No idea what's going on anymore - pls advise

[1nanuk1]

I'm about to turn 40 and my W is 39. I work from home and have an excellent job working for a software company, this has enabled me to care for our son who's now 10 after school, etc... My W is a VP at the same company and travels 50% of the time, obviously I then take care of the boy for an extended period of time. We've been married for 15 years. Now down to the issue...

She had been gone for a few weeks and I called her and told her I missed her, she said nothing. When I pushed a little she then told me she loves me but doesn't miss and doesn't want to be with me anymore. That she wants someone who wants to go out all the time, travel, etc... (We do go out and do things together, probably not as ofter as we should but we also have a son and can't drop everything and leave a 10 yr old at home alone). That she works so much and accepts so much travel so she can be away from the house. Other than a few arguements here and there (generally over the fact she's not around for our son) we've never had any big issues (no cheating, etc...). I always thought I was supportive but looking back there are obviously changes I could have made.

When she returned home from her trip she proceeded to tell me she wasn't happy anymore, didn't want to be with me anymore, that I had nothing to do with her success and a whole host of other gems. She said she wanted a divorce. Given this I went out and got a lawyer. Since then she hasn't made any attempt to get a lawyer, we worked out a parenting plan and preliminary plan to divest our assets equally but says she's too busy to deal with any of this right now.

We still share the same bed, cuddle, laugh together and obviously spend a lot of time crying on each others shoulder. On her most recent trip she called to tell me she missed me and that she loves me so I said maybe we should call off the D. She said no, she still didn't want to be with me anymore...then proceeded to rip me for getting a lawyer.

I'm I insane? I don't even begin to know how to react to this and how I'm supposed to behave. I miss her horribly, she's finally going to be home for two weeks in a row, but given that she refuses to talk about things I just have no idea what to do anymore. I figure I'll just give her some space but I don't see anything will be worked out without discussing things, meanwhile the clock on the D ticks away....

Any advice from anyone?

[Ready2Change]

First,

Sorry you find yourself in this sitch. You have found a great place for support.

Your W is following typical script (or pattern). Have you read DR? If not, get yourself a copy and read it ASAP. Consensus is to NOT share this site or the book with your spouse.

During this difficult time of your life, I would like to strongly recommend that you follow the advise given here. The sooner you follow advise that is counter-intuitive, the better the odds that your W will come out of her fog and work on the marriage. Be aware that she may not......

From your post, it looks like you are unaware of another man. I see many red flags that point to another man. You have a very important choice to make. You can move forward without snooping, or you can do what I have seen work for others. Puppy Dog Tails gives very good advise on how to determine the truth about the WAS real motives. Do a search on his name and read as many of his posts as you can. Gather as much information as you can WITHOUT confronting her.

You have a great opportunity for personal growth if you choose to take it. Going through this process has been the best thing that has happened to me.

I have not seen reason and logic work. Making changes to the way you think,respond, look, and behave have good chances of working.

I wish you well. Post to others and offer support, they will reciprocate.

[FindingMyVoice]

Hi 1Nanuk1,
I'm new here too, so just wanted to say welcome and glad to see you've reached out for some support.

With my limited experience the one thing I might offer is that your wife sounds very confused about her feelings. It must hurt you a lot to receive such mixed messages.

There's a lot of excellent advice here, and I hope it helps you. And keep sharing your feelings here. Ready2Change is right - this is a great place for support. Don't be afraid to talk to a marriage counselor by yourself, either. I know it's helped me a lot. Feel free to read my situation if you think it might help.

Wishing you all the best.

[Bworl]

I figure I'll just give her some space but I don't see anything will be worked out without discussing things.

The concepts behind divorcebusting are counter intuitive. What our gut tells us to do, what our heart wants us to do, is quite often a thing that only serves to deepen the divide between you and your spouse.


Your wife has given you some clues as to what she is missing. Think long and hard on those snippets and honestly evaluate the truthfulness of what she has had to say.


Were you more spontaneous before your son was born? Were you more open and ready to get out and do things together with her? Has there been a significant falling off in your alone activities together?



