My SO claims that the OM she's interested in is "just a friend" and that all they do is talk and hang out.
While many here have said that's BS and theres at least an EA going on...what can be done if she is actually telling the truth and at this stage they are "just friends"?
My SO and I no longer live together, and she has agreed to spend time with me, but is still planning on spending time with this OM as well and he's getting the benefit of the doubt where as I can do no right.
If he is "just a friend" for now, I cant really even set a boundary to tell her who her friends are...can I? To me that would seem controlling. You cant tell people who they can have as friends.
On the other hand, I would really like to cut this thing off before it does become more...especially physical.
But she's so hesistant to spend time with me without looking at everything I do with a suspicious eye. And the time she has spent with me so far has been as a family...meaning our daughter has been present. When I brought up the two of us spending time together she had a fit (said I was pushing, etc.).
While I know she spends time with him and our daughter (which still bothers me whether or not they're more than friends), I know she spends time with him without our daughter around as well.
Hi nsw, while I haven't read your entire old thread, it seems clear that your SO moved out so she can intensify things with OM.
How often do you see SO? Are you being distant? Stop persuing or trying to get her back right now...it sucks but temporarily do your own thing.
What goals are you setting for yourself?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Hi nsw, while I haven't read your entire old thread, it seems clear that your SO moved out so she can intensify things with OM.
How often do you see SO? Are you being distant? Stop persuing or trying to get her back right now...it sucks but temporarily do your own thing.
What goals are you setting for yourself?
Newmama,
I see her almost every day due to our visitation exchanges of our daughter. In the last week we've hung out a little to chitchat, and had family meals/events, though I got overly excited about them and essentially gave her cold feet. Being an extremely openly emotional person, I am horrible about hiding my feelings around her...happy or sad.
There were moments where it felt like old times when we were dating...and it seems when I felt that, she might have too, and ended up pulling back. That and the good feelings made me feel the need to pursue instead of playing it cool.
As far as being distant...I'm not trying hard enough. Last night and today were the first two days where I havent (so far) made unnecessary contact. There was a wake up call this morning but that was discussed beforehand as we were going to the gym this morning. Othersie I havent contacted her.
And I think you're right that she either left me to intensify the relationship or after the fact saw her leaving me as a golden opportunity to turn her friendship with this man (he's 41, she's 26) into more. I'm sure hwen she left, he was right there for her to cushon her emotionally.
I set a boundary with regards to her moving forward with the OM, though from others' input on here it was weak and may have doen no good.
I'm so confused still that I'm not sure what goals would be appropriate and which ones would be too lofty. I want her to come back by May...too lofty perhaps. I want a hug from her every now and then...again perhaps too lofty given how soon it still is and that she's not a touchy-feely person.
I guess one goal would be for her and I to spend one on one quality time having fun. We kind of did that at the gym today as our daughter was in the childcare center there. I know that if we could do more of that we would be on the right track. But it's hard to do that when me requesting it is pursuit, and she's comfortable to sit in a holding pattern.
I know that if she did less of that with the OM we would also be on the right track. But as I said, if they're just friends, I cant tell her who her friends should be...and to do so would not only push her away from me but push her closer to him.
If he is "just a friend" for now, I cant really even set a boundary to tell her who her friends are...can I? To me that would seem controlling. You cant tell people who they can have as friends.
No, you can't, but you're misunderstanding what boundaries are. Boundaries are about what YOU are willing to abide -- not about HER.
In this case, "I cannot remain married to a woman who would carry on an inappropriate relationship with another man" is your boundary. If she violates it, then you have to decide what you want to do. In ANY event, bringing him around your children is COMPLETELY unacceptable.
And if they ARE just friends? (not that I believe that for a minute, and I don't think you do either) -- then your boundary is "I will not remain married to a woman who would place a friendship above her husband." (if, in fact, that does bother you . . . if it doesn't, then let it go).
Where there's smoke, there's fire. In my experience, a wayward will always admit to one level LESS than what the truth is. In this case, "just friends" most likely equals "full-blown emotional affair."
While I wouldnt be happy about it, I could probably bounce back from my SO having an EA. I made some serious mistakes with my SO including neglecting her emotionally and that drove her away. It's a PA that I cant/wont accept.
I want to cut it off and turn things around between her and I before it becomes physical.
And I wanted to state that she and I were never married, we were engaged, living together, and have a duaghter, and were together overall for over 7.5 years. But our relationship was closer to a M than it was simple bf/gf. However...now that she's moved out, our situation is almost like a D.
And I did state a boundry to her that if she chose to move on with this OM, I would not continue to be friends with her and we would have no contact other than exchanges of our daughter and medical emergencies with her. Many here have said that's a weak boundary but since we arent M, it's the only boundary I feel I can set other than saying until she stops being interested in/seeing OM we'll have no contact.
As it stands now she's being friendly with me and has engaged me in family activities...no real one on one time. I'm thinking if I were to cut her off now with that alternative boundary, she would just see it as a chance to pursue the OM in peace.
Well, your plan of action if you find out she is with OM sounds good. Your goal of a timeline is not so good...YOU could decide what YOU want to do if she doesn't come back by May but a goal of getting her back by then will just disappoint you (they have their own timeline you know!!) However, having fun or showing her that you are capable of having fun isn't a bad idea! But I am not reconciled so you need to take my opinions with a grain of salt. I just have read and read and observed others so far. No matter what, don't be so eager to earn her affection. You can show a fun side but still GAL and do 180s! I know personally that detaching is hard when you share a child and see her all the time. I have not detached. So what about self improvement...what do you need to work on that will help you be a happier person?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
So what about self improvement...what do you need to work on that will help you be a happier person?
One thing I wouldnt mind is having friends. Since I've been with my SO, she became my life (and then our daughter after she was born) which makes this situation even more unbearable. Unfortunately I'm a fairly shy person and I have trouble trusting people for fear I'm gonna get hurt.
Unfortunately as well, when something like this happens, and the person you trust/feel most comfortable in the world with leaves you, it doesnt do a whole lot in the way of helping you to trust others.
And setting a timeline to have her back by could be disheartening. Someone else also suggested setting a timeline of when, if things dont seem to be happening, I just move on without her. In theory, that sounds doable...but when the day comes and goes and if no progress has been made...I'm not sure I could follow through.
This isnt just about reuniting with my SO...its about having my family together again...for good.
I know that my SO is so doubtful that I can/have changed...and she is so doubtful that if she comes back things wont go back to the way they were. With the OM in the picture, she's also a little doubtful that she would want to be with me again even if I do change. I want to be able to show her that things will be different, but with her not living here, unless we can spend more time together and some of it be one on one time, I dont see how she will be able to see the changes.
Well, she will notice changes in other ways, like maybe people you know in common will tell her they saw you doing something. Or if some changes are appearance related or attitude related, she'll notice when you exchange your daughter!
As for friends, I was told about meetup.com awhile back and it has tons of different groups you could join for all kinds of hobbies. Check it out!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Well, she will notice changes in other ways, like maybe people you know in common will tell her they saw you doing something. Or if some changes are appearance related or attitude related, she'll notice when you exchange your daughter!
As for friends, I was told about meetup.com awhile back and it has tons of different groups you could join for all kinds of hobbies. Check it out!
She actually told me today that she knows I'm trying. But I have a feeling I still have my work cut out for me.
Thanks for the website suggestion. I'll check it out.
See my other "help I messed up bad" thread in newcomers for more details, but she told me last night that she's moving on with OM and that we're done....that if I had any chance I blew it.
It is so confusing given the way she was acting yesterday.
