Sigh. Today was the day from hell...apparently because my ex just glossed over that text message I sent her the other day that she responded "FINALLY!" to and only saw it as me saying I was fine with everything and wasnt interested in her anymore.
She apparently missed the part of that text the other day about making an effort but having no regrets even if it didnt work out.
She ended up telling me today that if I ruined things with her and the OM she would murder me.
She said that the OM thinks I'm crazy, and I can only assume that's based on my going over there and catching them two weeks ago as well as anything my ex might be feeding him. I told her that I didnt know I would find them together over there...that when a person who doesnt normally go to bed until 2AM says they're going to bed at 10PM and their Blackberry goes offline (which she also never does)...something weird was going on and I wanted to make sure she and D3 werent home invasion victims.
While I dont want any legal action taken against me, nor do I want to be murdered by my ex, I would be happy if her and OM did part ways.
I dont know why or how she thinks I could ruin things for her...I mean at 41 he knows he's got a good thing by having a 26 year old to have sex with and parade around town...and from the way my ex is talking, she's seeing dollar signs and a higher quality of life. So I dont see my being able to do a thing to come between them. Maybe he doesnt like drama...yet he doesnt see or care that he's an obstacle to a family reuniting.
My ex sent me text messages and called me, and I responded to the messages and calls, and then she said I was harassing her. I asked her what she wanted me to do...not respond or answer when she asks me something. All that does is piss her off and make her text and call more.
She gave me the "we're done" speech again and said she only wanted to talk about D3. I think there was blame and discussion of not trying, and she said she was "trying" that week but that I went and spied on her with the OM and messed it all up.
She said again how it made no sense that I thought she cheated on me with OM and called her a name (that I didnt) and still wanted to be back with her. She said she's so stressed out that she cant eat anymore without getting sick.
She said she was gonna take me for everything (which makes no sense since we're not M) and that I lost her and if I kept it up I would lose D3 too.
Again what all this has done to me doesnt matter. It doesnt matter that I've gotten less than 4 hours of sleep per night since she left (despite two different and strong prescriptions), or that I wake up with dry heaves every morning, or that I've had constant heart palpitations 24/7 since she left...and thats just the physical stress.
At some point she started screaming into the phone cursing and and saying how she hated me and then hung up.
Then she called back and asked why I keep doing this to her. I told her it didnt have to be like this...and that things werent like this...that I wasnt like I am before she left. That made her bring up discussion of her being so miserable living at home and all the things I did/didnt do that gave her grief.
I told her once again that I had no idea how unhappy she was and she accused me of not living in reality but instead living on another planet or in a bubble. She said the same thing when I told her I didnt realize we were "trying" that week when we did all that stuff. She siad she couldnt understand why I have to be told everything.
She then said if I wanna talk and hang out, go to lunch, etc and that will make me feel better then thats fine. I think she might have rescended the offer again...who knows. She still ended up hanging up on me because she had to go to work.
She thinks I'm crazy...I think that's the pot calling the kettle black. Times like this I wish I could go live on another planet.
She called me up and said OM just called her at work and said someone sent him a nasty email anonymously. She says she thinks it's me and says she thought she could trust me but I pushed her too far. She said if I contacted her again by phone or text she was going to call the police...she said this was my last warning.
I told her it wasnt me...because it wasnt. I said after her threat of killing me and the fragile state of things why would I do that? But she believes its true and theres nothing I can do to prove otherwise.
She's really lost it.
I deleted her contact info from my phone. So now if any unknown numbers show up on my phone I'm not answering them. I cant afford to take any chances. This is rediculous.
But I guess it shows that all the stuff shes said has been for nothing more than to bait me...set me up.
I just contacted my cell provider and had my ex's number blocked.
I dont trust her anymore. I will not be baited into any more discussions on the phone or by text that she can use as ammo to take D3 away so they can go be a happy family with OM.
I dont know why or how she thinks I could ruin things for her...I mean at 41 he knows he's got a good thing by having a 26 year old to have sex with and parade around town...and from the way my ex is talking, she's seeing dollar signs and a higher quality of life.
Ruin what? A dream with this other guy that doesn't exist? If he wanted to be with her, he would be footing the bill for the divorce right now. Is he? Doesn't seem that way...
