Those of you who were in a similar situation as me and reconciled with their W....how did you do it? While my W's behavior hasn't been exemplary the last 2-3 weeks, she has been showing (what I think to be) geniune remorse. Today she point blank told me she has royally screwed up her life, mine and our kids and wants to come home. I again told her I wasn't interested.
I truly want what is best for my kids. I just don't know if I could live with myself if I attempt to reconcile though. I'm not talking about pride either, I've kicked that to the curb awhile back. Some say love is a choice. Right now, no matter how hard I try, I can't choose love.
Any suggestions, ideas, etc???
One step at a time. Just do the next right thing. Be kind. Perhaps she'll prove herself. Just spend a 'little' time with her. Just talk, not fight. Go for coffee.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
A have heard of couples in a situation like yours who were able to save their marriage through Retrouvaille. In fact, one of the lead couples tells a story like yours. You can find out about Retrouvaille weekends near you on the website, www.helpourmarriage.org. Ask your wife to go to the weekend with you. They have helped a lot of people, my husband and I really turned out relationship around through Retrouvaille.
Curve, I hesitate to say I'm "piecing" just yet. But to cut to the chase...I came to this site and read DR for one purpose; to save my marriage. I can only assume that you came here for the same reason.
For me, trying to salvage the M after my W giving birth to another man's child is because of a few reasons. She continually expressed her desire during her pregnancy to make it work; showed remorse and we started talking candidly. Candid, brutal talk was always missing from our relationship unless we were arguing. I was looking forward to D after the kid was born. But when it came down to it; I couldn't pull the trigger and decided to tell her right before Christmas that I would like to try and make it work.
I had to dig down into my heart and soul and ask myself, "What does mC really want, D or M?" I have seen what is the wreck of a D and decided that I had nothing to lose. I've had nearly 1.5 years to make myself a healthier person and figured that the effort would not be wasted and I would be no worse off for having tried one more time. At least now, I'm better equipped emotionally to handle it if we do D.
So I slowly re-engage and she is agreeable to taking it slowly. We have no expectations and I do believe we love each other. Still I'm not sure if that is enough. My W has severe psychological and emotional issues and it's likely they'll get in the way. So I have boundaries, goals, and an exit plan in place. I continue my DB principles such as 180s and GAL; but I do pay attention to the pursuit that she needs. I also have some requirements as counseling for her and us; plus church. So it's one day at a time.
It will be a lot of hard work on both sides...
SG is right, just spend time with her. PMA when you're together. you've got nothing to lose; it's already been lost. If you love her; just do it this way and see where it leads you.
Just remember, no expectations. Expectations are only disappointments unrealized.
This is a very difficult situation that happens all too often. This situation is the worst fear of any man and this fear goes back to prehistory.
Yep I would agree that your WW has really screwed up. You were not given a choice in this matter - it has been and still is all about her and her feelings.
The reality is a divorce will not remove the pain nor the life long interaction with WW and her OM. Realize that a divorce or will create the following:
1. Dividing the financial resources by CS and alimony that you and your kids are entitled. 2. OM will be your kids step dad for 50% of the time for the foreseeable future if WW decides to marry him. 3. All future events such graduations, weddings and future births will involve OM and the OC. 4. Everyone's lives will be entwined with each other - no way around it.
Whenever the time is right and you have made your decision- have a come to jesus meeting with om and WW with a mediator or priest or some 3rd party to discuss this mutual future for your children's sakes. Ask this OM what is his intentions with WW and your family and what can he bring to the table to support this family. Bring in the in-laws so they are involved.
I don't post here altho have been lurking for some time. My methods are more in your face since most OM are little more than cock roaches. I do hope and pray for you and your kids.
I've read up a little on your sitch and see we have a bit in common. I admire you for what you've done and at least it lets me know that if I do decide to 'try' that I'm not the only one. Thanks so much for sharing!
Last night was my parents 40th anniversary party. As I'm sitting there visiting with family/friends (and after I was home) my mind wanders to thinking I CAN at least try. After all I want to be able to experience something like this in the future and I want my children to be able to actually go to something like that with/for their parents. I guess that was a 'trigger' for me that tells me I'm still not 100% detatched. I also got very sick and tired of people asking me 'how are you doing?' with that 'I'm sorry' look on their face. They mean well, they care about me and my girls...but still!
My youngest has her 2nd birthday tomorrow! Tonight we had a party for her at my in laws. I was pleasant with the W. The in laws are still in my corner and I still get along wonderfully with them, the OM is not welcome there. As we are leaving to come home, my oldest (almost 6) starts crying because we are leaving mommy. Another 'trigger' for me.
My thoughts as I type this are to lay down some extremely strict boundaries, issue no promises, and see what happens. Tomorrow may bring a change of heart, but as of right now that is where I am.
Heck if the US could beat the Russians in 1980 and then beat the Canadiens on their home ice like they did tonight...anything is possible right?? Sorry...my weak attempt at humor on a very non-humorous night at my house.
To everyone who has responded I just want to say thank you. I read everything and believe me, I actually look forward to seeing what you have to say. As I'm sure you could guess, my family/friends that I do talk to all tell me I'm absolutely insane for even thinking of sticking around. I've found it best to NOT talk to them about it anymore.
So thanks again....I look forward to your observations, advice, experiences, etc.
I was kicking around some ideas for boundaries and I come up with a pretty lengthly mental list. As I was thinking more about them though I think it really boils down to 1 main one.
No contact with OM. Period.
If she isn't willing to do this, then the rest is really a moot point.
Does that make sense? I'm thinking IF she does this, then we can discuss my other requirements. If she doesn't I continue down the D path.
A lot of the advice I've received speaks of spending 'some' time with W and keeping a PMA. I can do that, but she is still in contact with OM. Albeit not as much as before, but texting is still daily. I just don't think I'm interested in even 'some' time if I'm 'competing'. I'm through with competition.
good, that's the attitude, you don't compete, you're too good for that, in fact, you make the choice for her:
"I get it, you want him and you don't want me anymore and I understand this now and it's ok, I'm ok with this because I'm ready to move on, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me."
And then ask her to move out, you won't support her and she needs to be with the OM, she can be his problem now. You push her toward him and you move in the opposite direction.
That's the attitude, and again, you're not being an a$$hole or a prick, you're ok with this, you have a great attitude, life is awesome, everything will be ok.
OK..so you can't do anything until this child is born anyway, right? So divorce isnt' imminent at this moment.
Also, you don't have to compete with OM; but you can still listen to her when you're around and keep your PMA. Certainly with kids between the two of you, there are opportunities to show her what she'll be missing. But competing, no way.
You will definitely want to know her plans for this child after its birth. Is she going to have a custody/CS arrangement drawn up? My W wanted me to raise her kid as my own. I refused to lie to that innocent child; but it certainly would've made life easier for a while. Anyway, I bring that up because once you see that child and hold that child; you might think differently. But if OM is adamant about being in the kid's life; then you have already set your boundary. At that point, my best suggestion is that all communication about the child come through your phone and through you. No contact between W and OM.
It takes a really strong man to deal with this and if you've been dealing with a mental condition previously anyway? Well, you've weathered a lot already!!
