How do I expose the affair

[mb28]

Need advice,

I have kept my emotions under control since last nights discovery of the A. H and OW still have no idea that I know. I’m still devastated; however I do feel a sense of calm now that I have no doubts. I felt like I was going crazy with wondering if H was having an affair or not.

After H went home he texted me “Are you home”, I didn’t reply. Then he tried to call me, again I didn’t answer. Then he called our daughter and asked where I was. Of course I told my daughter I was going to a make-up party.

I’m not sure how to expose my findings with H. I will see him tonight, and have been thinking about how to bring it up. I know I can’t control the whole conversation, but I do have some ideas of what I want to say. I plan on saying something like this. “So what did you do last night?” He’ll lie of course, my response will be, “You didn’t go work-out at the recreation center”, this is where I seen them in the parking lot. Not sure what his response will be, but I plan on saying “It looked like you were getting a good work-out in your truck with her”. Then sometime during this conversation I plan on telling him to tell the OW she has 48 hours to confess to her husband or I’m telling him.

I desperately need advice on if what I want to say is ok. Please anyone 2x4’s or anything else.
my sitch

[nikblondiew]

MB....my H too had an affair...but with my best friend of 10 years. It's painful, it's hard. I commend you for being able to hold it together and not lash out immediately.

I think asking him what he did last night...gives him an opportunity to come clean, if not then you can tell him what you saw. I agree 200% with the 48 hours or you'll be telling the OW husband.

Have you checked out your cell phone records at all?

[Tostada]

you are going to get a lot of advice on this topic in this forum.

Try to take a deep breath and keep it together. This is just the beginning of a long process. Its extrememly emotional at the beginning.

My W also had an affair. He will lie to you and try to convince you were seeing ghosts.

I'm not the best at giving advice, but I fully support confronting him that you know he's having an affair. Thus, you should do some more investigating, but not let him know how you figured it out or what you actually know. Exposing to OWH will help and I think he deserves to know anyways.

Hang tough and be patient and let the advice roll in on this, it will.

[nikblondiew]

I agree with Tostada.....the OW husband deserves to know and yes this will be a long road ahead for you as it is for so many of us.

[mb28]

Thank you everyone for the advice. I'm not feeling angry right now, which is weird. I think it is because deep down I knew this was happening for awhile, I just didn’t have any proof, which caused doubts. I felt like I was going crazy before last night, but after the initial shock wore off, I have a sense of calm right now. Not knowing was consuming my life, so some how now that I know, it’s released a lot of my anger and emotions.

The encounter tonight with my H is not a planned one. I have school tonight till 10:00, so he will be at my house with the kids. They will be fast asleep when I get home tonight and usually on Tuesday’s it’s a “Hi”, “Bye” conversation with my H with him leaving as soon as I get home.

I know that usually we should use the 48 hour rule, but it will be close to 35 hours from my discovery. I really do need to expose the A; however I do want to do it correctly. This is where I need everyone’s help. Should I really tell the OW’s H first? My thinking behind giving my H the warning of having OW tell her own H was to make them sweat and worry about what’s going to happen. I’m not sure if that is the right thing to do or not.

[Lotus]

The fastest way to stop it is to tell the OW's H. That way they both have problems at home to face. As long as you know, but her H doesn't, the affair goes on in secrecy. And you are helping to keep the secret.

[undrdg]

MB28
When my ex found out about me i was somewhat relieved and devastated and I do not mean that in a metaphorical sense either.
I have been on both ends of the spectrum. I was cheated on and found out and I cheated and got caught.

There is no easy way to do it. You do it and get it done. No matter how long you wait the pain will still be there in my experience.

The question is, and i am being brutally honest here, how much do you want your H to suffer when you do tell him? Because he either will suffer or he will be like any man and deny deny deny, lie some more, make you feel crazy, deny some more and deny it till he dies.

If it where me and it has been, I would seek to disjoint that affair as quickly as possible. I would start with the OW and confront her. But remember that she may not know about you. Maybe she does maybe she doesn't.

Don't back down and think it is your fault you were cheated on. I have trouble realizing what i did. I have no real excuse for what i did. I did not love anyone i was with. Maybe your H does. Maybe he doesn't. But those maybes won't go away till you confront him and or her.

I could be way off on this. I probably don't have any right to say this to you or anyone. But i thought i would offer the perspective from the other side.

Good luck. If you have the capacity to forgive, that will hurt him even more. The guilt you feel from that is unmeasurable.

[Allen A]

I honeslty would'nt GIVE the OW a 48 hour warning. That gives her 48 hours to delete her emails, texts, phone bills, etc and she can deny it and so can your H.

I would contact the OW H immediately and BEFORE you tell your H you know.

If you don't have any hard evidence other than your own witness testimony they can both deny it and its the OW word against yours...

They could make you out to look like a paranoid wife and laugh it off...

You need EVIDENCE and don't give them any warning... You will likely regret that

Your best ally in this battle is the OW H and if you don't tell HIM asap he isnt' going to trust you or want to work with you... he WILL believe his wife befroe you most likley.. Unless you have hard evidence.

I would team up with the H to collect evidence asap. If he doens't believe you tell him to collect the evidence himself but not to confront her because then she can clean up her tracks...

WHy would you WARN them? It's just giong to make it all the harder for you later on.

I know you think he isn't going to lie, but he already has lied to you.... He may very well deny the whole thing... affairs are VERY addictive.. make sure you have PROOF before you confront him...

[chatterbug]

Wanna know what to do.

1. Secure your finances. Make sure you have enough money to cover yourself the next short while.
2. Pack his over night bag.
3. When he comes home you expose the affair to him. You tell him that it ends now you will not have a 3rd party in your marriage. If he hesitates or lies or asks for proof. You bring out his over night bag and you open the front door and you place it there and you tell him to go be with his affair as your marriage is over. You do not tell him how you know, or what you are going to do. He gets to make a choice right there and then.
4. Then you walk away.
5. You then call the doctor and book your std tests and you go get some sleeping pills and anti-depressions if you need it.
6. You wait one day.
7. You call the OMW and expose
8. You call yours and his parents and expose
9. You call your best friend of the marriage who will put pressure on him and you expose.
10. If its work affair you expose to HR.
11. You do not back down or offer any excuses for your actions.
12. Do not back down, Do not accept blame. He is the one who has stepped out of the marriage. You are protecting yourself and your marriage. Your actions are right. His actions are wrong.
13. Stay civil. Do not get angry. Express your thoughts through actions.

You are deploying the stick of Plan A.
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.



IF HE SAYS HE WILL STOP.

HERE IS WHAT YOU TELL HIM.

No contact with OP. 100% Tranparancy. NC Letter. And that you need time to think if you want to continue the marriage. If he wants to continue the marriage he will show you via his actions.

THEN

You contact OP'W and tell her.

[chatterbug]

I forgot your H has already left to find himself

So you can skip step 2 or place his shoes out there and tell him to look in his shoes the next time he wants to find himself.