I haven't actively posted here since October. At that point I had decided I was done, and had taken steps to move on. Lots of people here helped me through some awful situations, and I am very grateful for that.
A little summary - after 10 years of marriage, W announced she wanted D in late July and filed in August. I discovered over time that she was conducting an EA, which I confronted her on, and she agreed to stop. We went to Retrouvaille in October. In mid-October, I presented to her evidence that I'd collected that she was still seeing OM. I told her I was done and she needed to move out of the house. The next day she admitted to me that it had become a PA. I made the decision to move on.
After this, I dated a woman for a time - which, if any of you remember the debates at the time - I've come to the conclusion that it's not a good idea. Don't do it.
The arguements between my W and I escalated, and because she refused to move out, I did, in early December. I've had my twin boys (9 yo) stay with me there, it's all fine. After this, I found that I could again get a good night's sleep, my emotional state improved, etc. It was a good step. That raw manic dispair is gone.
Have still have had some bad fights with W, but here's the deal. I took her to a New Year's party; we spent New Year's day together. She calls me because she misses me and is lonely. I'm over at the house, really, all the time. We went and saw a movie together yesterday. We're not just doing things as a family, we're doing things together.
And she observes moments where it "feels like us"...
We talked yesterday, with her key points being that things are easier as a couple, concerns over impact to the kids, financial concerns, etc. She's talking about delaying the finalization of the divorce, which currently would be Feb/March at the earliest. SHe's said she doesn't want to make promises, but she's clearly having second thoughs. I told her that I'm well past the point of hope, so she doesn't have to worry about promises. But, there we were, sort of talking about talking about it. So the idea we talked about is going to family therapy - first focus being on the boys.
I told her that any effort to put this back together was going to be a long road. She agreed that she wasn't sure it was possible. I don't know if I could trust or forgive her - I know she's still involved with OM. And she's absorbed her own hurts through this process. What I said to her is that, we should be completely blown apart by this point, but somehow we keep coming together. We actually tell each other now, occasionally, that we love each other.
She thinks the the relationship was unhealthy, and the more we talked about it, we agreed that we both have a lot of things to work on as individuals. We can list them out. We have some idea of what happened. Now it's a question of, are they addressable. Can both of us believe.
Not sure what I want now. Not even sure what options are available, really. Not sure if this a relationship I want, if we could ever get to a point where we would be happy vs. just maintaining. Not sure if I want to go through the pain of having to talk about all the crap of the past 6 months, to air it out in the open. For both of us. On the other hand, I can see myself trying again. But I don't think I could take it if she stays in "wait and see" mode.
Ok, I only have one thing to say. And it relates to this:
Quote:
I don't know if I could trust or forgive her - I know she's still involved with OM.
Why in the world would you consider getting involved with her again if she's still seeing OM. If it were me, OM HAS to be gone, done, over before I will consider working on the M.
Yes, that would be a condition. I would not consider it otherwise.
My problem is that she's lied about this before.
Then she has to agree to conditions that make it easy to verify that she no longer has contact.
Access to her email addresses and cellphone, you get to open the mobile bills so you can see if she's been calling/texting, etc.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Access to her emails... Cellphone bills etc. Although I agree 100% with those conditions, I take this opportunity to voice my thoughts about it.
We all here realise that she or any other WAS (incl my H) can have ten different accounts, unknown to us, different phone-numbers, call from work etc, right? These are gestures of commitement, and mean alot, but the bottom line is SOME amount of trust is required anyway from us.
In the end,we have to have SOME faith they dont have a master plan to cheat on us again or that they arent so damn insecure, immature, vulnerable and weak that will go back to their lover's arms in a second, that they also felt the hurt and learnt from this mess.
That quantum of trust/solace is what you are looking for in your heart to see if you can engage in the "piercing" process of piecing. That amount of faith I am missing and tortures me like crazy. The only thing that keeps me from quiting since the pressure is just too much for me is the thought that it would be completely stupid/irrational and very hurtful to our kids if he came back after 2 years only to cheat on me again especially now that I am not naive and innocent anymore and he is being watched.
Just my 2 cents. I wish your family good luck Bill. K
We all here realise that she or any other WAS (incl my H) can have ten different accounts, unknown to us, different phone-numbers, call from work etc, right? These are gestures of commitement, and mean alot, but the bottom line is SOME amount of trust is required anyway from us.
Agreed. There is no way to be 100% sure your spouse isn't continuing an affair (or having another one).
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I think this is something that we ALL would struggle with, a WAS coming back and the long road to whatever degree of recovery we can achieve that is genuine.
How do you begin to trust someone who has put you, your family and probably themselves through so much pain willingly ?
Having said that Bill, I gotta say I'd rather be in your position than where the rest of us are.
Good Luck
H: 44 W: 42 Married: 23 years Bomb: 16/07/2009 PA Confirmed: 16/01/2010 Over it & working on ME: Feb'ish 2010
After this, I dated a woman for a time - which, if any of you remember the debates at the time - I've come to the conclusion that it's not a good idea. Don't do it.
So you dated a woman for a time and you've come to the conclusion that it's not a good idea but you say your wife is having 2nd thoughts about the divorce now, she is showing some affection, wanting to spend time with you and questioning her relationship with the OM.
Listen Bill, you moved on and your wife finally started to see that you aren't going to wait forever but here's the catch, even though you say all of what you did say to your wife, actions are louder than words, you spend time with her, you tell each other you love each other, you talk about postponing the divorce, possibly even getting some counselling, etc.
BUT....
she is still seeing the OM.
You gave her a glimpse that you would move on if you had to and that got her worried because you removed yourself from the list of available options to her but you see you are still an option.
If she is with the OM, I wouldn't spend any time with her and in fact I would continue dating other women. If you were able to date one woman, find another and date. Date casually, it's called "hanging out", no relationship, no involvement, just meeting another person, learning about them, having some fun by going for dinner or drinks, or being an activity partner, etc.
You moving on instilled some fear of loss in your wife, before you did any dating I'm sure she wasn't as receptive as she is now, I'm sure she wasn't talking about counselling or postponing finalizing the divorce and she wasn't discussing the unfortunate side effects of a divorce: money, kids, different living arrangements, etc.
Continue to make yourself scarce, if she's still with OM all she is doing is talking, and TALK IS CHEAP.
