My response to the thread was letting her know how it feels on the other side of the coin. I fought treatment, I fought the meds, I fought my demons, I fought the pain and the hurt and the emotions all over the place and only with acceptence did I become whole again...Her H hasn't hit bottom...He hasn't begun to accept what is within him, what will be with him until the day he dies and only when he does will he be able to become himself again.
Thank you Serenity, Thank you for sharing your experience with this illness. Yes, he has not hit rock bottom yet. I hope he never does, I hope he understands one day that this illness will be with him for the rest of his life. And that in order to get better, he needs to learn to accept the diagnosis.
His mother replied to me in an email that when he was on meds he felt he had no personality. A "zombie", and that he hated it. I can only begin to understand how can that feel, but 'm sure if he would of continued consulting with his Dr they would of found the right "mix" of meds. I don't know if it was because of his age but he didn't have the patients to continue and stopped.
He was engaged once with someone who would cut herself and had what I believe is Borderline Personality Disorder. He told me stories of her sleeping in a closet next to a dresser. They were both in therapy and from what he said, he was making good progress and she didn't like it. He got home one day and she had cut her arms so deep they reached the bone. He called an ambulance and she was taken to the sphyc ward. He left to his parents house and checked into a wphyc ward too. I don't know if you would call that rock bottom.
But of course something kicked in him again and he checked out of the ward and left to california. That was a 3 day drive and he only had 300 dollars in his bank account. Of course he ran out of gas and money and had to be picked up by a friend.
A lot of people in the Bipolar community have suggested he has a mix of Borderline PErsonality Disorder and Bipolar. But only with him getting checked by a Dr will we ever know. Not sure if he even wants to face that possibiity.
Either way I would be here for him. Of course I would set some bounderies for my own well being. But I'm more than certain that if we find the right Dr with the right prescripton he will be ok. It is up to him.
Funny you should say some of the things you said - Here is what I posted back to Gardener this morning...
Originally Posted By: Serenity13
(((Gardener)))
Not a "dressing down" my friend (yes I saw that lol) -
Just an enlightment into how I see it looking through my eyes.
By me sharing my experience with the disease, I can also let others know that just because we carry this within, doesn't make us any different then you...
Now there are others who have it and use it as an excuse for bad behaviors...
I don't buy into that...
I have done some really crappy things when I was flying high on mania however the bottom line is I am responsible for my actions not my disease...
Regardless of how "off" my emotions are, at the end of the day, I have to hold some amount of accountability for whatever havoc my mania has caused.
Because I choose to go at it without meds, I screwed up...
I know that now...I know how bad I was and today I own that...
Today I take my meds, I watch what I eat, I am finally getting some amazing sleep thanks to a wonderful friend, I see my Dr. every 6 weeks and have my meds adjusted accordingly, I get out and get fresh air each and every day, I take care of myself emotionally as well as spiritually...
Am I cured?
No and I probably never will be able to live my life without some type of medication - The difference is now I accept it...
Even medicated, I still have very bad days at times...
I still think sometimes, everyone would be better off without me in their life, I still have days where I would rather "cut" myself then deal with anymore pain and when I do get that low, instead of doing it, I now look up, look within and keep moving forward.
(((Hugs)))
(((Hugs)))
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
I have done some really crappy things when I was flying high on mania however the bottom line is I am responsible for my actions not my disease...
Regardless of how "off" my emotions are, at the end of the day, I have to hold some amount of accountability for whatever havoc my mania has caused.
It's great that you were able to understand that you need to be responsible for the decisions you make. I guess my H doesn't feel that way. Like I said, I am not sure what goes through his head. But I find it hard to believe he can actually believe he can make other people responsible for his emotional state. I know I am not perfec, I've probably made a lot of mistakes. But I can not change myself completely to fit his needs.
One thing I just can not understand as much as I try is his rage against me. Why woud someone show so much hatred towards someone he said he loved so much?
My H would have the habit of drinking a lot of pain killers throught the day. Some people have suggested he was self medicating. Could this spark an episode?
I find it hard to believe he can actually believe he can make other people responsible for his emotional state.
This is actually what we do best...I was a master at blaming others for my shortcomings. Not matter how big or how small, it was always someone elses' fault.
Originally Posted By: columbianchick
Why woud someone show so much hatred towards someone he said he loved so much?
Because to him you are "safe" - Same as my H...
No matter what I knew I could count on him to take the brunt of my rage...
I knew he would be there and he would always forgive me...
My rage was a big factor in me getting help because it got to where I couldn't control it, I didn't see it coming and once it hit, I never knew who would be in my path at such time...
I was cutting more and more and no matter what, I just couldn't control it...
My last episode (about 8 months ago) was also my worst...
When I finally made my way to my Dr. she informed me I was about a week away from a complete mental breakdown - A psychotic break she called it - I was delusional and paranoid which I had never been before...
