Game Point

[tryingtilDorR]

I am starting a new thread since my situation is transitioning. The title Game Point reflects where we are - at a decision point. I feel like we will start moving towards D or WAW will miraculously wake up and decide to change course (highly unlikely).

In a short time I will be moving over to Surviving the Big D or Peicing depending upon which way the situation breaks.

Why is it different now after all this time of limbo? Because I feel like I am ready to file for D and get that clock started. The pain of being with the WAW with her coldness and relationship with OM becomes worse than moving on.

Us LBSs live in fear of losing WAW, breaking up our family, turning our financial situation on its head, all for good reason. We finally reach a point where we say it is time to move on. Enough deception. Enough humiliation from WAW's relationship with OM. Enough of going through life with someone who treats you worse than a roommate or someone she would meet on the street.

I have changed for the better. Our M wasn't that bad but it could have been better and I have told her on numerous occasiosn that I take responsibility for my half of the problelms and want to try again. WAW knows I have changed. WAW knows I am ready to start over on a new M but she hasn't shown ANY interest in this in over a year. It is time to move on.

Specific actions recently are that I told her it is time to dump OM and start working on M or we need to D. She says she was headed towards the latter and we have our 2nd mediation appt Monday, where CS figures will be discussed. At that point it is decision time. If she won't make a decision, then I will have to.

If we split she will be a miserable basket case. Not because she wants to stay married to me but because she doesn't want to be apart from our children. It will not be a good thing for her even though she thinks ending her marriage is the only way for her to be happy. It is ironic that the implications of this decision will actually make her more miserable than she already is. I fear that she will start down a path of self-destructive behavior as a result.

My kids will be sad also. We will likely have to sell the family home, although I will try to find a way to keep it. However, whenever I feel sorry for myself or my kids I realize that 1000s of people go through this every year and my family is just one more in that sad statistic.

[HallesComment]

I am sorry about your sitch.

Though I have not been in my sitch for longer than a month, I feel so much stronger having made a decision. I am going to live my life without H. He can file for legal sep, he can file for D, none of it will surprise me after all he has put me and our children through. All he wants is for us to be friends. I don't have friends who treat me this way. WAS's are confused and delusional, but where are they for us? Where are they for our children?
My D12 and S3 continue to struggle and he just says, well they will get use to it. Whatever makes him sleep at night. At least I can look my children in the eyes and say I tried and that it is not okay for anyone to treat you this way. They will learn strength from me. What will they learn from their daddy?
Sorry, I don't know if this will help you. I never wanted to be a statistic, but I will never be my H's trash again. Yes, I feel strong for taking control of my life. You will too!

Good luck!

[tryingtilDorR]

There was some activity on my old thread after I started this one, but the current state is that we are moving forward with S/D. She is going to leave and we are just trying to figure out if she will rent a place and I pay her support ASAP, or we start by alternately moving out to parents' houses. She wants an answer tommorrow. I could use a delay in starting the payments for a few months for sure, even though I said I would NEVER move out.

I have now started a thread on Surviving the Big D.

[tryingtilDorR]

One interesting observation from the past 3 days. We had a pretty nice day on Saturday going to D16's game that night, getting something to eat after, and everyone seemed to enjoy each other's company. We even talked about all going to church together on Sunday.

I woke up Sunday morning. W came into the room and I told her 'good morning'. She then said "How can you act like nothing is wrong?" Then an argument/R discussion ensued. If I wasn't have asleep in my bed I would have walked out but I was lazy and just laid there while she went on her rant.

It is weird, but it almost seems like when things seem like they are OK she wants to sabotage it. God forbid that we can actually be happy and enjoy each others' company? I may be mind-reading here but it also happened the previous weekend. We had a nice day with kids on Saturday and she picked a fight on Sunday.

During yesterday's argument, she took down our two wedding pictures that are hanging in our room. She said something like "Time to take THESE down!". For whatever reason, when I got home from work today, she had put them back up.