Don't be a fool about this. A 41 year old man isn't seeing a good thing when he's seeing a 26 year old. He's seeing himself get older and pudgier. He's not seeing your wife as a good thing - she could be anybody. The only thing he's seeing is himself as Peter Pan and not growing up.
And don't be fooled by your wife's interpretation. If she thinks that she's going to get a higher quality of life, just ask him how many other under-30 year old ladies he's been with. If he's good with money....well, think about it. It won't go to her.
You are looking at through her point of view. Pull back and look at it as what it is - a sad middle aged guy going after a married woman with a kid. That's not hot...it's convenient.
I dont know why or how she thinks I could ruin things for her...I mean at 41 he knows he's got a good thing by having a 26 year old to have sex with and parade around town...and from the way my ex is talking, she's seeing dollar signs and a higher quality of life.
Ruin what? A dream with this other guy that doesn't exist? If he wanted to be with her, he would be footing the bill for the divorce right now. Is he? Doesn't seem that way...
Don't be a fool about this. A 41 year old man isn't seeing a good thing when he's seeing a 26 year old. He's seeing himself get older and pudgier. He's not seeing your wife as a good thing - she could be anybody. The only thing he's seeing is himself as Peter Pan and not growing up.
And don't be fooled by your wife's interpretation. If she thinks that she's going to get a higher quality of life, just ask him how many other under-30 year old ladies he's been with. If he's good with money....well, think about it. It won't go to her.
You are looking at through her point of view. Pull back and look at it as what it is - a sad middle aged guy going after a married woman with a kid. That's not hot...it's convenient.
knittedscarf, I like your point of view. Very good observation.
nsw, listen to this and try to keep things in perspective. This 41 year old guy will not be around forever, trust me. Pretty sad behavior for a 41 year old man. Not much of a man if you ask me. This guy sounds like HE has serious issues in his own life and should think about getting his own act together instead of preying on a 26 year old woman with a child. My 2 cents.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
nsw, you need to calm down. Seriously, you don't sound stable. If you want your D3 to be part of your life it's a necessity that you calm down. You can't control your W's craziness, but you can do something about yourself. And no matter how crazy she is, your sitch won't be crazy if you stop throwing fuel on the fire.
I don't understand how you can block your W's number? I feel that it's really important that H and I always be able to contact one another in case of an emergency or change of plans involving the children.
I remember you had some reason for not going to your IC right away, but I suggest that you go to someone else ASAP. And go to your doctor to discuss your symptoms. Dealing with the pain of separation is no picnic...I understand that. I've lost 16 lbs in the last month and a half. But you can't let the drama of your sitch take over.
Ask yourself what kind of father you want to be. That's a really good starting point for you. My little 3 year old girl is really feeling the pain of the separation. She can't put it in words, but I can see the stress in her behaviour. She needs me to be calm, to be present with her, to act normal around H, to be an example of strength in adversity, etc. And every day I wake up and vow to be there for my little ones. Being there for them helps me.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Thanks for the optimistic thoughts mza and knitted...but I think my ex is gonna be with this guy for the long haul. Aside from her being head over heels for him and the guy being interested in things she's interested in (sports and drinking) he's got a good job and is well to do...she's always been bad with money and now she has a guy that can give her whatever she wants in exchange for a 26 year old trophy and sex.
Flowmom...if my ex *really* needs to get in touch with me, she can either call our house phone or use another phone to call my cell.
But I'm not going to enable her to gather any more ammo on me by playing with my emotions just so she can try to take D3 away. All this back and forth of "we can hang out", then "I hate you we're done", then "if you want we can talk and text", back to "we're done if you dont leave me alone I'm calling the cops" business is a stress on me like you wouldnt believe. Every time it's happened it's like she's left me all over again.
Until she apologizes for falsely accusing me and threatening me (with murder!), and possibly even decides to end things with the OM, I think this is how it has to be. I just cant go through this again and again every week.
he's got a good job and is well to do...she's always been bad with money and now she has a guy that can give her whatever she wants in exchange for a 26 year old trophy and sex.
A guy who is good with money did not get money by letting women who were bad with money have it.
I know this is hard for you, but it's just because you are in the middle of a terrible situation, but what you think is real...it isn't.
A guy who is good with money did not get money by letting women who were bad with money have it.
I know this is hard for you, but it's just because you are in the middle of a terrible situation, but what you think is real...it isn't.
