Sandi, Could you please be so kind as to read my saga and give me some advice. I've heard you are the lady I need to be talking to. My story can be found here.
Hey Sandi, I hope all is well I know your super busy helping everyone with your great advice.
Just giving you and update: As for myself I have been busy with the usual work, school, spending time with my S, & going out every now and then with some friends.
For the past few weeks W & I have been talking more; I'm tired of being angry and cold at times. Last week she locked herself out of the house again. I was just leaving work when she caught me (only 10 min. away). I went over to let her in. W thanked me & broke in to tears said she hates doing this & she has had a really crappy day then I told her to come here & she gave me a big hug.
W & I are great friends believe me that’s not what I want, but I trying really hard to forgive. I don’t know if OM is around or if there is someone else, but I can only take care of myself.
Well I move to a new place next month maybe it’s a new start; S is really happy for me! This has been a rough yr. to say the least, I have some hope but I think it needs to be locked up for a little bit if there ever is going to be a chance.
Just wondering if you have any thoughts or words of encouragement for me during this stage, as it seems the D its moving right ahead. I have read your thread about going dark & detaching & printed out your List on detaching # 33 is my favorite. I know many people think I’m crazy for still wanting & fighting for my W & M, but that’s just me. Well take care,
Thank you for the update. I really wish I knew something new to say. I feel as though I repeat myself all the time...and probably do (lol). You are in a place that I have not been, so all I could do would be say the things other well-meaning friends would tell you....like to stay strong, etc.
I personally think your W is cake eating, but what you are doing sounds like the kind of stuff Michele teaches. But, I'll tell you this (maybe have already), when I was considering leaving my M, I would have been tickled pink if my H would have been my best friend. When he told me there would be no buddy-buddy system....it got my attention and I could not see my life without him fitting in there somewhere. That's why I tell a lot of men that say they are their W's best friend...they don't want that. Let the W's girlfriends be their BFF, not the H.
Anyway, I hope you will be good to yourself and you know how "you" have to be to live happily.
Take care.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hey Sandi, Thanks for the advice & I always learn something new from it so I appreciate it. It's been tough to say the least, & just like you, me & my IC we all think OM is involved in one way or another; without you guys I would be lost. So thanks
Do I want to be friends no, but I'm tired of being angry, being stuck and, trying forgiveness (which is tough) so that I can move on.
At the moment I don’t think even if I told her there would be no buddy-buddy system it wouldn't make much difference. None of this was my choice, but I have no control of her or this process only me. Until the OM is out of the picture or even if someone else is (which I doubt)! There is no chance for any R for us.
I do have to say to books that have helped in more ways than I thought were The Dalai Lama Finding Forgiveness & I know kind of silly but Mars & Venus Starting Over. This journey just sucks & somedays are good, ok,& other days I just want her back. Well thanks again will keep in touch have a paper to write for school. Talk to you later Hope
Thanks so much for checking in on my thread and the advice you've offered. Your kindness and helpful words mean so much to me. I've never been through something so difficult in my young life, and coping with the changes is so difficult.
Sandi - Just curious, because I know I've read and remember some of your story on how you came back to your H and M and broke it off with the OM which was a long distance EA. My W the same.
I'm looking for any words of wisdom about current sitch where W tells me she is dealing with her feelings for OM. A lot of it is anger and guilt...and that she just needs to deal with it, bury it, put it in its proper place, continue to move forward with us. She said she is upset because she wants to feel nothing about him again...but suddenly there is some guilt and anger. Guilt I think (yes, mind reading here and putting two and two together) because he carried through with his end of the bargain and she didn't. He is in the process of D his wife...but my W didn't carry thru with the D and obviously won't be getting M to OM now.
We had a rough weekend...but talked our way thru it at the end. But in the interim, W said she wished she hadn't said anything to me, wish she had just dealt with it on her own and moved on vice hurting me again and hurting the trust factor that had been building...
Any thoughts on this one Sandi?
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Hi GW, always so good to hear from you. I understand the hard times that your M is going through, but I think your W is blessed to have a H who will forgive, listen, and work together till things are right again.
If I could talk to your W, I'd tell her that keeping the A a secret from you (thinking she was protecting you) would not have worked, and the M would not have surrived.
The first reason would be b/c she could not have endured the pressure by herself and the temptation to go back into the EA would have been to great. The fact that you do know will give her more strength to overcome.
The grieving for OM sounds awful, doesn't it? One might wonder how on earth a woman could mourn over him. I believe it's due to the powerful affect of the fantasy the WAW has for a new life with a new man. She puts the two into one....therefore she believes she's truly grieving for OM. And, she is.....but I think most of it was the dream of a happier life.
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A lot of it is anger and guilt...and that she just needs to deal with it, bury it, put it in its proper place, continue to move forward with us.
Is this what "she's" saying or what you are saying? If I'm reading it correctly I think you're saying that's her thinking about it. If only it was that way. This must be the military in her... Sorry to say, but she will have to deal with the emotional fall-out. The longer she was in the A, the longer it will take to get over OM. But, also it depends upon if she feeds thoughts of him. It's easy to let the mind wonder back into "what if".
I realize this isn't good news for you, but I think you already knew it.
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Guilt I think (yes, mind reading here and putting two and two together) because he carried through with his end of the bargain and she didn't.
Wow! I've had to deal with guilt but not like that. Can you explain how she's angry or how it's directed? That's got to be tough for you to know she feels guilty not keeping her end of things with OM. I'm sure she feels guilty about everything, and especially for being unfaithful to you. I would think all those emotions are doing a big number on her and may be hard for her to always name and put in the proper catagory.
I would suggest that you keep working at keeping the lines of communication open with her. As long as she's talking about her feelings then that's good, but if she starts to shut down or starts being absent for dinners again, then that's not a good sign.
Let me share this, as a WAW who had an EA, I would catch myself resenting my good H. I felt like doggie poop and here he was this wonderful man who I had done so wrong. The truth is that he has always been a good man but I wasn't able to deal with all that I had done to him and then to discover I resented him at times.....added to my confussion. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is try to resassure her that the two of you are in this together. You aren't this "saint" that has forgiven her, the sinner, and now she's got to do all the work by herself. And, you haven't......I'm just trying to make a point. Do you see what I'm saying? She's got to lean on you during this ordeal b/c if she starts trying to handle it solo, she's in trouble. I won't say it's impossible....but it sure is hard.
Continue to assure her that the M is going to make it...in spite of the rough patches and all the anger/guilt. She can't begin to have doubts and wonder if she made the right decision to stay. Always talk positive and encouraging and looking forward more than looking back. Gosh, she's so lucky that you will talk with her "through" this pain. Both of you were hurt due to her actions and it will take both of you to heal. I know you can.
She may wonder why those feelings linger around, but they will begin to fade......jump back up once in a while,but they will stop.
You may have to remind her that the two of you are a team. These are things that I personally feel that a WAW from an A needs to have. Piecing is tough, no doubt about it. It took close to two years for things to feel normal again. I don't usually tell people that b/c it sounds very discouraging.....but it is also realistic and I don't want you to think you are not doing something you should be and that progress isn't happening. It just takes a long time when hearts and lives have been wounded on this level.
I would like to have not had any feeling toward OM and just been numb to all of it, but I think the pain is necessary. After going through all that pain, she's not likely to ever allow her MR to unprotected where she finds herself in this god-awful mess again.
I think you are going a great job, GW.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandi, Always great to see your wise postings. I have a question for you. Does the WAW when they are with an OM especially or even otherwise not have any "feeling" for their H. My guess is that the lack of feeling here means numbness of some sort.
Sorry to say, but she