick her to the curb." I thought about it for a second and I said I think you are right but the irony of it all is by the time that opportunity comes my way I have a feeling that I won't care anymore. My friends are already starting to comment that they think I may not be too far away from that spot at this point and some say I am there.

I just want the nastiness, bitterness, and unpleasantness to move along so I don't have to harbor it. I hate being the vessel that carries that acid--and it will eat you alive if you are.

My 2 cents. Thanks all for the contributions.