Talia's New Home

[talia]

Ruined,
Lots of love for you and I totally understand how you feel!!! You are doing better than I - my 5 YR anniversary came 1 month after the bomb and I had to run to family out of state to make it through the weekend. Especially since I had already planned and paid for a surprise trip for us to our favorite resort. Thank goodness I got my deposit back! I flew to Louisville and spent the weekend with my cousin and her family. Her kids are my god-kids so it was really fun - and I barely made it through the weekend even with all those distractions! We did have a fabulous girls spa day on my actual anniversary - mani/pedi/massage/shopping... Have a good time tonight - time for new memories!!!

Blown away,
Thanks! I never ever thought I would get to this place... an equal mix of terrible sadness and hope for a better future for myself.

Its been a weird day...


T

[chatterbug]

T can you go read my advice and give me your opinion on the TTA thread.

[talia]

Journaling...

I had a "date" Sat night. I went amazingly well - we have a ton in common, hours of conversation that seem like minutes, easy conversation flow, super fun in general! He's totally my type - although he's a little shorter than I like

The problem.... It all made me realize how much I still totally love my H. UGH. Here I am on a perfectly good outing with a very nice man and I have no interest romantically at all.

I spent the entire day yesterday beating myself up for it. I understand why I feel that way - those love feelings don't just disappear. What frustrates me is that my anger for what he has done to me and for how he has treated me isn't stronger! I clearly have higher expectations for myself than I realized. Its been 6 months - shouldn't I be ready to move on now? Other than sexual attraction and and the frustration of not having those needs met, I am SOOOO not ready to move on, as I found out this weekend.

I am starting to feel like this will never get better and I'm entering the seventh level of hell...


I need to stop beating myself up for how I feel - my brain is telling me I need to be over it and my heart isn't going along for the ride...

[hhh]

Talia,
Do not beat yourself up at all for feeling this way!! It is COMPLETELY normal...and I think it's better to expect that there will be some natural comparison for quite awhile. It will diminish over time, but will still be there for awhile. That's OK. I think it might be weird if it wasn't.

For me my first real date was about 8 months after H left. Initially I was kind of giddy and so happy that I could have that feeling of 'spark' back with someone. But it was more of a fling/physical thing than any potential for future relationship. 2nd/3rd dates with same person I started to like the guy a bit more...but then realized he was a bit of a player/a*hole and that's when - as soon as I returned home the next day - I had a meltdown. I missed tenderness and deeper closeness of H (beyond the empty hook-up) and it really came crashing down. The partnership and good qualities from the past I missed. But along with that an acceptance I kept/keep working on of, THAT MAN (my H) no longer exists in the way he was before. There is no way on but forward, and part of that process is dating a few frogs, or even a few great guys who you will still compare H too.

Honestly, in the broader scheme of things given the time you've been with H and the fact that this was a M (not a simple relationship breakup) 6 months is still quite early. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. And know that's it's all part of the normal transition.

A great GF said to me weekend after fling-boy fizzled and I was bummed was: think of this in stages. First stage is go out on a date/hook up with a guy. Check-you've accomplished that. Second stage is going on a date with a guy you really like, and then date 2 and 3...and see where it goes. It's a process and you're not likely to be with/see any future potential right away, with the 1st (or even 2nd or 3rd) guy you go out with post-H.

If it feels funny/weird/sends you reeling for a bit..it's ok to take a break for a bit then. After my first fling (or whatever you want to call it), I went back to doing my processing/healing for couple more months and then have just rececently started getting back out there again.. Out with friends, flirting have fun, not with the expectation to meet a guy but open to it if it does happen.

Remember (and I like to this of it this way) it is a PARALLEL PROCESS: the letting go and moving on that is. You may 'move on' to date, but you are still 'letting go' and they happen together so be gentle with yourself if one seems farther along that the other...or you back track for a bit. Sometimes it's 2 or 3 steps forward, and then 1 or 2 back. That's OK.

I think you did great by being open to it, but also know that it is early for you still, I think. Do what feels right. Don't beat yourself up (you know I do that at times too!)

Awesome you had great convo though and let's you know that YES - you can connect with another guy! And there will be many others you will be able to connect with in a deeper way if it's not H. You're getting your energy in the right place.

We're proud of you!
Hugs, hhh

[pearlharbr]

(((talia)))

hhh is right. It will take however long it takes. Good for you for getting out there, but if you're not ready for more then you're not ready. And remember, just because a guy is great doesn't mean he's the right one for you. It was true before you got married and it's still true now.

I think it would be great for you to continue dating with the intention of having fun ONLY, no thoughts whatsoever about relationships. Right now the focus should be on having fun, meeting new people, and GAL. In fact I might even go so far as to declare a moratorium on new R's for a year just to take the pressure off yourself.

[talia]

Thanks HHH and Pearl! I just need the support today!

I'm SOOO not looking at any kind of relationship for a long time. I'm just putting myself out there and seeing what happens. I guess I was just surprised at how STRONG those feelings were, I wasn't expecting them at all. At times I feel such hate for H that I'm totally shocked when the other ones find their way to the surface

This guy is great and we do have a great time so for now its not a bad thing. Its just nice to spend time with someone who doesn't know about all the BS going on - he knows I'm divorcing but not much else - and just wants to talk to me about the things I enjoy in my life - the things we have in common - not all the crap too!

Like I have said numerous times on here. At least I can label my feelings and understand how to deal with them. Its still funny that I'm surprised by them sometimes - I thought I would never be surprised again after the gauntlet I've been through!!
It is nice to feel and be able to accept the feelings for what they are - surprise or not. Its very liberating in that sense!!

Thanks for all the support!!

T

[pearlharbr]

Its just nice to spend time with someone who doesn't know about all the BS going on - he knows I'm divorcing but not much else - and just wants to talk to me about the things I enjoy in my life - the things we have in common - not all the crap too!

Oh, I so understand this! That's why I loved my guys at the sports bar. Some of them did get the brief rundown of the sitch, but other than that we just talked football and chatted.

[Ken62]

Talia, hhh and Pearl,

Thanks for the things to think about. After M of 24 years I am scared to death to get back out there and hearing your perspectives really helps me. There is a woman at work who just recently came on board and I would love to just have someone to do things with as friends. Like you said Talia, someone who dosn't know all the BS and background. Someone new with a fresh perspective that i can get to know slowly at my pace. The problem is, how do I even ask her to do things as friends? Wouldn't she perceive this as odd/strange? I would be as honest as I could and tell her that th divorce isn't final and that I'm not ready to date or start an R but that I would like to get to know her better as a friend and to do things with.

Does this sound OK to you?

Thanks,

Ken

[chatterbug]

Its easy Ken. You ask her if she would like to do something fun. Like go to art gallery , museum ... skating ... movie... Coffee ... walk in the park ... Ball game ...

And you go there with one expatiation. I am going to enjoy good company and good conversation. Then you be the gentleman that you can be and enjoy sharing time and experience with her. Look her in the eyes and listen and talk and engage in conversation. When its silent just smile and enjoy the surroundings.

A date that is not a date.

[Ken62]

Thanks chatterbug!

Forgot to apologize for hijacking Talia's thread!