me: 28 yrs with long-term mild depression, severe depression since separation waw: 23 yrs with borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder son: 8 yrs, from previous relationship, lives with his mom (no doubt by the Grace of God to keep him from this situation) daughter: 5 yrs stepdaughter: 2 yrs, lives with her bio dad since the separation daughter: 1 yr relationship: together 6 years with a breakup 3 years ago, married July 08
My wife had a talk about our financial situation and decided it was best for me to attend school. We would both need to work full-time in order to support the children while I attended school. In my last semester our daughter was hospitalized with flu-like symptoms, which turned out to be an infected head injury. Social services became involved, first blaming us until interviews with us and our daughter turned up nothing. They shifted to accuse us of neglect - either we knew when and how the injury happend and neglected to take her to the hospital before it got infected, or we didn't know how the injury happened through neglecting her at the time it did happen. It took 4 months for the truth to come out that she had been hit in the back of the head with a shoe by a girl in her head start class. She told the teacher who did not tell us. She was hospitalized for a week and long story short I lost my job and had to withdraw from school to care for her. By the time the truth came out about how the incident happened the kids had already been removed from our house and placed with my parents. After the kids were taken it was a relationsihp based on selfishness on both our parts because we were each too wrapped up in our own emotions to care for the other properly. A combination of my depression and wanting to do everything "tomorrow" and her BPD putting thoughts in her head it was because I didn't care led to her deciding on a separation. She found a new boyfriend who treats her the way she wants to be treated, but her world has to revolve around him or he is not happy. She rarely sees the children anymore even though she lives only 3 blocks from our house. She only calls me when she wants something. We were supposed to have our "big talk" back in November when they broke up for a month, but that never happened. She still to this day says we'll have the talk "later" and I've all but given up on this happening. It does seem to me that she is more responsive the less I talk to her, but I don't understand how I'm supposed to tell her what she's been missing out on the last few months. I've been told to make myself the best person I can for myself, which I feel I have done, but if she isn't there to see it there is no hope for that helping out the marriage. The main thing I need her to know is if she were to come back there would be 1 main condition - I can't be her "backup plan". I've told her that before but I haven't been very specific. I would like her to leave him for me or at least express interest in me before their relationship goes downhill (assuming it does), and also that if she loses her rights to the kids (that is a possibility with the way the social services case is going right now) I will not be her road back to the kids. I need to know that she wants me for me and not because it didn't work with someone else or it's the only way she can be with the kids. So.... any advice would be appreciated, thanks for reading and I hope this helps some of the other newcomers.
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
Welcome to the best place to be during this emotionally chaotic time.
I'm glad to hear that your daughter recovered from the infection and that the truth came out about her injury.
It's interesting that you placed the mental health issues first. Undiagnosed, untreated depression, personality disorders, bipolar can put individuals in a bad place when it comes to making good decisions.
Is your depression being treated? How and with what? Ideally you'd have a psychotherapist who collaborates closely with a psychiatrist to manage the medication and signs/symptoms of the depression. You also need to be an active participant by getting out of your head, exercising.. just doing.
You have no control over your separated spouse. But you can choose your boundaries. And learning boundaries starts with one simple step. Identifying behavior that hurts you.
My rule of thumb..
If it's right, do it. If it's wrong, don't. If you can't decide or waffle, don't.
There's no need to fall on a sword, put yourself at risk during this time. Keep it simple. Focus on becoming healthy. Step by step.
Making a direct statement, defining a deal breaker, can be intimidating if you fear the loss of something you value. Actually, it's the best thing you can do.
Imagine water pouring out, spreading out, going where it will. It helps in the short term wherever it touches but its results are sporadic. That's life without boundaries.
Imagine the same water running into a reservoir, filling it up. Opportunities abound for swimming, fishing, drinking water, etc. The water may not be able to meander wherever it wants, but it's whole and contained.
Boundaries are the dams, the dikes that help fill the reserves and keep them whole.
Work on you. Work with a strong counselor. Be grounded. Learn to make direct statements. Learn to be healthy in mind body and spirit. The rest will follow.
It's the best gift you can give yourself.. and your children.
