By the way...for those few folks here lucky enough to live in a state where those laws are still on the books (not mine...of course), if nothing else, I say get a L to pursue those avenues to help soothe your emotional wounds. In those states, you can sue your WAS and the OP. It wont bring your WAS back...but it might help you start a better life without them.
For your information I do live in one of those states where the laws are still on the books. Actually, it is the ONLY state in the US where the those laws are still in place and I can assure you what you are saying is such bullshit it's not even funny.
If you think initiating or creating a counter suit against your spouse (keep in mind you don't actually have a spouse) in the name of infidelity (a crime in my state), emotional abuse, theft and anything else allowable by law offers ANY bright spot you are insane.
You have NO F'ING idea the emotional toll it takes to maneuver through a legal system that does have these laws. Don't spout out such crap. If you think *that* will help you soothe emotional wounds then you need more help than any of us or a C can give you.
Being trapped in a court system for an average of 12-24 months and spending on the average of 10-15K per spouse is hardly soothing and hardly a way to start a better life.
You know, I think this sometimes but I will say it now... you are stupid. I don't care who thinks I am rude. Deal with it. All you care about is revenge and that is your sad issue to own. Until you have walked a mile in the shoes of the thousands of people in this state who have lived in HELL due to the laws that you wish your state had, then shut your mouth. And to have the balls to say it will soothe wounds. You are out there, my man.
My advice may NEVER be good. If anybody new is reading this avoid listening to this BS. The way you soothe yourself is by learning healthy tools to do so. The way you start over is by obtaining healthy tools to do so. Don't listen to this person. He is too consumed by revenge, control and rage to even make a lick of sense.
If this gets me banned, well, that is fine with me. Nobody should be allowed to post such asinine "advice".
Being trapped in a court system for an average of 12-24 months and spending on the average of 10-15K per spouse is hardly soothing and hardly a way to start a better life.
.....
He is too consumed by revenge, control and rage to even make a lick of sense.
That may be a fair assessment. And I dont think anything you said was worth being banned over...but thats just me.
And as far as spending money and being tied up in a court system for months and spending lots of $$$...for the person who's being sued it may indeed not be a picnic. But for the person who's seeking retribution for being wronged...no amount of money or length of time is likely to matter.
In my case, if I dont get to keep the same custody situation I have now, which is likely, I have the right to appeal...probably more than once. And I fully intend to do so.
And thanks to the co-parenting seminar, I also learned that if issues between co-parents (things one parent does wrong/improper with the child that the other parent takes issue with) are presented too many times before a judge, the judge will eventually forcibly order co-parenting counseling. I have no doubt that my ex will do the same bang up job she's been doing up til now...so I fully intend to present such issues to a judge as much as it takes.
I dont know how my ex thought all this would go down when she did all this...but if she thought I would just roll over and let her go off into the sunset with OM and D3...she has another thing coming. People need to learn that leaving a relationship and breaking up their family just because they're not happy doesnt get rewarded.
Unbelievable. The whole sitch through all the threads (is this the 3rd one?) is beyond words. Nsw can be a poster boy for justifying WAS logic if there ever was one.
It's not about saving the R or being good co-parents or whatever. Nsw, get help for your sanity.
To be blunt, from what I have seen of YOUR behaviour, the sitch looks like this:
Your EX, with all her flaws and being only too human, saw through the immature, vindictive, small minded person she was living her life with and had a child with. She found a better life with a better man who just happened to be older. Larger age differences have existed before in perfectly fine relationships. Age difference alone does not make one a predator. Now she just wants to get on with what seems to be a better life, but she is constantly harassed, harangued, and bothered by an ex who just doesn't get it, just would not listen, behaves like a spoilt brat, and could hurt her and her family in his thirst for revenge.
Your logic is that whatever she thinks, you were happy together, you must now get back together and be happy, that whatever happiness she finds elsewhere must be false, and it makes you unhappy on top of it, that any other man she would be with is a bad person / predator / criminal, and she must see your point of view because that is the only valid point of view. And if you can't get your own way, then there is no fairness in the world, and she must be made to suffer. And if you can't explicitly see her suffering, you must start the process yourself in whatever way you can. Until and unless you are satisfied that she, and whoever she loves either sees that they are wrong and you are right, or they are suffering so much they cannot be happy.
And you will justify all these as "consequences" or for your D.
