He's obviously very unstable. But I think if he would get on medications again and if he begins DBT he will be ok. I know he's in pain and that hurts me greatly because I wish I could take that pain away. I have set bounderies to protect myself. We didn't talk at all since 1/7/10 until Sat 2/7/10 that he stopped by to get his stuff.
He sent me a text at 10:15AM to please leave the house by 10:30AM to make it easier for everyone. Obviously with kids that couldn't happen, it was too short of a notice. I told him I would start getting ready and could leave by 11. He said "ok, we will be there at 11 exactly". He got here and I was still here. Without me saying a word he came up to me and told me "I'm not here to talk to you, you shouldn't be here". I was confussed since I hadn't said a word and just replied "I'm not talking to you, you are". I asked him what he was going to take but he refused to talk to me. Just replied "what ever I bought". I said fine and left the house, I'm not about to stay there and let him be mean to me.
I got home later that night and he had left a lot of his stuff. I sent him a text telling me to please tell me in ADVANCE when he would stop by for the rest of his stuff. I thought it was weird he left so much since he had a big Uhaul. Weird.
I hadn't called him or texted him since the 7th when he left. I did not want him to be mean to me. I don't feel I deserve that. He knows he's Bi-Polar, I don't understand why he couldn't just be honest and told me the diagnosis was correct. This way I could of had a better idea what I had to do to be able to understand him and learned some key tools to make the relationship work. Instead he got mad at me for not understanding.
I decided to send him a short email. This is just to let him know I am here for him. Let me know what you think:
Hi (name),
When I saw you yesterday I got very worried because you had lost a lot of weight and looked very on edge. I've kept my distance as you've requested but after seeing you yesterday I really needed to share my thoughts with you today.
I understand you feel hurt and I'm sorry you feel this way. It's probably not easy having to deal with extreme emotions and not being able to calm them down. It's been a very difficult time for both of us. But I wanted to make sure you knew that no matter what I still love you, my love for you hasn't changed, I'm still here. Everyday I think about you and miss you with all my heart.
I don't expect a response. I just wanted to share my thoughts.
Colombian Chick
So I sent him that and basically left the ball on his court. I mentioned the extreme emotions because he had mentioned to me before that he felt a lot stronger emotions than I did. But at least if he's going through a mania phase he can remember that I sent it. He can't say that I left him.
I'm sorry that he is so volatile. I don't really remember being angry and lashing out, but each person's process is different. It is...counterproductive. You will never completely understand what is happening inside his mind, just as he will never know completely how much he is hurting you. It's just the way it is, and for him to resent that is illogical.
Try to let his temper roll off you; this is not about you. You are simply a convenient target. And don't let him bully you into feeling guilty or rearranging your life to suit his whims/moods/preferences. Being understanding only helps up to a point. There is no reason you should cater to him if he will not take responsibility. If he knows he is bipolar and he knows he needs medication to control it but chooses not to, he is responsible for the consequences.
I feel fantastic now. I am calm, clear-headed, emotionally stable. But that doesn't mean I'm "cured!" Counselors tell you as soon as you are diagnosed that bipolar disorder is a permanent condition that may or may not improve over time. With age your body's chemical balance tends to improve and some individuals can learn to control the situation without medication. But that needs to be carefully controlled and guided by an IC.
I don't want to shred your letter to pieces; you said what you felt. But I think there are some things you want to consider in the future.
Instead of "worried about you condition" you might say something like "I notice you've changed. I hope you are doing OK." This says that you are observant, but is less involved. These are his choices and he may not suck you into his self-destructive nonsense. If you "worry" about him (or any other emotionally involved response) it gives him the opportunity to attack and blame you. "Well it's your fault because you don't care enough. If you were really worried you'd help me and be nicer when I have a bad day."
Do not address how he is feeling, IMO. He will just tell himself you have no idea how he feels and how dare you make assumptions. Never use the words "I'm sorry" either. Even if you mean to sound sympathetic, he may take it as an apology, again allowing him to blame you. Not your fault; not your problem to fix. He knows the solution and he has to choose it.
Unfortunately, the rest of the message was not so good. In this respect typical DBing is probably a better course. He doesn't want to hear ILY or "I'm troubled too." He isn't listening and it will be likely to make him withdraw further.
I'm not sure his emotions are "stronger," but they are almost never under control. He'll tell himself whatever it takes to stay where he is. He is gaining something by not getting treated. Whether that is not having to face his bad choices or not feeling capable of coping with reality, or something else entirely he is deriving some sort of benefit (in his own mind). Please, try to let it go. It is in your own best interests to do what is healthy for you. Letting his sickness taint your life just makes the thing so much worse.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
The lashing out part confuses a lot of people who suffer from Bipolar. Most have suggested he has a mix of both Bipolar and BorderLine Personality Disorder (BPD). I read the description of BPD and it really does fit him a lot. But the mood swings he has are from someone with Bipolar.
