I think I'd rather be dead than this- WAW

[Quart9]

I was getting ready for church this morning and I opened the drawer that I keep the copies of the cell phone records (the ones that I saw the zillion text msgs on between W and OM that help me discover A) in and I picked them up and started to look at them.

I only have records from mid Nov '09 until she got a new cell phone around 4th Dec '09. She took me off of our family plan at that time and I know now she did that so I couldn't see her cell phone bill anymore. Looking at the records I do have - I just can't believe how much they were texting each other. All day long non-stop. What really disgusts me is - I didn't notice before I looked at the bill today and I see where she sent him several picture messages too. WTF? Why haven't I noticed this before? And what was she sending him - nude pics or something? I guess I will never know.

I feel like such a retard because I didn't look at these cell phone bills BEFORE I moved out so I could have confronted her BEFORE I moved out.

There were several times when I noticed her texting so much. There was one night that I was feeling suspicious of her and she fell asleep on the couch. I picked up her phone to check it but she locked it so that I could not access it. It raised suspicion in me but I never followed through. Why? I'm retarded I guess.

I wish now I would have just grabbed the phone out of her hand when she was texting one of those nights and looked at it. Hindsight is 20/20 and its too late now.

I still miss here so much even though I know she has been sleeping with OM and she has made it so clear she never wants to be with me again. There's a part of me that still has this tiny little hope we will reconcile and I feel ashamed of that.

[Quart9]

Welcome to another day of "I think I'd rather be dead than this!"

Found out W's e-mail passwords today.

Found pics from OM and two were nudes. Love letters and discussions of dates they've been on. Oh and that trip around Valentines Day to MN to see her friend - nah that was to Salt Lake City - skiing w/ OM I suppose. Another trip itinerary back in early Feb. Plans for a LV trip soon.

The common theme is how lucky they are to be going through this sitch together and how the stars were aligned in their meeting. Oh and how it feels when they hug and kiss. No convo on sex though - suprising.

I didn't think this could hurt anymore than it already did. Boy was I wrong.

The best part - e-mail between her and a lawyer around Feb 25th. So now I guess she has filed or ready to do so. I should have done it already. What an idiot.

[Gnosis]

Q9 hang in there bro. Stop looking for anything else. You've received your closure and now you need to start looking out for yourself. Start doing what is right for YOU.

[kara]

Q9, Start being good to yourself. You know enough and you don't need anymore information or images in your head. JMHO.

[crushed_v95]

You should not be hacking her e-mail. This makes you look needy and pathetic, and as we all know: you are better than that.

Yes, it hurts. Queue the Type O Negative song now (I Know You're F***ing Someone Else) and realize that many of us have been through it, Peter Steele included.

The biggest loser is your wife. She is starry eyed over this fella, who is going to see her as untrustworthy soon (she cheated on you -- do you think he's not going to wonder what she'd do with him?) and will almost certainly dump her in the near future. Soon you'll be out of school with a great career and happy, and she'll be lonely, wishing she had seen the light sooner.

[Quart9]

She actually GAVE me her passwords for another reason and I thought hmm I'll see if it works on her e-mail. Then I found out she had another secret e-mail address and the password worked for that on too.

I guess it does make me look pathetic and I shouldn't be digging anymore. I'm glad that I saw what I did. It just solidifies what I thought about her.

I'm just wondering if I can get in trouble for this because of privacy reasons or whatever. I'd love to post a pic of her boyfriend on FB. That would send shockwaves (and probably land me in jail).

Yep move forward and take care of me.

[crushed_v95]

I think posting photos and otherwise indulging in sour grapes will be contrary to the long term goals you might have. It looks needy, petty and small. You're bigger and better than this sort of thing.

Listen: You obviously still love her. Why don't you look at the big picture?

Consider what will happen when this affair of hers tanks (it will - sooner than you think) and she's alone. What's she going to do?

If you can hack putting all this animosity and anger on the back burner for a little while, I'm guessing she'll be back in your arms when jerk-boy wanders off to wreck another family.

I imagine his pic is pretty ludicrous and unflattering, right? People who are good looking/successful/strong don't slink around in the shadows and boink on married women. They get their own women (or men if they're chicks or gay dudes). The people who cheat are always inferior to those of us superior males and females who took the vows.

Would you sneak around to steal crumbs from the table of a married couple? I didn't think so. No need to post photos. We can all imagine what he looks/acts like.

He's a nobody. Treat him accordingly.

[Quart9]

I was just kidding crushed I wouldn't post photos. At this point I am positive I won't be there when whatever they have crumbles. He's married too and in the process of D I guess.

He and I look alike a little except for the fact that he is hairless and has a six pack. Lucky he has his hand over his crotch in his nudes so I'm spared on that comparison. It makes me wonder if she sent nudes to him - sick.

With each minute that goes by now I actually feel a little more detached and I'm not as hurt as I was ealier. My heart was pounding out of my chest like it was the day I first found out about him.

I'm a little jealous of the way she talked to him in the e-mails I saw. I don't remember her ever talking to me the way she talks to him or maybe it has just been a long time since she has. They've got something real special I guess.

I just need to toughen up here and hold my head up.

[Gnosis]

All they've got right now is the fantasy they've created. Wait until day to day reality hits them and watch their little fantasy fall apart.

[crushed_v95]

You're wrong. It's nothing special.

She talked about you that way in the beginning too, probably better... even if you don't remember. Soon, as Gnosis pointed out, the harsh light of reality will illumine their cheeseball little fantasy world, and it'll all be over.