[tryingtilDorR]

Well, I thought we were barrelling towards D, but I feel like there is a pause. A week ago she asked me whether or not she should find her own place or if I was willing to alternately move out. I told her, since she isn't interested in dumping the OM she should get her own place and she said OK. I was on my way out the door to the airport for a trip for work.

I had told her earlier I am willing to do the alternate out of the house thing, or whatever she wants, if she was willing to end all contact with OM to see if our M had any chance at all, but she refused.

However, since that day it seems like the tension level is way down after a stressful 4-6 weeks where we started going to mediation appointments, I got angry and contacted OM, and all sorts of other drama was occurring.

She doesn't want to continue with the mediation appointments (she says we don't need to figure out 'all the other stuff' like kid vistation, etc), and I decided that was fine for now - we know what I am supposed to pay her so if she leaves I will do that. It turns out that the mediated amount is less than she could have gotten in a temporary order since it assumes she works double the amount she currently does, so I'll take it and gladly pay it if she decides to finally move out.

Then again, it seems like after I told her to get her own place, the tension level is way down and things seem a little more 'normal' around the house. When she suggested we stop going to mediation I said OK, that I was satisfied for the short term because we came to an agreement on support/alimony that assumes she works more, which was my main motivation for seeing the mediator in the first place.

I am not sure what will happen next, but I am not caring much about her and the OM after I had a flare-up with him, which taught me that I don't want to lend my own energy to that whole situation.

I am also getting more comfortable with the idea of paying her support if she leaves. I was dreading it because it would be financially devastating, but I now realize I can probably make it work with some serious belt-tightening, plus things are going well at my new job and I anticipate having even more money coming in in the near future.

Otherwise, I treat her like a roomate and am doing better at not getting drawn into any drama or emotional interchanges with her.

I guess it is still at 'game point' - it seems like we walked up to the edge but there was a pull back of some sorts. It may be short lived. I actually think that it is a good idea for her to move out - I say this because what she has been doing (staying but 'separated' in our own house) hasn't been working. I don't think there is any chance she will 'wake up' unless her world radically changes, and it would be a very very slight chance in that case. I feel like I am in a better frame of mind to handle it now, however, which is good.

[tryingtilDorR]

One other interesting thing - last night after D16's game my MIL had me and the kids come by for dinner. W got off work and I let her know we were over there, and she said that she wasn't coming because she was already home, but that "Its YOUR family now anyway" which I thought was a weird comment.

She is slightly estranged from her own family who think she is nuts and she resents the fact that they don't support what she is doing. I don't necessarily think this is all good since it gives her reasons to resent me, but I am at the point where I just consider it her problem. Her actions are driving their opinions, even though early on when the bomb dropped I offered up a lot of information to them about what was going on about OM, etc. That was a looong time ago, but her family is pretty 'old school' and are disappointed that she isn't putting any effort into the M especially for the kids.

Again, it isn't the best situation, but the opposite would be worse I guess (where her family supported her actions or were indifferent).

[tryingtilDorR]

I just noticed the difference in my attitude between my first post here 3+ weeks ago and now. I am much more calm/indifferent at this point.

I was ticked off about W talking to OM the day after Valentine's day which caused a bunch of stress and arguments between us over the following 2 weeks. My original post on this thread was just a few days after that all started.

[MarkG]

Your visiting MIL will definitely give W resentments towards both you and MIL. IMO you and MIL should not be having dinner, although there are both good and bad sides to this:

good:
W will hopefully realize she's messed up in the head because MIL sees it
WAS's run until they run out of places to run.... burning bridges can shorten the distance they put between you
children could also aid in pointing out the above since they see W's and MIL's relationship go downhill over you

bad:
W could develop resentments toward both you and MIL
giving W more reasons to have resentments will definitely hurt your sitch if you want to R
children might become confused about family structure and what happens in a separation or divorce

If it were me I'd stay away but bring the kids and have talks when you do, but not stay for dinner. I could be wrong, but it just seems like too much contact.