Hi Gypsy, thanks for the quick response and support. Unfortunately not enough is being done about my depression. I work a job with no insurance & can't afford insurance or treatment on my own. Our 5 year old was diagnosed with an adjustment disorder after her hospitalization and was appointed a counselor through social services. Her counselor works both with children and with family re-integration after separation. We did become familiar with her before the kids were taken and relied on her for help with our M and personal problems. My depression has not been officially diagnosed, but the counselor, my psych teacher, friends, & some family all agree. To me it's obvious. On the up-side I am getting better on my own, but obviously a long ways to go. Her suggestion is to talk to my family doctor and get on meds, but skip the counseling I can't afford. As my situation improves I question even getting on meds because I have never been on them before and don't know how I would react. I was told once that a big secret was to "get out of self" - do for others and you won't be thinking about your own problems. This worked for me for quite a while, but now my new friends have problems worse than mine so I tend to stay alone again. School started up just in time for me as I'm occupied most of the time and this helps keep me going, but the downside is I have little time with the kids. I am at school 8am to 3pm, then work 6pm to midnight. On days I go to school and work I only have 3 hours with the kids. I will have to find a way to tell her my needs, but won't chase her down for it. No matter what I will stick with it whether she's heard it or not.
Since she's been gone I did start dating a woman that I need to end it with already. We have been together almost 2 months (she claims 3 - Nov Dec Jan, but we started dating Dec 2 and knew eachother online for a week before) and she's already overstepping my boundaries quickly. When we first started dating I told her how I'd like to move out of state because I don't like the weather here. She told me she wouldn't go, I said we'll see what happens down the road because it's about a year from now I'm going to, then within 2 days she decided she would move with me wherever I go. A week after that she asked me if I'd like her to work or be a SAH mom for my kids. Due to health reasons she is unlikely able to carry a child full-term, and now it all makes perfect sense. More recently she has been worried about me leaving her for WAW and has been threatening self-destructiveness. She did see a doctor and got on meds, and as soon as they level her out a bit I'm going to break that R off.
When WAW learned about OW she got jealous. This worked to my advantage, but I jumped on my success too quickly and convinced WAW it was dating, not moving on. Among other things I told WAW that OW is too needy, lives too far away, had few common interests, and the sex life wasn't good. I did leave out the part about the SAH mom question and anything she said related to the kids to avoid what I'm sure would have turned into a physical fight. Since then me and WAW had a huge fight followed by on again/off again communication.
I'm going to start keeping track of events below and see how they develop down the road.
01-13-10 | phone - WAW asks for marriage license and for me to look for her birth certificate so she can get a driver's license, short conversation, no conflict
1-14-10 | text - WAW tried to rent movies on my video store account, angry that she has been removed "even though we're still married" and says "whatever I don't even care anymore" - I ask what the fact that we're still married means and do my best to not sound sarcastic and what she doesn't care about, no reply
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
I wrote this email trying to set some boundaries & would like to send it tonight. I'd like some advice before it goes out because words are touchy with her. She gets angry if I use large words because she thinks I'm talking down on her, so hopefully I don't sound too sarcastic or anything like that. I also don't want to sound too needy. Hopefully the 1st couple sentences sound more like an observation than a guilt trip. By "later" I mean the talk we were supposed to have in November about working on the R. I kept it as short as I think I possibly could, here it is:
I have waited 2 months for “later” and it doesn't seem to be that important to you. It's not worth what I've been going through. I am done being a convenience for you and I'm done with the double-standards. You want me to be a friend to you but I don't know when I'm allowed to call. Every time he's around when you're talking to me you have to be a complete bitch to me, idk if that's to impress him or what but I don't want any part in that. The other day you told me we're still married, and that's true, but it's losing its meaning fast. Either you want to be together or not, and while I can't get a straight answer from you I've seen enough to know what it is. If our being married has any meaning to you at all more than renting videos on the account in my name you need to tell me that, otherwise you need to get your own video account. If we are not together we can't share things like that anymore. By what I figure I owe you $120 on the phone bill so I'll pay your 1/2 of the car insurance which is $150, that's close enough to even for me if it is for you. It will be due again in July and then it's your responsibility. Even though I'm done waiting it's still not too late to work on our marriage, I'm just done committing to it until you give me a reason to. I have figured out at least 1 point where it will be too late to work out our marriage. If something happens in court and you lose custody of the kids I will not be your way back to them. After that there would be no way you could convince me you wanted a relationship at all.