Agreed. My sitch is slightly different, age differences go the opposite way. I'm 28, W will be 24 later this month, OM is almost 21. OM also has no kids. Their R is based on nothing more than the attention towards eachother and the fact that they were both on rebound when they initially hooked up. W has had so few rights with the kids that they have never spent the night, and during their supervised visits OM has never been allowed to be present. Within the last week or 2 she has been given more priveleges, and is trying to prove to me she is getting the kids and my last "mistake" ruined any chance I had. While this is true for short-term, I still think I can come out on top if I'm careful in how I deal with the issues at hand. Back to the point of all this - what is going to happen when OM is thrown in the role of caring for 2 children? Combine what a 20 year old is likely to do when thrown into a parenting role and their R becomes more "real" to him we'll see if his words of support are backed up by action. How will W handle this? Also they have bounced many many checks on their new joint account - my W is terrible with money and I'm figuring out he's not much better, and I'm pretty sure they've crossed the line where there will be criminal charges for it. As much as they're doing good in her eyes atm, this is very very likely to change.
How this applies to you: your W will paint a perfect picture of their R so she can defend her actions - not to you, but herself even more than you. She is unsure of what she's doing but doesn't want anyone to know. This will help her keep up her lie to herself. The tricky part is the harder you push what you know is the truth she will just run faster than you can chase. My W and I have just passed the 6 month mark of our separation, and here's what I learned between months 2 & 4 when I did the most pursuing:
she is LYBNILWY, hates me, doesn't love me, does love me but hates the fact that she still loves me.... what this means is really LYBNILWY and she reacts to my pushing in different ways depending on the day
she admitted she knows she could be happy with me but still LYBNNILWY
she knows we would have a future if we were to work it out, but we need a "now"
when she said she could numb the pain of separating from me with drinking, but after leaving OM could not get over it by drinking, I called her on the fact that she jumped right into a rebound R with OM and possibly that's what masked the feelings and she's still hurting over me and just thinks it's over OM - never got a response, of course it's my ego making me think that's an admission, but I know that had to strike a nerve somewhere
after all that it's obvious she could bring herself to come around if she chose to, but the main thing to remember is we made it here to this forum because our logic vs spouse's lack of ability to realize logic caused all the problems leading up - this is why the whole DB process works is because it defies the logic we have that our WAS doesn't share
So see a counselor if you need to (and can afford it), get on meds if you need to, keep coming back here, GAL, and move on to better yourself.
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
Within the last week or 2 she has been given more priveleges, and is trying to prove to me she is getting the kids and my last "mistake" ruined any chance I had.
That certainly sounds familar.
Originally Posted By: MarkG
How this applies to you: your W will paint a perfect picture of their R so she can defend her actions - not to you, but herself even more than you. She is unsure of what she's doing but doesn't want anyone to know. This will help her keep up her lie to herself.
Speaking of not wanting anyone to know...when the ex made the threat of murdering me she was over at her grandmothers house with D3 and when she was on the phone, instead of referring to OM, she just said "that thing we talked about earlier". She doesnt want her grandmother, or anyone else in her family to know about this R.
Probably her grandmother especially, since she is supposedly leaving my ex a large sum of money when she dies and she probably figures she will change her will or osmething if she finds out what my ex has done and with who. But that's just speculation at this point.
My ex came to get D3 this morning and instead of me having the door unlocked so she could just walk right in like she has been doing it was closed and locked. My ex said "Are you seriously going to let me stand out here in the cold?" (which was all of ~5 seconds) I got D3's coat on, told her bye, politely opened the door, let D3 walk out, and politely closed it.
Then I went and had breakfast, went to Toys R Us and bought D3 a foam baseball and glove and a tee and foam bat, then I went to the mall and walked around before I came back home.
and again I appreciate you guys words of support and optimism, but I've about had it with all this drama...and my ex is way too angry and holds grudges way too long for me to believe that this will all blow over. every new thing that had happend in the past month has been something else she's added to the list of things she cant forgive me for...and probably the list of things she'll try to use against me in a custody battle. when all this started she had no real ammo...then she pushed my buttons and flip flopped on me so many times that I reacted on my emotions.
by having her blocked from calling or texting, I think I'm limiting that possibility in the future...which makes me happy in a way.
