I am tired of being met with indifference..I am tired of h having a cell phone (actually 2 one that he keeps in the truck that calls can be erased from) that is full of calls that are undefined...with many many many incomming and outgoing calls and messages..(not all work related) and his employees # are programmed (most of them anyway) and they use the nextel two way. an office phone to make and recieve calls from...and a beeper to boot. I am tired of not knowing the whats and whys....inorder for this to not happen again I should know why and all I get is fantasy land bullshit that I myself am actually starting to believe...
I am tired of waiting and wondering...so don't you may say...well if I don't and just act as if and go about my business...I will be living with a man who's life I am not really a part of..who's life I know little of...
he goes here and there of to this appointment and that appointment...a job here a job there...I don't know what it is he does all day....and never will..h wants to just live his life and keep things private..and doesn't seem to care what I do..or where I go or with whom.
I don't know if I even want to be with him...he sure is showing me that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me...it seems to me that h has come home for the kids and the kids alone..h knows that he has to make an attempt at having a r with me and fix things...but it seems h doesn't know how..and is not very willing to talk about it..or seek the outside help of a c... h has reached the point now where if I try to talk about things h is either defensive or just walks away not talking to me... I am not raising my voice and getting angry I am trying to talk and talk calmly and I find myself asking him to not get angry and yell at me.
I do not have the strength or patience to deal with this man..it seems to me that he is just waiting for me to tell him to leave...each argument (wich should only be a discussion) ends up with some reference to my being better of when he wasn't here...that he'll just pack his bags and go...ya ok and then when you are trying to console me you tell me your here cause you want to be here and that your not going anywhere you know this is hard and you'll take it that you did wrong and have a black mark on your record that you'll have to live with forever...
I am truly tired of this....I wasn't happy before all this happend...I wasn't happy when it happend a year ago...I wasn't happy when he left and I am not happy now. h was content before and is content now....this is not a good marriage and I am not so sure I wouldn't walk out myself if I could. I should not have to put up with this indesision from my h...sure I could find someone out there who is interesting and wants to talk to me and can relate better to me who can be my friend fall in love and live happily ever after with them...but I married this man..had a family with this man and I would never consider leaving for some crush...I am not a teenager and I think all these people off having affairs and thinking they are in love and have found the one that they missed need to grow up and start thinking with the right part of their brains.
I will end up pushing h out the door....h is not strong enough to work on this marriage and his desire to do so is dwindling...he wasn't there for me..had an affair...left me...and now I am supposed to just put it all in the past...just move on and be happy that he has come back...accept the fact that he will make it up to me in his own time frame???? what is this crap???
ok the man is strange....he has not the words for me...he (at times) walks about with great indifference...when I let him know I do not like this ...his attitude angers me more...his attitude is to continue to walk about and not say anything at all.....as I still wonder what the hell is going on...h goes outside to take care of the trash...then comes in and asks for my keys??? why???? he's taking it down to the car wash to vacuum it and clean it for me...what is wrong with this picture???
why does this man not have words for me...you can be sure that he was not taking care of ow's car or trash or things like that...I am supposed to believe that their r was not physcial as ours seems very very much to be...when there are no words there is a hug...
I suppose I am more jeolous of an ea than I would be of a pa...I want the emotional, connection, friendship, etc...that he had with her...perhaps I have better than her because I have a mixture of it all...and she only had the friend aspect (supposedly)
Hello LL, I see you are venting again. I can see your frustration. Look - I understand completely. But, sit back and take a look at your sitch... your M didn't get into this mess overnight - and it won't be fixed overnight either.
I truly wish that my W was giving me just a fraction of the time and assurance that your H is trying to give you. I hope and pray that she will say something - anything to show that she wants to and is trying to come back home.
LL - please try to be patient. Please try to hold on for a while longer. You've come so far. Vent here all you want... but try not to lose it with your H. A lot of what he has said and done has been so positive. I really think this could work... you've just got to find a way to sit back calmly and let him work his way back. He probably just has to find the right way to do it. Give him time.
LL, I think he has to find his own way. Give him space, and keep being patient. You've come so far already. You can do this! Hang in there, and don't try to change him. You know you can't do that. He just needs time to come around. You're doing fine.
