Too Late For Us?

[Number 8]

mrbt, I'm so sorry. When you feel ready, we'll be glad to hear what happened. Thinking of you.

[mrbt]

Update.

After catching wife with OM I went out of town for work. While I was away, wife took a $2,500 cash advance from an old credit card (one we have not used in years). The card is in her name but, since I pay the bills, my e-mail address was registered with the card. I received a fraud alert e-mail and then called wife to ask if she had used the card. She was caught off guard by the question, got angry and refused to talk. About an hour later she sent a text saying that she borrowed money to loan to her brother. We had discussed loaning money to her brother just a few days ago - I didn't think it was a good idea. She said she still had the money and we could talk about it when I got home.

When. I got home and raised the topic she responded with anger once again. This made me suspicious so I started checking into things. I check the credit card statement online and pulled a copy of the credit report. I discovered that she had a new secret phone, a secret PO box address, and a loan for $2,500 from the credit union (applied for the day after the credit card cash advance).

Apparently, her plan was to pay the credit card with the loan, tell me it was all taken care of, and keep the loan secret until it was paid.

The confusing part is, after all this happened, things seemed to be improving. Wife was a giving me a lot of positive signs; she talked about going to a marriage counselor with me. We talked about future plans (vacations. etc.). It's as if she had to pull off one last deception and then she was ready to work on the marriage.

Since she didn't want to talk, I gave her time. . . I was waiting for her to come clean and tell me what was going on. Finally, just a few days ago, the topic came up, I got the anger thing again. She said she was going to pay the credit card (but didn't mention the other loan). I just couldn't stand being lied to and so I finally told her I knew what she was up to.

She would not tell me where the money went. Maybe it was loaned (given to the OM). I have no idea. So, rather then tell me the truth she decided it was time to end the marriage. She packed some of her things and is preparing to move out (but is still here).

So, that's where I am at the moment.

[Chuck66]

Help her. Start getting some boxes/suit cases. Elvis had a motto of "Taking Care of Business in a Flash" TCB with a lightening bolt. She wants out, help her our expeditiously.

[mrbt]

I think you are right chuck. * heavy sigh *

[Chuck66]

Mrbt,
I just read your entire thread from start to finish. When I say to help her leave expeditiously I do not mean its the end of your R with her. I am hoping for the same thing in my R. I am hoping that my W will come to her senses before our D is finalized but if not I am going to keep bobbing, weaving, and GAL to get her attention to reverse direction.

You and I have to trust the pros here that a D does not have to mean its the end. I want so badly for my W to return emotionally (yes I am not even close to detaching although I am doing very good job showing my wife a very detached person) that I trust the pros who say "drop the rope" or "set them free." I went straight to filing for a D only 5 weeks after the bomb.

It's also easier for me to show detachment since my wife works 11 hours per day (I still think EA on work computer is why, but no proof). I get 30 minutes in the am and 2 hours in the pm to see her. Maybe I'm too cold since neither one spoke a single word tonight. But I digress.

My point is to remember one of the last rules of the 180's is to never give up. YOU can NOT change another person. Let them be to change themselves.

And 8 has been a great friend/supporter of yours. 8 is great!

[mrbt]

Thank you Chuck. And yes, 8 is great. 8 is now my favorite number (also like the character 7 of 9 from Star Trek Next Generation).

[mrbt]

Today is our 22nd anniversary. This morning wife said it's "Be Kind to Husband Day." I guess I will take the day off from reality.

[pinhead]

I guess I will take the day off from reality.

Hey, if she can avoid reality, why can't you for a day. Just take anything that comes with a lump of NACL.

[soleil]

YOU can NOT change another person. Let them be to change themselves.

Amen to that. I once read: anytime you are waiting for someone to change, you are wasting time.

So true!

[Chuck66]

My wife and I tried to change each other for 21 years. It took something like this to happen before I started to look at myself to change. Now its a coin toss on my R even with any changes I do make.