I was having panic attacks multiple times a day and felt like I was literally losing my mind...
That scared me to hear those words from her...
It also got through to me to accept what I have and to truly do something about it.
Originally Posted By: columbianchick
Some people have suggested he was self medicating.
I did this as well...
Not with the meds I should have taken but with others which would help me to escape the pain I felt...
I also self-injured when I couldn't control my surroundings, couldn't control my emotions or when my "boat" was rocked.
Originally Posted By: columbianchick
Could this spark an episode?
Yes...
There are a lot of triggers that can bring mania/depression on...
He may also already be in an episode and using the painkillers to ease the pain he is feeling...
Sleep is a huge factor in mania - I notice if I don't sleep well...I can see the changes begin to form...
How does he sleep? How is his diet? Does he get fresh air daily? Seasons changing can trigger an episode of mania or depression as well as stress, alcohol, drugs, caffeine, isolation, loneliness, people who emotionally drain you etc...
It is very important for him to be finely attuned into his feelings/emotions because by the time the obvious symptoms of mania/depression hit, it is then often to late to change the mood swings...
It takes a lot of practice and I still don't have it down...
I still get sucked up into the tidal wave of emotions however each day I learn a little bit more and each day I am getting a little bit better.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
No matter what I knew I could count on him to take the brunt of my rage...
I knew he would be there and he would always forgive me...
Yes I can see this clearly with a statement he said to me once. He told me "The reason I was most attracted to you was because you told me you would never leave me". Yes, he's right I would never leave him. I take my relationship seriously and I know there are ups and downs that we need to work through, but everything has a limit. I won't blame his illnes, but I do blame his lack of responsability. He will have ups and downs, we could work through those, but he needs to be putting as much effort as me. It's not a one way street. I won't be here to be mistreated or set aside when he has an episode. That's not a marriage, that's just a safety blanket and my feelings and needs are ignored.
Quote:
When I finally made my way to my Dr. she informed me I was about a week away from a complete mental breakdown - A psychotic break she called it - I was delusional and paranoid which I had never been before...
I was having panic attacks multiple times a day and felt like I was literally losing my mind...
That scared me to hear those words from her...
WOW, that must of been an eye opener for you. I can only imagine how scared you must of felt. It's not an easy thing to have to accept, but at least you took control over your situation and started getting help. Ignoring it would of just made it worst for you. Bipolar unfortunately has no cure but at least you can control it to some extenct.
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How does he sleep? How is his diet? Does he get fresh air daily? Seasons changing can trigger an episode of mania or depression as well as stress, alcohol, drugs, caffeine, isolation, loneliness, people who emotionally drain you etc...
He doesn't sleep very well, he goes to sleep late at night. He told me once I was keeping him up with my snoring . I felt bad and I told him I would sleep somewhere else a couple of nights a week so that we could both get some sleep. He became upset and told me that was an easy way out. We had tried several things in order to control it, but it didn't go so well. It made me uncomfortable to sleep in the same room with him because I would be waken up at 2 or 3AM to him enraged and slaming doors. So when I started sleeping downstairs he came down and told me he still kept waking up in the night.
Before we me he would eat really bad. Mostly fast foods and frozen dinners. But I like to cook so I would cook Colombian food . But since he's American I would also make things he liked, steamed vegtables, mashed potatoes, and grilled chicken or meat loaf. His mom is Italian so I would also make pasta.
He doesn't have hobbies, I tried getting him some golf clubs so that he could go with his friend. He didn't want them but thankfully his dad gave him the clubs for Christmas. I suggested him to go out with a friend to do guy stuff so that he could get out of the house and feel like he had a life. But he usually refused. I told him several times we needed to find things to do out of the house because it wasn't healthy. I wanted to go visit family or take the kids out somewhere but I could tell he wasn't so thrilled. He told me to get a hobbie, but when I began to search for one he left me. I felt like he didnt want me to leave the house. He told me to find things to do in the house instead of going out some where.
OMG if he doesn't drink two cups of expreso in teh morning he's not well. When he wakes up in the morning he can't even talk. He is distant and looks completely on edge. He makes his expressso and then he's able to talk and function. I can't understand how he can need so much caffeein in order to function.
He was in a lot of stress becuase of me. I had gotten two tickets and one of tehm I choose to go to court. I told him that I could do jail time to pay for the ticket. He got freaked out, but I explained "jail time" is like community service in the jail. You go in and do paperwork or clean and that is how you pay the fine. Kind of lke community service. But I am not in the streets, I'm in the jail. He was really freakedout. So I told him that I would just pay it when the time come.
