My WAW just sent me a listing for a job out of state! I'm SO angry and want to respond, but thought I'd ask advice first.
I think it's SO insensitive. I'm hurting, she only left two weeks ago, and it's like she can't wait for me to be out of her life!
She is so resolute.
How can I respond appropriately? I WANT to say, "haven't you pushed me away enough already?"
I brought up moving out of town during last separation (two years ago) and again this time (initially when she first left before reading DB). I AM seriously considering it but it hurts to get these from her. I want to get back to NYC and away from this pain.
My friends all say I deserve better, but I love this woman with BPD
TIA!
Last edited by SweetCyborg; 02/22/1005:49 PM.
Eternal optimist
LBS (me):48 WAW:44 Married:11 T: 16 Separated: 02/10/10 Separated: one year first time, two years ago Sitch: http://bit.ly/baqySm
Yes you're angry. But... you don't have to respond at all.
You want to respond, you can respond here, it actually does help to get it out but if you respond by calling or by texting or by emailing or by writing out a letter with pen & paper and sending that to your wife, that will accomplish nothing. If anything it will solidify her opinion of you in her mind.
I won't lie to you.
When people you love do things to hurt you, it does hurt. I don't care what anyone says, it hurts. And you have feelings, everyone does, and we all want to be acknowledged and valued and we want to be taken care of and thought of especially when we're hurt.
But in these times, especially with what you're going through, that one person (your wife), isn't going to be that person.
You're a man.
You do deserve better.
But you can't sit on your a$$ and expect it to be delivered like Dominoes pizza.
Life don't work like that.
Here's that quote from the last rocky movie and although I'll be one of the first to admit that it isn't a literary masterpiece, these words are so freakin' true, you can't help with resonate with them and be lifted up after reading them several times.
I suggest you read this, print it out, tape it on a wall somewhere, frame it, whatever. This is you. You're the one that's been knocked down, you're the one that's being forced down and not being let back up and you're the one who's going to have to make that choice to get up, get stronger, better and go after what you want but in doing so remember that you're going to get hit again, whether or not you get back up is up to you.
"...what is it he said to the kid? The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows, it's a very rough mean place, and no matter how tough you think you are, it will always bring you to your knees and keep you there, permanently, if you let it. You, me or nobody ain't never gonna hit as hard as life, but it ain't about how hard you hit, it about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward, if you know what you're worth, go out and get what you're worth but you gotta be willin' to take the hit!"
If you need to respond to her job listing and quite frankly I don't think you need to, tit for tat is so childish, you know you're value, you don't need to get sucked into every fight, you don't need to reduce yourself to her level. If you're better, then act like it, plain and simple.
Here's your response, "thanks for the job listing but I think in the end it should be my choice what job I end up taking but feel free to continue giving me this info on other job opportunities, I don't mind the help one bit!" ;-)
You got her message, you smiled at her attempt to kick you out or whatever it was and then you told her that you're in charge of your life (not her's, your's) and you're going to be fine no matter what happens.
You don't need to be mean, spiteful, vindictive,etc.
If she has BPD and she's doing all of this, great, that's her excuse and let her deal with that problem which btw isn't going away, it's something she's going to have deal with, either now or sometime later in her life, she will need to take care of this HERSELF - you can't do this for her.
So again, she has BPD and that's her excuse and we'll let her use that as a crutch for all that crazy $hit that she pulls.
But you're a MAN, you don't rely on any crutches, you lead your life and it's direction and you don't have to return fire with fire.
When she pulls these stunts just shake your head and realize that it's her attempt to hurt you or control you but it's coming from a place that she doesn't have much control over. You on the other hand have control of your life - don't make any excuses for your behavior, you just act the RIGHT way because when you look back at all of this, regardless if this works out or not, you acted with integrity and honor with respect for your well being and hers and you will have no shame in your life if you can say that, trust me.
Here's your response, "thanks for the job listing but I think in the end it should be my choice what job I end up taking but feel free to continue giving me this info on other job opportunities, I don't mind the help one bit!" ;-)
^^could not have a better response than this....if you truely need to respond at all.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
"thanks for the job listing but I think in the end it should be my choice what job I end up taking but feel free to continue giving me this info on other job opportunities, I don't mind the help one bit!" ;-)
Better response: "Thanks for this. I'll add it to my list of opportunities. Send me more whenever you find them."
Talking about your choice and blah blah blah is still too weak. You're a man, you have a plan, you act, you do... you DON'T supplicate, whine or beg. Remove the "sweet" from your name and become the Cyborg with a mission.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
Thanks guys! Wow! 'Sacking up' here. Your responses and suggestions were exactly what I needed. I was so close to responding as per usual...
RobX that Rocky quote is as good as tattooed on my brain, thanks for that... so true. Hadn't seen the 'film'
I think I'll decided NOT to respond at all which is a complete 180 of what I would ordinarily do! I'm very communicative, and always take every opportunity (even when she's not threatening D) to write, respond, etc.
I think she's anxious to get back into the house and have me 'disappear' so she doesn't have to deal with me, the sitch, or the pain.
Thanks again ALL!!!!!!!! I am SO grateful to you, and hope to give back when I gain more strength.
Eternal optimist
LBS (me):48 WAW:44 Married:11 T: 16 Separated: 02/10/10 Separated: one year first time, two years ago Sitch: http://bit.ly/baqySm
I think I'll decided NOT to respond at all which is a complete 180 of what I would ordinarily do! .....
I think she's anxious to get back into the house and have me 'disappear' so she doesn't have to deal with me, the sitch, or the pain.
Thanks again ALL!!!!!!!! I am SO grateful to you, and hope to give back when I gain more strength.
If she's anxious to get back into the house, don't stop her, tell her "come on in, the water is warm!" ;-)
Look she can do what she wants to do, don't control her, you control YOU - that's all you can do and when you show her and more importantly yourself that you are in charge of YOU, that's pretty damn attractive.
You stay when & where you want to stay, you leave when & where you want to leave.
"thanks for the job listing but I think in the end it should be my choice what job I end up taking but feel free to continue giving me this info on other job opportunities, I don't mind the help one bit!" ;-)
Better response: "Thanks for this. I'll add it to my list of opportunities. Send me more whenever you find them."
Talking about your choice and blah blah blah is still too weak. You're a man, you have a plan, you act, you do... you DON'T supplicate, whine or beg. Remove the "sweet" from your name and become the Cyborg with a mission.
Max, just cause you're smarter than me, doesn't mean you're better than me!
LOL!
Yes, your reply is better, as usual..... cheese & rice!
Because you always respond, not responding when she is obviously doing this to get at you, will have more effect on her than any words you say or type. Let it ride, don't let her draw you in.
