No longer "stuck808". Now my name is Bond. "MrBond

[MrBond]

Journaling.

So Saturday we see each other and have lunch together with the kids. It's nice and I leave to go home alone afterwards. That night I talk to her briefly and things are nice.

Then on Sunday, we go out to an event together with the kids. She's in a bit of a quiet mood, I think cause she's tired, but things are good. I drop her off and I give her a hug when she leaves. I try to make eye contact with her when we do it, but she always looks downward or seems nervous. It always looks like she's ashamed of something and can't look at me in the eye when we get close.

Unlike in the past, she would have looked uncomfortable and told me to back off or something. I don't know. It almost looks like she's trying something but is still holding back.

So later that night we talk again on the phone and I bring up the issue about our D's school. I told her that I wanted her to understand that I am not "overriding" her decision or that her opinion doesn't matter. She threw in a "whatever" and "do what you want" then I stopped her again. I told her that we were having an adult conversation and that I never wanted to hear her say "whatever" again. That a M requires compromise and listening and I was interested in listening to her.

Then I told her about how many times I had to hold my tongue when she wanted something and I didn't, but that I understood how important it was for her so I let her have her way. I wasn't about to have her get into her "victim" mode again.

So I told her I was always interested in what she had to say, and that all she had to do was say it. We kind of left it at that.

I wanted to re-enforce her talking to me as a positive, so I emailed her today the following message:

"Thanks for talking last night. I know this stuff isn't easy for you to talk about, but you've been trying and I think you've been doing great. It's weird how after so many years, we've forgotten how to talk to each other. I read that's what happens when couples are together for so long, but it's easy to get back as long as they try.

Well thanks for a good weekend together and I hope you have a good day at work."

Then she replied "thanks".

I was actually surprised that she replied, but oh well. one step at a time.

I definitely had fun with my Ds last night though. I do miss them when I don't have them.

[MrBond]

Today I have my first session with the new IC.

I was going to talk to her about my W's depression and self-esteem issues and how I should be with her.

Any suggestions of questions I should be asking?

[confusedinpa]

How are you my brother?

I just saw your post about starting a new IC and just wanted to offer some thoughts.. for whatever it is worth.... :-p

You know I had gone to IC for quite sometime (my IC was also our MC for the 3 months before she moved out).

One of the lessons I had learned during my IC sessions (which lasted for about 10 months - once a week) was that I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to "fix" my WAW.... it wasn't till I got more focused on myself did I start "feeling better"

Perhaps I would have felt differently if my WAW wanted to try to fix herself, or wanted my help.... but it goes back to what an old mentor told me

Success is typically predicated on two factors.... knowledge and desire.... you can offer all the knowledge/insight to her to help her but if she doesn't have the desire, it will never be successful

I think you've done everything to offer the logical reasons to make her want to fix herself... but it sounds like she still doesn't.... God may be the only person who knows what the answer is to what it will take to make her want to try.....

So for now, while she's not showing that she wants to work on herself.... I would focus the IC on yourself and how you can help your girls.... At that point, I found my IC to actually be more "satisfying"

Hang in there bro!

[flowmom]

If it's a good IC they will steer you back to YOU . Don't waste your IC time/money...read Depression Fallout if you want to understand how to deal with your depressed W. But basically if they don't want to deal with their depression, there's not much you can do.

[MrBond]

CIPA,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. Glad to hear that your life is moving forward. I know it's not the best of situations for you, but you're building a stronger foundation for a better life one brick at a time.

How are interactions with your W? Still tense?

[MrBond]

flowmom,

Thanks for the information. I think I will check out that book. Do you know who wrote it?

I think she is going through something and hopefully she'll emerge on the other side whole and healthy. It is a challenge not being able to help her, but it is her journey that she has to go through. Hopefully I'll still be there when she finishes it.

[MrBond]

Update:

So I went to see the new IC and basically spilled my story out again of what happened the last couple of years. My IC said my W does show signs of depression and asked what I wanted to do. I told her that I just want to improve our communications first and see what happens after that. So the next appointment we're going to go deeper into that. My hope is that she'll join me, but I don't think she's quite at that point yet. Almost but not quite.

Well last weekend we spent almost the whole time together. Saturday we helped my D work on a school project and she left that night. On Sunday we marched in a parade with my oldest D. My W was very apprehensive at first, saying that she doesn't like to be in front of a crowd as the center of attention. That's her low self-esteem talking.

I pulled her to the side and said that she is not going there by herself and that I would be there walking along side her. And that we are there for our D. But I told her that if she felt uncomfortable, I would take our Ds alone. She agreed to go and we had fun.

Afterwards, I pulled her to the side again and told her I was proud of her for overcoming her fear of being in the parade and gave her a hug.

The week was uneventful, except for a conversation we got into on Wednesday. I told her I was afraid the OM might still be doing something behind the scenes and then the conversation moved to the OM's going away party that she was planning. I asked her if she felt that it would hurt me from her doing so. She said she didn't know it would affect me. She's really disconnected to my feelings.

So I wrote her a note on Thursday detailing how I felt it was her cheating on me all over again and tried to put it in terms of "if I had done the same to her". She later called me to see how I was doing. I told her I was doing great and then ended the call early.

Today (Friday) I stopped by my Ds school and joined her and my W for breakfast. I picked up a chai latte for my W from Starbucks beforehand and gave it to her. She was very friendly as if there was nothing wrong in the world. I've got a half day furlough at work so I told her I could meet her for lunch with our youngest D and do something together. She said okay and it was as if we weren't even separated.

I do see bits of her old self coming out more and more than before. I don't know if it's because the OM is gone or that he showed what kind of an @$$ he was, but I take it as a positive.

In the note I sent on Thursday, I mentioned how I refused to "share" her emotionally or physically with another man and that she's going to have to start setting things right. It's different to what I told her before. I even sent her some links to the "Surviving Infidelity" website to explain my point.

In the past she would have insisted that we were getting a D and that she would never come home, etc. And just be angry. In the past month or so, she's been friendly and actually starting conversations. She does go into a quiet funk every now and then and she hasn't come up to hug me and sometimes seems uncomfortable looking at me in the eye (although that has improved greatly).

Are these positive signs? How much should I push it? Any input is welcome.

[MrBond]

Or is she just doing this out of pity? I don't think so because she hadn't done anything in 2 years but run. I'd especially like to hear from anyone in Piecing to see at what point they were able see things turning their way.

[PMA_Baby!]

In my opinion, she's still acting confused and uncertain. Which based on the circumstances and what you both have been through over the last couple years is understandable.

One of your main tasks in Dbing was to plant a "seed of doubt" in her mind. It sounds to me that that seed has sprouted and is slowly growing.

My advice: Keep watering it everyday. Not to mention, keeping the weeds away that like to "drain the life" from plants.

Oh and I agree. Full Disclosure is a necessity in re-building trust on both sides.

Cheers, PMA

[sandi2]

do see bits of her old self coming out more and more than before. I don't know if it's because the OM is gone or that he showed what kind of an @$$ he was, but I take it as a positive

.

I think some of both. Once the poison is out of the diet, you just have to start getting better.