here goes...H left in june 2001. told me via text message. did not hear from him unless it was financial or kid related for months. then lawyer calls to tell me h filed. never once did I get an explanation. life went on. I bought a house for myself and sons and was going forward. Feb 2002 H leaves me a note while picking up his remaining things before I move stating the reason he left is because he has been unfaithful 3 x's during our 24 year marriage. (one with my best friend at the time and 2 with co-workers)we talk, he cannot explain but is sorry. see each other over the weekend during baseball game for son and then he comes to me to say the latest affair has lasted since he moved out and he has actually been living with her and her son for months. he states he wants our marriage to work out and moves out of her home and into mine. during next 2-3 months he waffles back and forth saying he can't let her go. Finally does so, quits his job and returns to school. he seems to be happy but I am not. I have tried so hard to be supportive of his return to school and patient with his getting over "OW". He however continues to withhold intimacy and affection saying it may take years to get those feelings back for me. He blames his cheating on my weight. I am overweight and have always been so, but now more so than ever (50 lbs). I go to the gym and I try but this situation with my H leaves such a hole inside of me that I find I try and fill it with food. I dont think I can take much more of this. This is ruining the holidays and our sons who have just gotton used to H being home know something is up. Why did he come back if he didnt want to be with me? Please let me know what you think and if you have any suggestions as to how to handle this before I just end it for good this time. My heart cant take much more.
Rejection is hard to take -- been there (I'm the one with the H who started a porn website and chased young chicks around all year).
But you can bounce back -- you can get on top of this -- you don't need to be at the effect of your fears.
Some things are in your favor, so count them:
1. Your H came home, came clean with you 2. He is experiencing remorse (shows he has a heart) 3. He's given you clues as to what he was looking for
Can you put a positive spin on this and work with it?
First, no matter what your H says, you are not to condemn yourself for being overweight. Find some literature that helps you appraise your big self as wonderful NO MATTER WHAT -- and embrace your size. More can be more FUN! You can work on getting fit, on getting slim, but till that happens, enjoy yourself anyway!
I found that sexy lingerie and outfits (think of these as costumes) put me in the picture. When I dressed up, though I'm not a youngster anymore, and not anywhere near model-beautiful, I could still turn heads and get some (much-needed) ego-boosting attention.
Give him time. Lay off the pressure. Soften. Act as if you don't need him AT ALL. This will take play-acting sometimes, but will get easier.
Fill your life with new activities. Even if you just try them once. You need distractions from the uncertainty and fear that things might not work out. Distract yourself.
Count even the smallest signs, and pour on the encouragement -- to yourself and your H. Small, seemingly insignificant positive behaviors matter VERY MUCH. They tell you things are working.
When in doubt, give the situation the benefit of the doubt. More good will come of this than you know. Think how good it feels when someone gives YOU this gift. It's really meaningful (is an ACT of love) when you let someone off the hook for dumb, thoughtless, rude, idiotic, careless or downright ornery behaviors. It's the way (said Gandhi) we can help heal the world's injustices (if you want a big motivation).
It also provides an example for your miscreant H of a better way to behave. Let him learn it. Trust that he will.
See what happens.
(In my case, it took a year, oh my god so much pain, but I DB-ed my heart out -- and love is springing up between us again. Like baby grass. Can't play rough on the baby grass, but looks like a lawn to me!)
Wishing you peace for today. Keep writing! You have my support,
What a GREAT inspiring post Bridget. Over a year of DBing for me and I got something out of it. Not the first post of yours I've found a message for myself in. Congrats on your green lawn. Mine shows signs of sprouts sometimes now...I just have to stop doing the things that don't work. Funny, that's a lot harder to do than to say. We're IN LOVE with some of these bad behaviours. Once you learn to conquer them then you DO INDEED realize the value of leading by your good example. Hopefully you'll get plenty of more grass a growin'. I'd sure like a green lawn again.
Praying every day for strength and Wisdom. Praying for my Wife to heal her hurt and pain.
Debra, it sounds like he had at least an 18 month relationship with the ow. There's an Affair recovery formula for this. You have to allow one month for every month of the Affair. It will take much patience on your part. Any time he had contact with her it took the recovery period back to square 1 so you should begin your formula w the last contact rather than when he moved back home.
Your marriage recovery time frame is 1 month for every year of marriage. I never figured if then ran congruent w the Affair Recovery period or if it began afterwards.
He has to rebuild limbic connections w you that were damaged when he got involved w the ow. One way that I am working on this is to have him buy THE perfume that he would like me to use.
These guys are very visual (us folks from Venus are very emotional) and that's just the way it is.
I had gone hypo-thyroid so I bombed in the 3 most common reasons that a guy is unhappy w his wife. My weight ballooned; I stopped caring about my appearance; and my intelligence was diminished.
So. While your hubby is doing his Affair Recovery time, you do like Bridget suggested and snazz up your wardrobe and consciously battle your weight (for YOU not him) and grow in some way, either intellectually (class) or spriritually.
He can't help but notice and you can't help but benefit from taking back your life.
An area that scares me is to start doing something just for me. It is necessary though and I'm psyching myself up to join the choir.
thanks you all for your thoughts and encouragement. i just dont know if i have it in me to keep fighting this battle when he seems like he could not care less. there were alot of baby steps in the beginning, but they have all but stopped. I will however take your advice and stop giving all my energy to this. after all of this i do know i do not need him any my life will go on if he leaves again. i have no control over his actions. it is my birthday on sunday and my 25th wedding anniversary on the 17th. he has made no plans and i dont think i will either. peace and contentment within myself are going to be my new game plan. he can stay or go at this point. i will deal with what i have too. thanks again.
had a good weekend. sons and H took me to dinner at a very nice place on sat night and H took me to the local ballet and dinner yesterday. Just got flowers for my 25th anniversary!!!! he did not send roses (OW name is Rose and they were her favorite) sent gerber daisies in our wedding colors with a bit of christmas greenery. My office smells like christmas. card did not say ILY but did say happy 25th and I do care. I am trying to just appreciate it for what it is and no want more. all the thought he put into the flowers mean so much to me. i am still so overwhelmed I havent even called to thank him. thanks for your wishes bridget how are you doing?
Hi, Debra was just reading your post, I too have been m for 24 yrs(25 next Sept) What is it with these middle age men??? My sitch is not quite the same, I thought, assumed, acussed h of something with ff. I was wrong on pa, but this ff has major problems(herm, drinking etc..)and guess who she latched on to, and guess who was flattered to help.Anyways, h just moved out a month ago, needs space to sort things out, he assured me that was the only reason, again nothing with ff.(she found a new man, and guess who she does not have much time to be a friend to??!!)I think it is a BIG step for your h to send flowers..from what I have read on this board the past 6 months, it is going to take a long time and alot of healing for you to have the kind of m you and your h deserve.I have no "advice", but I have found that working on me has been the biggest help there could be. I did lose some weight for me, and that is a big moral booster, and I feelso much better, phsically and mentally.So if that is what you feel you want to work on, then start out slow...Keep finding the joys in your life, hobbies. You mentioned kids, how old??Mine are 20 and almost 23, but still at home and in college. They are the main reason not to let yourself fall apart,I made a decision that I was going to be ok with or without my h. I talk to myself over and over and don't want to slip into some pathetic "feel sorry for me" person. Am I sad at time, of course, angry, mad about the whole mess, YES..but I am going to survive, and I still have two great kids that have their whole lives ahead of them. SO, the choices are ours to grab. I wish you continued strength, and lets keep in touch.. Sue