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
As always I felt compelled to act quickly. Had I waited another 10 minutes I would have seen your reply, Gnosis. I don't see anything wrong with the message, and am not having second thoughts about what it said or sending it in the first place. We have been separated since August, and my current status of chasing and/or waiting are not working. She has no respect for my boundaries, but has huge walls that I'm not allowed into. I do need to take some control and let her know that I am doing it.
Quote:
Making a direct statement, defining a deal breaker, can be intimidating if you fear the loss of something you value. Actually, it's the best thing you can do.
I hope I did it right. I recieved a phone call within 3 minutes of sending it. She asked if I was trying to ruin her life, and of course I responded with a quick no. Before I got a chance to speak further she went on to yell at me about how OM is now pissed at her and it's all my fault. There was no mention about any of the content of the message. She then said she didn't want me anymore. This has been said, taken back, and said again too many times for it to have any meaning by this point. It's also very possible she put on a show for him, she does this regularly. I told her if that's the way it is I should have been told that already, the reason I had wanted to have that talk earlier. Right now the focus was on nothing more than OM being angry, she was angry that I made OM jealous... by that email ^... read above and see if that ^ would make you jealous if you were OM. I lol'd at immature jealousy but did not let on, stayed calm and stood my ground, and the conversation was over under a minute. I guess we'll see in the next few days if I really did screw up or if this will have an impact on things, but I do feel far more comfortable having said what I felt I needed to.
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
A timeline of the downward spiral (dates approxomate): 2/09 | D5 spends a week in the hospital with an injury, I lose my job and drop out of school to care for D5 (she was 4 at the time) 3/09 | kids are removed from our home by social services, W announces she wants D but is willing to wait for MC 5/09 | W starts multiple EA's, mostly over the internet, also tells people we're D already 6/1/09 | W has PA 1 night 7/7/09 | W and I have 3 way (she is into this and brought it on herself) then gets jealous, walks out, returns, starts a physical fight, I drive her to destination for sleeping and cooling off, she has PA and starts EA that lasts 2 or 3 weeks until she finds out she is OW to him 7/19/09 | our anniversary... she tests my loyalty through text message, I figure out it's a test, after earlier infidelity I get angry and respond with a fail on purpose... no happy anniversary is said, she calls me on it, I call her on it, nothing resolved 7/09 | she doesn't come home at night, I drive around town looking for her at 5am more than once, she "loses engagement ring" which ends up in a pawn shop by a "mistake from a friend" 7/29/09 | she gets intro message on myspace wall from new OM 8/1/09 | separation official but agree to date 8/3/09 | W and I sleep together for the last time, she moves in with OM 1 hour away, returns to town with him 1 month later 10/31/09 | W asks help to leave OM - "write me a love letter, he gets pissed when you do that" etc 11/4/09 | W finally broke it off with OM, says to me "we're probably not getting D, I just need to get some help (mental issues)" 11/20/09 | W diagnosed bipolar, put on seroquil, falls into deep depression for a few days and calls OM, gets angry he is taken and convinces him to leave his GF, W denies they are together 12/2/09 | I start dating for the 1st time since the separation 12/12/09 | W finds out about OW, flips out and tells me if I can date she can too, 5 min later she's fine with everything including OW 12/20/09 | my OW is waaay too needy, decide to break it off, she threatens suicide, I cave, she gets appointment to get on meds 1/5/09 | OW's dr appointment, gets on meds 1/14/09 | W throws a "we're still married" fit when trying to rent movies on my video account 1/16/09 | I start DBing for the 1st time and call her on the "we're still married" comment and tell her I am done waiting for the talk we're supposed to have "later"
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
Do you think you are going to be able to help her manage her Bipolar? Dealing with depression is hard, I'm told. Dealing with two problems at once seems harder. Were you depressed when you met her?