You are right, I can not change my whole lifestyle to cater to his every whim. I am not a nurse, counselor, therapist, or sphy. I can't teach him ways to cope with this disorder and I am certainly not the cause. He knows he has it, he's been treated for it. I find it very irresonsible on his part for not getting his treatment.
I'm really happy for you! Yes bipolar will not be cured, but it will not take over your life either. You are doing your part to keep it under control which is the best you can do for you and your family. I'm sure you will handle it well!
Thank you on your input on the letter! I was trying to validate his emotions and show him that I understand him better. I know that I don't have the same experience as he, but at least I try to understand where he's coming from.
Yeah you are right on the sorry part. He might use to to say that I am sorry for making his life difficult :-( I know I haven't been perfect, I'm human and I will always need to learn new skills. But I think what's important is that the love and willingness is there. I'm just sad that he doesn't see it the same way.
I think he might like feeling the Mania phase, he did get institutionalied once so I am not sure why he won't get treated if he's gotten to that extent. Only he knows why he refuses treatment or even to aknowledge he has it. I guess it's easier for him to get up and run every single time he feels stress.
I happened to be reading over the boards and saw your thread...I read through it all however one statement caused me to log in (even though I am taking a self-imposed break lol).
Originally Posted By: columbianchick
Only he knows why he refuses treatment
I have bipolar, was diagnosed 20 years ago and have been off and on (more off - but now on) meds since then...
I can't speak for your H however I can tell you I refused treatment because it made me feel weak as a person and yes I was also institutionalized as well...
To be labeled as a bipolar person is almost like a death sentence...
To be told you may have to take mood altering drugs the rest of your life because you can't function as a "normal" human being is a horrible blow to anyone...
Once people know, basically you become the disease and cease to be a person...
Happy - She must be manic, Sad - She must be depressed, Angry - She must not be taking her meds correctly etc...
Every normal human emotion you have, we have it times a thousand...
It is a daily fight to not allow the disease to over take you...
It is there lurking at every turn and you never know when or which portion of it is going to hit you next...
Will it be mania? A happiness so high, I can't even form a complete sentence because my mind is racing...
Will it be depression? A sadness so suffocating, you feel the only way to lift it is to end it all...
Will it be anger? A rage so full of hate and coldness that the very littlest thing can set you off and turn even the calmest person into a certifiable lunatic.
Originally Posted By: columbianchick
I guess it's easier for him to get up and run every single time he feels stress.
Maybe it is easier for him to not include you/your family in the hell he is living within his own mind.
Not to say it is right because it isn't...
Even though I knew I had it, I wouldn't face it...
If I got to bad through the years, I would see my Dr., take my meds for a few months and then go right back off of them...
I thought I could control it on my own and your H may just be thinking the same thing.
(((Hugs)))
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Serenity13, thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and also for sharing your experience with this illness.
"To be labeled as a bipolar person is almost like a death sentence...
To be told you may have to take mood altering drugs the rest of your life because you can't function as a "normal" human being is a horrible blow to anyone..."
This statement touched my heart. I'm trully sorry you had to endure that pain, it must of not been easy for you. I can only imagine the pain you must of felt.
I can only guess what is going through his mind right now. At first he wanted us to take a six month break and now that it is completely over and that we don't have a future together. I don't know what to think or what to expect. It is very confussing.
To me he is the man I love and not an illness. I accept him how he is, the good and the bad. Because that's what makes him, him. He has an illness but the illness is not him. I would like nothing more than for him to seak treatment. For his own peace of mind.
I hope one day he tries to reach me, so that he can know he's not alone. I can be with him every step of the way.
Serenity, I will chime in (as always)[quote=Serenity13](((CC)))
I have bipolar, was diagnosed 20 years ago and have been off and on (more off - but now on) meds since then...Stay on meds. Obey your doctor.
I can't speak for your H however I can tell you I refused treatment because it made me feel weak as a person and yes I was also institutionalized as well..I would hope it would make you feel human:we are all persons; we are all weak: we all have our problems, in one form or another.
To be labeled as a bipolar person is almost like a death sentence...Not in this day and age. Maybe when it was misunderstood and labeled manic-depressive years ago, but not now. It is no more of a "label" than" clinical depression" or "OCD" To be told you may have to take mood altering drugs the rest of your life because you can't function as a "normal" human being is a horrible blow to anyone...Change the term mood-altering to heart-altering, to blood-sugar-altering, to thyroid-altering, to OCD-altering to agoraphobia-altering, to adrenal-altering, to hormonal-altering, etc., etc., etc. and there is no difference.No difference in perception. No difference in people's reactions or perceptions, No stigma! It is a chemical imbalance of unknown cause. Big deal.