Look, we both know that the dynamics change when our children are born. Even your wife knows this. But her focus right now is on what she's missing, what she's lost.



I'm not of the group that automatically assumes an affair is going on. But can you see how her words and actions could make someone outside your relationship THINK that conditions were ripe for another man in her life?


What are you willing to do to try and make that NOT happen, or to stop it if it IS happening?


The key is that you have to become the better choice. You have to become the man that she is attracted to again.


One of the dangers I think to work at home dad/husbands is that a significant portion of our male attractiveness can be easily lost. We don't go out so maybe we get slack on our appearance. We start taking on more of the homemaker role, more of the child caregiver role. Not to be a sexist, but it's easy for a man working from home to move more in the direction of becoming woman-like in our activities.


Your wife is a coporate VP. Do you think she's attracted to woman-like men? When she fell in love with you, was it because you were good with kids or could do a mean load of laundry? Doubtful.


There are changes YOU can make. Likely changes you NEED to make. And these are changes to YOU, not her. Talking to her about your love, your devotion, your commitment, a divorce, etc...none of these things scrreams out "ATTRACTIVE!"


Your wife is close to stepping off into a questionable place, possibly because she has lost the MAN she fell in love with. Talking does not fix this. Actions are the only thing that carry any weight.


Answer the questions I have asked. Answer them to yourself. Be honest, even brutally so. And then begin to lay out your plan to reclaim the man you once were.


THAT is your starting point.


Leave the rest alone. ALL of it.


Blessings,

Bill

[1nanuk1]

Bill - I think you comments are pretty close to right on, I and will continue (and have) taken a hard look at myself. I highly doubt there is an affair involved - I would think she wouldn't want anything to do with me if that was the case but who really knows. I've done some light snooping with no results, I would think some little tidbit would turn up...she's not as computer savy as me so...

I just find it odd, looking back through past emails, etc... it seems like she just woke up one day and decided she wanted out. Obviously there were arguements but no defining event.

I agree that romance was definately been put aside once our son was born. However lately, in the past few months, we've been out, been doing things with friends, having sex, etc... I thought there was nothing wrong - when I mentioned these things I was told she was just going through the motions...

Anyway, I know I need to take a good hard look at myself and I'm equally responsible for where we are now. I know reading this that some would wonder why I would file - simply put she told me her success had nothing to do with the sacrifices I made to support her and our son while she was away. That her stock options and 401k were hers and hers only and that I had no right to them. She even plans to turn over our son and take 30% time, but I just need to ensure we don't get screwed out of what we deserve. Seems she just wants to be 20 again, she lives in a dream world when travelling, dinners out, etc... Obviously this crashes down when you get home and there are responsibilities to be taken care of...

Thanks for your support and your comments - I appreciate it.

[Bworl]

You might considering starting a post on the MLC forum. Seems like there is a reasonable possibility that this could be some type of mid-life adjustment on your wife's part.


Bill

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm not of the group that automatically assumes an affair is going on. But can you see how her words and actions could make someone outside your relationship THINK that conditions were ripe for another man in her life?

Nanuk,

You can put me in that group. All of the warning signs are there, and she's HIGHLY on-script. PLEASE BE CAREFUL, and do yourself a favor and do some independent verifying. The dynamics of what you will want to do if she is cheating will be slightly different than MLC or non-infidelity WAW.

Puppy

[MarkG]

.... Wow, I'll let the pros handle this one. MLC does sound fitting. I can identify with the contradicting statements, but nothing really hits me as hard as "love and miss you" combined with "don't want to be with you" in the same sentence. What Bworl said about DB being counter intuitive is definitely hitting the nail on the head. Your W doesn't need you financially, and IMO that's a GOOD thing. This tells you two things- refusing her requests for money/food/rent/etc. should be easier since she can afford it, and 2nd that if you guys do work out your M it's not going to be based on her financial security and looking for a bailout. Seems like you found this site early, as in before the actual physical separation, so hopefully it takes less time to turn around. Good luck.