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
LL, I feel for you right now and your feelings..your h doen't sound like he is really ready to committ 100% to the m. Oh some days it seems he is, but from what I am seeing here on the board, the real piecing is just beginning for both of you. Think of all you have both been through, it won't get fixed, healed, forgiven in a few short weeks, months. Keep the faith that you are going to be able to handle anything that comes your way. Look at your success this far..Keep doing things that are fun for you. Sue
How goes it? Sorry I haven't posted on your thread for a while. Did you guys get snow at all today?
Sounds like you have had lots of frustrations. I thought it is just natural given your H has not committed 100%. But it is really a process, and it takes time.
Rember mem are from Mars? Your H is a Martan who sometimes needs to retreat to his cave to reflect and think about problems. I bet that is the indifference you are feeling. Please don't push him or wait for him by the cave at this point. You can earn lots of points now and show your changes by being understanding and supportive to his long road home. Your actions will speak louder than your words in showing that you are the right woman for him.
As for the phone bills, I guess I was always advised not to snoop. You will drive yourself crazy by keep snooping and thinking of his being with OW, while your H is trying to come home. Snooping will just induce the actions of yours that would drive him away. You said you have made so much changes for the better; this is the opportunity to demonstrate it. Don't lose them at those last moments, since it is one of the hardest.
You are doing well and you have come a long way, LL. I know it is hard and this is a great place to share your frustration. We hear you, but your patience and understanding will prevail and bring your loved one home.
Hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend. Look forward to seeing you guys next week.
well this is a man who seems to do all the right things....took my car yesterday to clean it..and clean it he did...could not have paid someone to do a better job...took son with him to pick up a check from a customer and to the hardware store to get replacement bulbs for the microwave (the lights that shine down onto the stove) and to get a tree...he also got a wreath for the door and two arraingments for whereever...
today he is going to watch football with his buddie...he seems to be attached at the hip with his buddie...yes i am a bit jealous of their friendship...but better to have him have a male friend to talk to all day and meet for lunch than no-one or ow...
so h is not being a total romantic...so he hasn't asked me about my ring...but then again he never asked me to take it off...I did that myself...so there is a possibility he's letting me decide when i want to put it back on..
h is helping out more with the kids...(sometimes I get an extra 20min of sleep while he gets up with dd and that never happend before all this mess)
is he 100% here with me...well he does seem to be making his way home..i just have to wait a bit.
here is where h wants to be...things have happend and h wants to make up for it...i just have to be open to letting him do so.
h's 180's helps more with the kids... helps more with care of house (the inside, he's always done a great job outside) even just this am..I walked into the main floor bathroom adn it stunk of pee (son is three aim is off ya know) so h not 5 min later is in there cleaning the bowl and putting the rugs in the laundry. h helped bring down christmas decorations from the attic and get them situated. h has more conversations (phone) while in the house, he used to sit in his truck. h is affectionate h talks more, telling me bits and peices of his day (not every day) h sounds happy when I call (used to sound like I was bothering him, now even if I am he will kindly say "can I call you back in a few I'm in the middle of xyz") h is more physical (major 180...been complaining about that for years long before ow...before we were even married actually) h is more considerate of me needing time and space of my own...by helping out with the kids...
so this is a man who is trying.... I try to look at the ow as alchohol....it's gonna take a while...but I don't think h is going anywhere....as long as I keep my mouth shut...
I don't know if this will help or not but one thing that my H has said to be it that I never let him love me "his way". He has told me to let him come back to me his way and on his time.
I know that we have a picture in our head of how we want to be treated/loved but we have to respect and accept that this may not be the same way that our H will treat and love us. They have their own way of showing their love and by your list of your H 180's that looks like exactly what he is doing, loving you. I am happy for you that you have this chance with your H to rebuild your R. Things will not happen over night. I think that with everything that you do it is two steps back and one step forward. When everything is too comfortable in a relationship it is not growing, your R is growing LL.
Tina
M 14 years, tog 20. 3 kids D-13, S-11, S-9. Bomb dropped June 1/02, sep Aug 11, living with OW since Oct/02.