My depression has been mild most of the time. It's mostly career related. I work front desk at a hotel, have done that for about 4 years now, and before that it's been restaurant jobs. I'm not trying to put anyone down who works those type of jobs, but I'm 28 years old, it's time for a career. I'm very skilled with computers, have had my own computer business for 6 years now, but have not been able to make a living on it. I support my family off $15k per year, and my W makes less than I do working retail. I was supposed to graduate with an AAS in automation systems (computer programming + electronics) last May but due to our daughter's hospitalization I got so far behind in school work I couldn't catch up. I am back in school this semester and should graduate in May, allowing me to work a job I like and make enough money to support my family. I may have focused too much on the money situation, it's really more about the type of work. I consider computer programming fun, and even a hobby, and since many people who do nothing but complain about it get paid for it I'd like to as well. I don't need a paper to tell me I know how to do it, but apparently the people who write the checks for it do. End rant about jobs/money....
Back to the focus, managing W's and my mental problems - while mildly depressed I had no trouble dealing with her mood swings, despite the fact that she was untreated for them. She is now on meds and in IC. I have no idea how they are working for her because I don't talk to her. What pisses me off is we have been offered free MC through social services, and it feels like the clock is ticking away and we'll miss our chance. Like I said before, my depression was mild most of the time, but then worsened through my daughter's hospitalization, losing my job, dropping out of school, and the kids being removed from our home by social services. I've started to work on improving those situations, and the depression is now becoming more manageable without treatment. I made the decision 2 weeks ago to call my family doctor to try to get on meds but hadn't had the time. Last week I got time towards the end of the week, but had so much good news I decided to wait a bit. I had been charged with a DUI in October under some circumstances that I didn't feel fit the crime. Last week I found out the state's attorney decided to drop the charges completely. I was also elected president of my school's technology club. Now that I have something so negative removed from my life, and something so positive added, I feel so much better about myself. 3 days ago I did start taking St John's wort to see if that would help, I couldn't tell you if it's working or not. I haven't seen much of the signs of depression since taking it, but I'm not sure how much has to do with it or the fact that it coincides with all the good news. On top of all this I decided to GAL, and that's added to the success in managing depression as well. I am getting a little restless, would like to hear SOMETHING from her, but so far I'm holding on pretty well. Maybe someone can shed some light on this, but here's a list of all contact in roughly the last month:
Dec 17th: series of emails, me being needy, W saying she "hates the fact that she still loves me" (new addition to ILYBINILWY), in love with OM, when she left OM she felt empty even when drinking, when she left me drinking masked the pain, doesn't know what to do anymore - I responded with "logic" which has always gotten me in trouble. I pointed out how she masked her pain by going to another R, and was alone after him, and had she come back she may have not felt so empty.
Dec 19th: text message argument about my OW (double standard on what we're allowed, then she takes it back and says it's just cuz I didn't tell her, which is another double standard)
Jan 1st: short call, short text conversation, agree to talk later (same later that started in November)
Jan 7th: she calls me & keeps it short, then texts me, we talk legal matters (kids/social services)
Jan 9th: since my attorney is pretty good and hers sucks I share info from my attorney (mine sends copies of court reports before court, hers doesn't send them at all, this court report is basically social services saying she's sliding, also bashes OM publically - damage she caused not me) I also try reverse psychology saying I'm not good enough otherwise she'd be here, she counters, I decide that was dumb of me to say and drop it, we talk more about what social services is going to expect & I try to get her to meet so I can explain more in person, then decide not to because conversation will turn against OM making me the bad guy again.
Jan 12th: series of texts W: What is up? W: Cant talk to me now W: Cant talk to me now W: Cant talk to me now Me: Sorry I fell asleep at 7 & just woke up (around 1am) W: I can't talk now ttyl W: Don't respond back plz
Jan 14th: the video store argument - read above posts Jan 16th: the email setting boundaries - read above posts
The only phone call in my call log is Jan 16th incoming, right after the email, I'm still hoping that email was the right thing to do. I keep thinking that 8 days is a long time, but then again she can't avoid me forever, so we'll see how it goes.
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
Good to hear things are looking up in some areas. I can imagine that feeling like a better financial supporter would be important parts of depression. Patience and prayer, man. Time will heal many wounds - but they all have the opportunity to make us stronger or better if we let them. I hope the DUI will help you stay clear of the great depressant called alcohol and an accident that could really change your life...