All of his family is in another state. He left his family and came out here because he was running away, like he usually does, from the problems at home. His parents were going through a divorce so he just left. can tell he misses them but doesnt wnt to visit them. The reason they started talking again was because of me. I told him that family is family and that he should keep in contact. He has a lot of issues with his mom. He alwasy mistreated her and yelled at her as a kid. He would call her names and insult her in public. He never apologized fo rit. In fact, he says she provoqued him. My mom didn't like that at all. My mom told me "If a man doesnt respect the mother he won't respect the wife. The mother is the symbol of woman, if he hates the symbol, he will hate them all". She also said "He will end up treating you like he treats the mom". She was right.
Thanks so much, Serenity, for telling how it has been for you in the past coping with the condition that is a part of our lives, but doesn't have to control them. You seem to be higher on the spectrum than I am, but it's still nice to feel like I'm not alone and not the only one who ever messed up.
(((columbianchick)))
Quote:
He has a lot of issues with his mom. He alwasy mistreated her and yelled at her as a kid. He would call her names and insult her in public. He never apologized fo rit. In fact, he says she provoqued him. My mom didn't like that at all. My mom told me "If a man doesnt respect the mother he won't respect the wife. The mother is the symbol of woman, if he hates the symbol, he will hate them all". She also said "He will end up treating you like he treats the mom".
Dear god, I hope this isn't always true. My H hates his mother with a purple passion. (She's not precisely my favorite person either.) He never got nasty with her in public, but now they don't speak to each other - he was excommunicated from their family and church when he joined the Army - and he would cross the street not to walk past her on the sidewalk. He is doing some horrid stuff right now, but I don't think I could stay married to him if he went that far.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Undefeated I couldn't accept it when she said it to me. But after living with him, I felt sometimes he wasn't really talking to me. I don't know if that makes sense, but sometimes when he would argue with me that I was mean or angry all the time, his eyes were looking at me but they weren't talking to me. I think he has a lot of issues against his mom and some how I got the short stick.
He has A LOT of BPD traits so I am not sure if that's the reason he projects a lot of his negative emotions on to me. I have never been accussed of being mean or angry. As a matter of fact 90% of my ex's still look for me and want to know how I'm doing and if I'm single. They've always told me I was a great girlfriend and that there are a lt of girls that don't come close to how great I was. I don't want to sound like I'm into my self, I'm just sharing what I've been told. So when he says I'm angry, unpredictable, and mean it puzzles me.
I know he has a lot of issues he needs t deal with, and I'm hping he des. I miss him with all my heart, but it hurts so much that he's just erased me out of his life in two seconds flat.
I'm very glad I found this forum. MY WAW has been diagnosed BiPolar/BPD a while back had an affair two years ago, had a suicide attempt (saying I was 'guilting' her), lived with OM for a month or so, then came back a year ago, and just now left again saying she's "done" because she felt I could never get over the affair and we had a couple of big fights over the last year.
I'm new to DB and wish I'd read about this when we first got back together last year. I did almost everything wrong.
She went off her meds (trying St. John's Wort, DBT, meditation), still works w/ OM which occasionally would make me suspicious though I stopped snooping.
This latest eruption, walk-away, saying she's "done" talking about the Big D, came a day after she was planning our vacation??
A month after we bought a fancy new TV and had a great holiday.
If that doesn't strike everyone as 'bipolar' behavior. I just want to scream at her family WAKE UP!! She needs more help... this is crazy. I have been there every step for her and now SHE'S the one walking away?
Guh. So sad.
Eternal optimist
LBS (me):48 WAW:44 Married:11 T: 16 Separated: 02/10/10 Separated: one year first time, two years ago Sitch: http://bit.ly/baqySm
This site helps understand BPD, and it's root cause. Please log in, post your story, and you will be given reading material that will clear a lot of the confussion regarding BPD. This site is mainly for Borderline Personality Disorder. If you want to understand more about Bipolar, you can log into:
MDJunction.com
Pick Bipolar in the Family group so that you can post your story and get advice.
ColombianChick, thanks so much I have poured over that site and learned a LOT. I didn't learn how to communicate with my BPD WAW, and how to set boundaries. I was truly a rescuer and co-dependent to boot. I hope we both survive this as well as can be expected, but I feel my WAW will eventually regret her impulsive action, but I may not be there anymore. My friends tell me to RUN away, but I love her so much. I'll keep reading and listening.
Thanks so much!
Eternal optimist
LBS (me):48 WAW:44 Married:11 T: 16 Separated: 02/10/10 Separated: one year first time, two years ago Sitch: http://bit.ly/baqySm
. I felt bad and I told him I would sleep somewhere else a couple of nights a week so that we could both get some sleep. He became upset and told me that was an easy way out. We had tried several things in order to control it, but it didn't go so well. It made me uncomfortable to sleep in the same room with him because I would be waken up at 2 or 3AM to him enraged and slaming doors. So when I started sleeping downstairs he came down and told me he still kept waking up in the night.
. But since he's American I would also make things he liked, steamed vegtables, mashed potatoes, and grilled chicken or meat loaf. His mom is Italian so I would also make pasta.