Dude, I hate it when people phrase-check ILYBINILWY as proof-of-affair, too.
BUT I can't even count the number of times posters have sworn seven ways from Sunday that THEIR spouse was too honorable, too ethical, too asexual, etc, etc, to EVER engage in an affair only to find out weeks or months later .. oops. Yeah.
It's a data point. Not infallible, but not pulled out of nowhere, either.
And if a self-admitted serial adulterer showed up here complaining about their spouse's ILYBINILWY, I'm guessing the responses would be more along the lines of "Big surprise. You have a lot of work to do." than "S/he must be having an AFFAIR!!!!"
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
I think in many cases there is a catalyst behind the ILYBNILWY speech. The catalyst for me was simply being hurt in a different way. It acted as a tipping point, let me see the situation in a new fashion, and allowed me the opportunity to re-evaluate everything.
In some cases, another wo/man may be the catalyst. In yet more, the kids leaving home seems to be it. Neither of these tells the whole story though, and I'm starting to notice a disturbing trend which is rightly labeled abusive.
People who are hurting don't need to be told "your spouse is banging someone else" unless there is something substantive and verifiable to back this accusation up. I have yet to see anyone on this forum provide any evidence for this oft spouted claim. Your own argument approaches post hoc ergo propter hoc (the fact that it happens sometimes doesn't make it a uniform cause, in other words).
M:40 W:40 2 teenagers ILYBNILWY: 09 January 2010 soon to be walking away my situation
honesty is a requirement, sugar coating doesn't help anything, unless you want a shoulder to cry on, the sooner you embrace reality whatever that happens to be in your respective situation and deal with it honestly, the sooner you'll get on your feet and work on you and deal with your relationship on even ground.
People who are "hurting" are already hurt, not by me or any other user on these forums. The real abuse has happened back in their homes with the treatment they're receiving from their spouses, the lies, the deceit, the dishonesty, the affairs, etc.
You can't hold people on these forums to a higher standard than your own spouse.
The evidence you are looking for, won't ever be found in some medical psychiatric scientific community journal - who is going to participate in these studies and be brutally honest about what they've done as far as lying and cheating? If that's what you're looking for, you can end your search because you won't find statistics.
Come to these forums and other websites that discuss similar situations and do your own documentation if you're really interested in numbers, document how many stories you read about that contain "ILYBINILWY" and document how many times the LBS has found out that the WAS was either actively involved in an affair, had finished an affair, was considering starting an affair vs. no affairs or no extra-marital love interests whatsoever - I am confident that you will find that the numbers are heavily stacked in one direction so you can let go of the need to substantiate what we're saying with statistics, that's unrealistic.
People who are hurting need to be healed, need to be educated as to what they did to contribute to their situation and assume responsibility for their actions and at the same time let go of the need to assume responsibility for every problem in the marital relationship and just be realistic about the entire situation but none of this will happen until they are honest about the situation they are in.
Sounds like you are justifying why you are using the phrase out of anger which I don't know why. What you tell your W and your reasoning is up to you. You almost sound guilty using the phrase.
And let's face it, your W used it when she had her A. And honestly I don't think she loved you so it's a moot point. Don't mean to sound harsh, but if she did, she wouldn't have treated you the way she has and disrespected you so much.
My heart goes out to you. How about shifting that anger back onto your W where it belongs.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
So, I wrote one article, and got a dozen frantic replies, pages and pages long, from robx. Then Mr. Bond chimes in with:
Quote:
Sounds like you are justifying why you are using the phrase out of anger which I don't know why. What you tell your W and your reasoning is up to you. You almost sound guilty using the phrase.
And let's face it, your W used it when she had her A. And honestly I don't think she loved you so it's a moot point. Don't mean to sound harsh, but if she did, she wouldn't have treated you the way she has and disrespected you so much.
So, I made some points you can't argue against and you fall back on personalizing the argument. Whenever the small-minded are caught doing something scummy, they always point fingers in the other direction.
Quote:
My heart goes out to you. How about shifting that anger back onto your W where it belongs.
O LOLOLOLOL!
Why would I be angry with my wife? She's doing her thing and leaving me alone, and it's the best feeling in the world. I'll divorce her and be rid of her forever soon.
It's becoming more and more clear why your wives left you. You act like my wife and that's why I'm leaving her.
Back to the topic at hand: I find it pathetic that a few (two of the culprits are showcased here) need to spread their own misery around to the new and impressionable with this slummy trick. I've only been here for a few weeks and I've seen it at least a dozen times.
Newbie: "O my gawd! I just don't know what to do! My husband has given me the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' speech!
Robx: HA! He's having an AFFAIR! RIGHT NOW he's BANGING AWAY at someone who is much BETTER THAN YOU!
Mr. Bond: I agree with Robx (slurp slurp)
I wonder how many marriages you two bedbugs have ruined that might have been repaired?
M:40 W:40 2 teenagers ILYBNILWY: 09 January 2010 soon to be walking away my situation
IMHO, Spouses that say ILYBINILWY, are confused about their feelings. More often than not, it is because they have feelings for 2 people. However, in my dating days, I have said this without another waiting in the wings. It stems from a lack of understanding re: Love.
"I tell my wife I'm not in love with her any longer. That's true. The reality is that if she began improving her behavior, and taking her position as wife and mother seriously, I might move back into the love zone."
Dbing is about changing yourself. If you change yourself, your spouse will have to change.
Gently, I'd like to add, in reading your posts on this thread, I feel bullied by a hostile person.
Read the threads yourself. Almost every betrayed partner has heard ILYBINILWY, at some point. Even you.
Most spouses suspecting an affair are advised to get solid proof before confronting. ILYBNILWY is a red flag, as are the other signs of infidelity.
I suspect you are hurt, angry and frustrated by your wife's behavior?
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Robx: HA! He's having an AFFAIR! RIGHT NOW he's BANGING AWAY at someone who is much BETTER THAN YOU!
Mr. Bond: I agree with Robx (slurp slurp)
I wonder how many marriages you two bedbugs have ruined that might have been repaired?
Nice. Now other people are the cause of your failed marriage, interesting how this might actually happen, with us being possibly thousands of miles away and never coming into any contact with your wife or anyone else's spouse, but yeah.... we ruined the marriages.
You are obviously hurt, angry, lashing out at everyone and the world for your current situation - and oh how attractive that is to us and specifically your wife, I wonder how many times she rec'd this type of hostile attitude from you?
And you're right, you're perfectly fine and happy, with a name like "crushed" which would never insinuate that you're hurt or in pain.
Good bye crushed and good luck to you, I hope you get a handle on that anger of yours eventually.
I suspect you are hurt, angry and frustrated by your wife's behavior?
Actually, I like my own wife best when she's out of the house for long periods of time. I am angry and frustrated by the way she treats our kids; but other than that I've lost all feelings for her.
Note that I am 'not in love' with my wife, though I do love her in a very general sense, as a fellow human being. Yet, I'm not confused about anything. In fact, I've never felt so sure, peaceful and strong as I have in the last couple of weeks.
Does that mean I'm automatically attaching myself to someone else? Nope! It sure doesn't.
M:40 W:40 2 teenagers ILYBNILWY: 09 January 2010 soon to be walking away my situation
Just for the record, my wife used this script on me, and she was not having an affair. No going out alone, no emails, she's not on facebook, she does not text, and I had records to her phone. I have said before I wished at the time she was having an affair, because it would make more sense to me if she had been.
We are over 1 year past that awful night now and doing great. I think he is just saying to be careful with blanket assumptions.