Once people know, basically you become the disease and cease to be a person...I disagree. To ignorant people, maybe. Educate them.
Quite candidly and bluntly, my friend, I would see my doctor if I were you. Sure, you're going through the roller coaster like all of us, but sometimes my perceptions of your mood swings seem quite sudden and pronounced.. I am on Thyroid replacement, testosterone replacement, AD's and Neurotransmitter-enhancing amino acids. End/cumulative result? I cope better, respond better,live better.
Have your Bi-Polar re-evaluated,please. ((((HUGS SERENITY))))
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Gardener, I must respectfully disagree. I do appreciate your rational acceptance view of our chemical imbalance, but it isn't the common view. In many minds we are still lumped with schizophrenics and the criminally insane. And you're correct - it is a matter of ignorance. But it is hard to educate a mind that prefers the prejudice. There is still a stigma.
No matter how wonderfully our meds work, we still occasionally have uncontrollable emotions. It is a fact of life, frequently for women on their cycle (sorry for the TMI guys).
I encourage anyone who wants more information and possibly a means of spreading the information to check out this website:
You can buy a pin to show your support or just read up on the disorder. There is supposed to be a link dedicated to testimonials soon. A way to connect with others, both the bipolar and those living with someone who is.
Oh, and Serenity, question for you. Did you go off your meds with or without consulting you mental care professional? Sometimes, Gardener, we are asked to go off them to see if we have learned to cope without them or if the disorder has taken a turn for the better and our dosage can, at least, be reduced. This is especially true of types I and II which are mild and moderate bipolar conditions respectively. My IC has suggested that as I near 30 we consider trying it so I don't have
Quote:
To be told you may have to take mood altering drugs the rest of your life because you can't function as a "normal" human being is a horrible blow to anyone..."
It has been said that most of the most creative personalities in the world suffer from some sort of mental illness and that the two are possibly linked. Many people feel they have to choose between sanity and their "gift". LOL, that has nothing to do with the rest of this discussion, just an odd bit of random trivia. I have lots of those!
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
And since I dragged my wrong-headed, well-intentioned reply over to Serenity's thread, too, it is only fair that her "dressing down" of me - and our "conversation" of same - be dragged back over here as well.
So, here it is:
(((Serenity)))
Originally Posted By: Serenity13
((Gardener))) I know of which you speak... I read your reply to me yesterday and had to think about it for a bit... My reply to you is in love as well.I know.
I was a smidge put off at first then had a chance to really think about what you said...
There shouldn't be a stigma however there is...Having a mental issue always comes with a stigma and I am basing this on my life and others reactions to me...
When I was first diagnosed, my insurance company cancelled my insurance because of the meds I had to take...I had to go and have a special med alert bracelet made that said I was a recovering drug addict/No narcotics and I was on such and such medication...I was absolutely mortified to put that thing on my wrist...
My family/friends treated me different - It seems once the diagnose was made, once the label was out there, I ceased to be "Serenity" and became the disease...My moods were from that day forward defined by my bipolar...I could never be in a good mood or bad mood without someone asking me if I took my meds that day..I took great offense to that and still do to this day...To no longer being a person and being just a "headcase"
It took me many years to overcome that label...To be defined as a person and not a disease...To allow myself to feel my feelings without feeling guilty.
Thank you for sharing your experiences, bearing your soul and setting me straight about those experiences. You are one courageous woman.
I was wrongly (and cheerleadingly -no such word) trying to help with something about which I clearly know nothing. I was wrong to compare it with those other non-stigma maladies. And I wrongfully assumed the world had somehow become enlightened in regard to BPD.
My response to the thread was letting her know how it feels on the other side of the coin. I fought treatment, I fought the meds, I fought my demons, I fought the pain and the hurt and the emotions all over the place and only with acceptence did I become whole again...Her H hasn't hit bottom...He hasn't begun to accept what is within him, what will be with him until the day he dies and only when he does will he be able to become himself again.
Happy Valentine's Day And to you. Love,
Last edited by Gardener; 02/15/1006:07 AM.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Did you go off your meds with or without consulting you mental care professional?
I was bad and each time I went off, I went off on my own without consulting my Doc...
I would hit the bottom, go see my Doc, take my meds, hate my meds because I would gain weight or lose weight, a really high sex drive, no sex drive, emotionally trapped zombie moving through life yet not "feeling" anything, then I would feel much better, go off my meds, moods would be all over the map, mania would kick in and you know that is what every bipolar person is aiming for, then I would crash and burn and the horrific cycle would start all over again...
I did this for 20 years before I actually accepted that this would always be a part of me and I could start to live with it or continue to go against it...
I choose to live with it.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
