For those of you involved in an online affair or whose SO is involved in one, why do you think it is different. Honestly, I was healing from H's PA with a co-worker but his online EA 17 months later did it in for us. H continues to try to say it was nothing, she was 800 miles away and we were never going to meet. I am looking for insight on why he thinks it was okay since she was online and not in person. It was still dishonest and disrespectful to me in my opninion.
M:38 H:42 T:20 M:19 D:18 S:17 MLC: Sometime in 2007 OW Bomb 1: 12/28/07 OW Online relationship 2: Spring 2009 Told him I wanted D: May 10, 2009 D final: 07/09/11
It is damaging and it should be. It's saying that needs aren't being met, whether that's true or not that's what it says. I had a very short online A not long before my W and I married, and I found out 11 months into the M she wasn't over it. Between that she had even told me that she was over it. We only lasted less than a month after I was told this. Nearly everything my W had done to me was a result of her unresolved feelings about it. I would love to undo history, I'm sure we all would. When it happened my W was meeting my needs. I was approached by the OW and have no idea why I got involved, and within 3 days I had already stopped it, 1 day before she read my text messages. If he has stopped the A you should still try MC, and if not you need to tell him it is not acceptable to you and you will not stay in an open marriage. Good luck, hope that helps, but you need to take back some control & respect for yourself.
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
Kelly, IMO the only difference between an EA and a PA is that they aren't bumping bodies yet.
They are equally huge betrayals in a marriage.
Essentially the spouse having the EA/PA is saying "I'm not getting some need met in my M" and it's easier for me to go get that need met outside of the M rather than working out what is missing in the M with the other spouse.
And that's the real kick in the guts for the LBS, that the WAS isn't prepared to do what it takes within the M.
It's really a copout and a lazy option in my opinion.
H: 44 W: 42 Married: 23 years Bomb: 16/07/2009 PA Confirmed: 16/01/2010 Over it & working on ME: Feb'ish 2010
Thank you both. The online affair is over but it happened when we were trying to reconcile from affair number 1. I have been so angry over the fact that he spent time flirting with her online when I was begging him to do things for us. I am just trying to figure out what the problem was so I can have happy relationships in the future.
M:38 H:42 T:20 M:19 D:18 S:17 MLC: Sometime in 2007 OW Bomb 1: 12/28/07 OW Online relationship 2: Spring 2009 Told him I wanted D: May 10, 2009 D final: 07/09/11
Kelly, IMO the only difference between an EA and a PA is that they aren't bumping bodies yet.
They are equally huge betrayals in a marriage.
Essentially the spouse having the EA/PA is saying "I'm not getting some need met in my M" and it's easier for me to go get that need met outside of the M rather than working out what is missing in the M with the other spouse.
And that's the real kick in the guts for the LBS, that the WAS isn't prepared to do what it takes within the M.
It's really a copout and a lazy option in my opinion.
This. ^
You need to ask your husband for full transparency, including keylogging the computer he uses. It sounds like that's what YOU need in order to heal, and it's what he is going to have to do to earn back your trust.
Was there ever a transparency plan put in place after his PA? Marriage counseling, preferably with a counselor experienced in dealing with infidelity? Without these two things the recidivism rate for adultery is EXTREMELY high.
We did have a plan in place and went to MC. Both lasted about 6 months. I have come to the conclusion that H has a personality that leads to him going full force into whatever he wants, and it lasts for a small amount of time. Things such as a new sport, buys tons of equipment and plays for a season. Gets involved in NASCAR, spends thousands on collectable cars and then gets tired of them. He tried really hard for about 4 months after PA and then since he was over it, he thought I should have been over it too.
M:38 H:42 T:20 M:19 D:18 S:17 MLC: Sometime in 2007 OW Bomb 1: 12/28/07 OW Online relationship 2: Spring 2009 Told him I wanted D: May 10, 2009 D final: 07/09/11
I have come to the conclusion that H has a personality that leads to him going full force into whatever he wants, and it lasts for a small amount of time. Things such as a new sport, buys tons of equipment and plays for a season. Gets involved in NASCAR, spends thousands on collectable cars and then gets tired of them.
Kelly, I'm wondering whether your H is in MLC? For my H, that was exactly what Replay looked like, as he tried to find distractions from his depression.