Not a nice picture is it? Are you going to do something about it? Please, seriously, get HELP.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
If you think no amount of money or time will take a toll on you and your daughter then you really don't have a clue what you are talking about. Not a damn clue. Considering you don't have a job and have been on unemployment for 2 years I would say money should be a concern for you.
This is not about your daughter. This is about you getting back at your girlfriend for leaving you. Plain and simple.
If you think I pursued I did what I did legally to "get back at my H" you are nuts. I pursued what was available to me to recoup the tens of thousands of dollars he squandered in OUR assets DURING our marriage on his GF. Big f'ing difference.
All you want to do is point out what your ex does wrong but fail to see you are equally if not more guilty.
Until you have gone through the legal system don't even pretend to know what it's like. And don't suggest to anybody it is a way to soothe hurt feelings or start over.
Until you have gone through the legal system don't even pretend to know what it's like. And don't suggest to anybody it is a way to soothe hurt feelings or start over.
That is true...I havent been through it in the way you have...and with my state not allowing such suits I cant go through it ever.
However, as I said they are traditionally referred to as "heart balm" statutes. Your reasons for pursuing action apparently werent for soothing any emotional distress caused by your spouse/ex...but if they are referred to as such, it would stand to reason that a good portion of people (not all) who have pursued such actions over the years were doing so as retrubution.
That is true...I havent been through it in the way you have...and with my state not allowing such suits I cant go through it ever.
Exactly. Due to your location and state laws you will never have to go through it therefore you are painting an awfully romantic picture of how you *think* it will be. Did you feel good when you were served with papers totally unexpectedly informing you your EX was filing for full custody? You felt like garbage. Now multiple that by motion after motion for 1-2 years and tell me exactly how that can help soothe your heart? If you say it will then you have no heart.
However, as I said they are traditionally referred to as "heart balm" statutes. Your reasons for pursuing action apparently weren't for soothing any emotional distress caused by your spouse/ex...but if they are referred to as such, it would stand to reason that a good portion of people (not all) who have pursued such actions over the years were doing so as retrubution.
How exactly does retribution help soothe the heart? Justice and revenge are two very different things. Do you think a mother who had their child murdered feels better once the murderer is behind bars? They may feel justice has been served but do you think it somehow soothes their heart? No. What soothes one's heart is hard work, learning the tools to self soothe and a complete 180 on how you (generally speaking) look and deal with life. The real test is how one deals with life during the very worst of times. And I think we all can agree an unwanted divorce and custody battle certainly qualifies as one of the worst.
You are correct. Your ex may or may not EVER have any consequences. I struggled with the same thing and my exH for a very long time. And thus far he has had none aside from financial and that will only last a few years. And maybe he has consequences I don't know about now or ever will. You seem to think your ex was the one that broke up the family. And yes, her walking away did just that. HOWEVER there are very few people that wake up one day out of the blue and say "gee, I think I will leave my partner and child today because I can't think of anything else to do". Problems were brewing for a very, very long time and from what you describe the R the two of you had was very, very unhealthy. You have not taken any time to work on what you contributed to that unhealthy dynamic, instead you have focused on the end result of her leaving. And somehow you think some sort of punishment will bring it all back together OR give you a some sort of *something* to feel better.
I have news for you, the ONLY thing that can make you feel better is you. Certainly a counselor, family support and other mediums in life can encourage us but at the end of the day it has to be ALL YOU.
Initiating a counter suit against my husband and best friend of more than a decade was truly the hardest thing I have EVER had to do. Harder than making the decision to take my own father off life support. My hand was shaking so bad it took me nearly 20 minutes to sign the document, the walls were closing in around me and I could not breath or even see straight. I threw up in the parking lot of my attnys office. Don't think for a minute anybody who has made the choice to pursue further legal action does so lightly or to help their heart. It was by far one of the most traumatizing moments of my life that will be forever etched in my mind.
Look to yourself first. You have provided example after example of how you are unable to make yourself feel better. You said when your child was very young you were the one staying up all night caring for her while she cried but nobody was there for you. You are a man. You be there for you.
How exactly does retribution help soothe the heart? Justice and revenge are two very different things. Do you think a mother who had their child murdered feels better once the murderer is behind bars? They may feel justice has been served but do you think it somehow soothes their heart? No.
If the murderer is just put behind bars it wont likely do anything, but if the murderer is sentenced to death...or if the mother is the one to go after and execute the murderer, vigilante style, it could bring her some relief. It harkens back to the notion of "an eye for an eye". If you havent seen it, try watching the movie "A Time to Kill" sometime to give you a better idea of what I mean.