[tryingtilDorR]

I should have probably added a little more background - MIL takes care of our kids every Tuesday and has dinner over there for them. Usually W stops by there after she is off work to pick them up. That day we were all together at D16s game and we all went to MILs.

It turns out that I am very close with my ILs and W resents it, but I don't flaunt it with her. I am actually amazed at how supportive they are of me in this situation since I know in most situations ILs support their own no matter what. They had another situation where W's uncle was a WAS and they stood steadfastly by his wife as he ran off the rails. He ended up going down a very self-destructive path after he left his W and they envision something similar for my W and are concerned for our kids. I actually think she will end up in a self-destructive pattern as well (already is I think). ILs have told her that OM is not welcome around them ever. I don't think W has told OM this.

I have been angry quite a bit over the past 6-12 months. I realized that anger was driving a lot of my behavior and many decisions. I had convinced myself that if W moved out to be with OM I would file for D. However, I realized that I should only do this if that is what I truly want, but not just in response to her actions. I will be satisfied initially that she has taken the initiative to leave our home finally after all this time, and then take stock of the situation. I am not sure if I would want her back after she was with OM or not, so if I am not sure I should just wait to decide I think until I am sure.

I told her I was deciding to not file anything in the short term even if she moves out, and that if she wants a D she can file. I may decide I want a D at some point afterward, but that I wasn't going to pull the trigger just because she moves out.

She said:

you mean if I leave and am out having sex with other men you won't D me?

I said it is a hypothetical situation (I think - she may already be doing this for all I know), and I would cross that bridge when I come to it.

I have been consistent in trying to get her to take responsibility for her own actions: If you want to continue your R with OM then move out; If you decide you don't want to be M anymore then file for D; etc etc. She tries to half-blame things on me:

I told you I am only here for kids and you told me to stay (not correct - I told her to stay if she stopped communicating with OM and she always leaves that detail out). You said you wouldn't pay if I left (true not until we saw the mediator to come up with a fair assumption about how much she works).

I will see where she goes with this. My prediction is that she moves out and doesn't file anything. She just wants me to pay to help her if she moves out. She told me today that for the first few months she would possibly not have me pay the full amount we agreed to in mediation since money is pretty tight right now. The agreed-upon support amount we got through mediation is a bargain for me since she could easily file for a temporary support order that would have me paying a lot more, so I am cooperating with her on this front.

Once she is gone I will re-assess my options at that point. She is aggressively looking for places to live, even considering buying a small place with her own pre-marital money she has for a down payment.

One other interesting note from last week - W got all wound up and told me that I needed to

stop spreading rumors about me - you told someone that I was having sex with OM on my days off.

This is not true at all, and I was wondering where the heck she heard this. I get her to admit to that OM told her he heard this from someone. In fact it came from his live-in quasi-GF (for more on that read my original thread). I had contact her in December and told her that W doesn't work certain days and that I had proof that they talked a lot on those days but also suspected that they met with each other but didn't have specific proof. I told W that the GF was probably drawing her own conclusions, and why they heck would she believe anything OM said about me anyway? He definitely got her riled up which was his objective. He is a good manipulator I told her.

I really do think this thing with her an OM will blow up if she moves out. What happens after that who knows - she seems interested in 'dating' in general (she told me this shockingly enough) so OM may be only part of her motivation at this point.

[robx]

you are NOT willing to do the alternate moving out thing,
you stay in the home, don't move out, no matter what she agrees to, she can always change her mind and you'll be out of the home.
No alternating between an apartment and your home, if the OM is that important to her, allow her the responsibility of her actions and let her move out and be a big girl and deal with the consequences of big girl decisions.

Seriously, no moving out for you, if she wants to, just let her move out, np, but you don't move out, stay home, it's a better position for you through all of this - trust me.