New here, sorry for long post, highlights of sitch are: • 1987 - became friends • 1988 - moved in together • 1990 - married • 1996 – My father diagnosed with cancer • 1998 – My father dies • 1998 - had baby boy - some health issues as an infant which were challenging • 2000 - had second baby boy • 2006 – W father seriously ill but recovers • 2007 – W mother diagnosed with cancer • 2008 – W mother dies • 2009 – my mother dies suddenly after short illness • 2009 – I become depressed & insular but don’t realise what is happening • Oct 17, 2009 – Discover text messages on W cell & confront. • Oct 20, 2009 – EA Confirmed. Says she has not been happy for years & I do not love her. OM gives her attention etc • OM is married & feels unloved • Oct 29, 2009 – ILYBNILWY speech, says she is “in love” with OM we will split after Xmas. Wants house, kids etc. Reveals intention is to gradually introduce OM after she has been alone for 3-6 months & be together after 9-12 months • Nov, 2009 – I go to doctor, start IC • Nov, 2009 – Go to MC, W says “marriage is over”, don’t go back as a couple but she goes for IC for self esteem issues • Nov, 2009 – W reveals to both me & IC that she was sexually abused as a child / teenager • Dec, 2009 – communication improves, W acknowledges that she now realises that I still love her but EA still ongoing. Will not give him up. • Dec 28, 2009 – • Jan 2010 – W announces that she has rented a property for 6 months & is moving out in Feb • Jan 2010 – Relationship still improves, better communication, physical contact, intimacy, cuddles etc. seems conflicted but determined to leave. • Feb, 2010 – W only asks for a limited sum of money to set up the rental. Split bank accounts etc & agree money for funding kids activities. She is asking for much less than she could be. Start trying to “detach with love”. State that I am wiling to try with M but cannot share her with OM. Will help to try to help her sort herself out for the sake of the children even if we are no longer together. Getting closer & closer during last few weeks. Hugs, talking etc etc • Feb 22, 2010 - W moved out and rented 3 BR house less than 1 mile away. I stay in family home
Currently:
I have lost 35 lbs in weight, going to gym, feeling more motivated & less depressed (sometimes). Wife has recognised changes, realises that I still love her dearly & am committed to marriage but is still stubbornly pursuing her own path – Now says “she just needs to sort her head out” for 3-6months. Will not work on M & will not stay for the “sake of kids”. Believes they are “resilient” which is bizarre as she is a primary school teacher & has seen effects of D at work
Not doing well concentration at work etc and obsessing about my sitch. I have made GAL baby steps and have plans to make more. Just starting to recognize the importance of detachment but its not easy.
W has stated that she does not want D & does not want lawyers involved. No concrete plans in place for separating assets but I know she has had advice from friends. Told W we cannot sell house until Sept due to conditions of special mortgage.
EA continues but could soon become PA (if not already). I believe she is in MLC & I am on an emotional roller coaster. Focus is now on boys who deserve to be brought up in a loving family.
Have ordered DR book. Been reading this site for about 4-5- weeks. W and I have agreed co-parenting peacefully on a 50:50 basis, W is going out of her way to spend time with the kids and make it easy for them in new house for 1st few days. I have them for 1st time tonight.
Currently trying to do a 180 by NC & sticking to a code of behaviour around W (pleasant but only contact is about parenting). I phoned kids on their cell phones on Sun. W phoned me last night about arrangements & to speak to boys. Then called again later for advice on hanging a blind. All very confused, conflicted & difficult to read but now trying to detach & keep cantered, but it’s difficult! All advice welcome
Thanks for responding. Yes I am getting counselling but its slow progress as up until a few weeks ago I just felt in "limbo". I have picked up a lot from the BB & now understand that this is not my fault, nothing I can do alone, need to be patient, show I still care but from a distance & hope she eventually sees a light. I have resolved to be a better father to the boys as I cannot agree with the immmoral stance W has taken & want them to understand what is right & wrong in life. I made vows for life - may not be able to keep them but it will not be my fault. I also vow that I will be able to look boys in the eye when they are older & say I did all I could
I'm sorry you here with us but it's a good place to be. I got together with my H in 1987 and married in 1990 so we're on the same timeline.
It seems obvious your W is definately over her head into an EA and pretty sure it's become physical - if they are denying well - it only makes sense that they are willing to break up their family so you know it's gotten pretty deep. I know mine denies the physical but I do not believe.
Keep reading here there is alot of great info and things to be learned from others' situations. Stay focused on YOU and the kids. Do not try and "talk" to her about your relationship. Try not to call her for anything unless you absolutely have to.
Stay strong and keep us posted.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
I have resolved to be a better father to the boys as I cannot agree with the immmoral stance W has taken & want them to understand what is right & wrong in life. I made vows for life - may not be able to keep them but it will not be my fault. I also vow that I will be able to look boys in the eye when they are older & say I did all I could
this is my thing too. you won't have to say it, though; they'll remember. kids know more than we think they do (which ain't always a good thing).
i try very hard to keep my kids grounded. when mom screams or loses her temper (fairly common these days) i tell my 13 year old son stories about how much she loved him when he was little, etc. it helps some to realize that adults have problems too, sometimes they just blow it and say things without meaning them.
soon he'll phase into his own network of friends, and he'll be with me at least half time, but until then it's rough on him, as i'm sure it must be on your kids.
peace!
Last edited by crushed_v95; 02/24/1006:04 PM.
M:40 W:40 2 teenagers ILYBNILWY: 09 January 2010 soon to be walking away my situation
• Jan 2010 – Relationship still improves, better communication, physical contact, intimacy, cuddles etc. seems conflicted but determined to leave. • Feb, 2010 – W only asks for a limited sum of money to set up the rental. Split bank accounts etc & agree money for funding kids activities. She is asking for much less than she could be. Start trying to “detach with love”. State that I am wiling to try with M but cannot share her with OM. Will help to try to help her sort herself out for the sake of the children even if we are no longer together. Getting closer & closer during last few weeks. Hugs, talking etc etc • Feb 22, 2010 - W moved out and rented 3 BR house less than 1 mile away. I stay in family home
Ok.
1st. Stop all physical contact. Get yourself tested for STD's. Do not cuddle. 2nd. what boundaries have you put in place on this relationship with the OM. Who have you exposed the affair to? What are you doing to bust the affair? 3rd. She left to continue the affair. It is physical.
4th.
Stop being all lovey dovey. Your wife is sleeping with another man. Be civil and deploy tough love.
No money. No help. She is on her own. Since you say you have read up on all this. Please list out your plan on how to bust this affair
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
1)physical contact not likley now she has left 2)No relationship possible if OM is still in picture 3) No money other some funds for kids activities (football, tennis etc) 4)Met with OM but he will not give up as long as W continues to engage 5) Have difficulty with tactics for "Busting". once word gets out in a small community worried that kids will be alienated & I will be pointed to as the cause by W. They are more important than W
5) affairs thrive in the dark. Sometimes you need to show some light. Its all on how you word it. And who you tell. Goal is to kill the affair. Cause the marriage is over if you do not. You need to read up on this aspect now. You can offer up many excuses on why you do not want to expose. But they are that excuses. As you are covering her tracks.
1) Change that not likely to NO. Do not even touch her hand , shoulder or come within 1 cm of her.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