Originally Posted By: CityGirl
Look to yourself first. You have provided example after example of how you are unable to make yourself feel better. You said when your child was very young you were the one staying up all night caring for her while she cried but nobody was there for you. You are a man. You be there for you.
I dunno...to me that sounds a bit sexist...or a double standard at least. Because I'm a man I have to be strong...I'm not allowed to need support or be vunerable? Not all men spend their days drinking beer, watching football, and scratching themselves.
I'm a human being...with all the emotions, flaws, shortcomings, etc that any human being can have. To me all this being a strong man stuff is a bunch of baloney...my gender shouldnt define how I'm allowed to feel, react, or need...and it certainly shouldnt be held against me if I choose not to be the typical "dont show your feelings and dont talk about your emotions" male.
You are a MAN as in you are a GROWN UP. It has nothing to do with gender. Not one thing. It has to do with being able to function as an adult.
If you are a woman I would have said be a WOMAN as in be a GROWN UP.
Nobody told you not to express your feelings. You should however really *want* to find out why your feelings are so filled with hate and vengeance.
This is not the first time you said that all men do is scratch themselves and watch football. Nobody said they did. Most men don't stay on unemployment for 2 years and play the role of full time dad while their partner works for pay under the table. Right? Stop turning this into a gender or stereo type deal. All of any of us are trying to help you with is to see why your feelings are so hateful and why you are not doing anything to change that. Each post you sound more and more out there and as you can see everybody else seems to have given up or decided to sit back and watch the show.
I am very away what an "eye for an eye" means. I am also aware it does nothing to heal or help you grow. As I said, you pull these crazy and romanticized ideas out of the air and somehow they make it all okay.
You really should stop comparing you getting dumped to a murder victim. You can't compare the two at all.
Just to be clear. So your life plan is to continue to collect unemployment, while getting spousal support from someone you're not married to and whom you plan to turn in to the authorities for tax evasion while taking care of your 3-year old daughter.
Sounds good to me.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
If the murderer is just put behind bars it wont likely do anything, but if the murderer is sentenced to death...or if the mother is the one to go after and execute the murderer, vigilante style, it could bring her some relief. It harkens back to the notion of "an eye for an eye". If you havent seen it, try watching the movie "A Time to Kill" sometime to give you a better idea of what I mean.
This is the second or third time you've brought up comparing your relationship to the death of someone by murder. Have you ever had a friend who was killed by murder?
I have. And you know what. There is no type of retribution that will ever bring a true sense of peace to those who have lost their friend or family member. You are getting your information, from where, a John Grisham novel. Really? I mean, really? By that logic, Tom Cruise is a pretty good lawyer and lawyers in the South look like Matthew McConathy...that is, when he and Tom Cruise aren't hamming it up in Tropic Thunder. And that person you said that was satisfied with vigilante justice, Samuel Jackson...well, dude, I'm tired of these MF snakes on this MF thread.
When I read your post, it made my skin crawl in a way that I can't even explain. You clearly have NO idea what it's like to lose someone. Someone who LITERALLY can never come back to you because someone else has taken their life. Your ex left you; there's nothing stopping her from coming back, you know, because she's alive and well, and clearly in a better state of mind avoiding your madness.
Tell me what in the h-e-l-l do you think that retribution will satisfy? What wrong will it correct. None. Got it. None.
Listen to survivors who have been through true horrors, war, genocide, famine, disaster. In almost all of those cases, you will repeatedly hear about why forgiveness is the choice they make. Focusing on punishment corrodes your soul. Look at the research, look at stories of survivors from Auschwitzch to those bombed at Nagasaki.
Want something to do instead of look up archaic legal statues about emotional balm or whatever the f__k you call it. Google "Don't Kill in Our Names." It's stories of people who had family and friends murdered...the perpetrators were sent to the death penalty and it's their story about why they didn't want the state to kill that murdered.
You have NO RIGHT to speak for people that you know nothing about.
At first it seemed that it was a bad situation you were in, but now it seems that things make sense about why your ex ditched your mooching butt. You don't have a job, yet use your time to look up ancient laws that wouldn't help you at all. Instead of using that time to look for jobs, you might as well be learning how to become a wagon wheel maker.
Then you want to contact the OM's mom, an elderly lady who has nothing to do with you or your D, in the hopes that she'll take your wacko side?
And then comparing the loss of a relationship to a murder? Sad.
