I am really trying here

[Hopingtomakeit]

My wife and I have been together for 4 years. We have been married for two. After reading Divorce Remedy, i have found i was doing alot of things wrong. I wasnt helping enough, i wasnt listing to her beg for me to get off the computer and the times that i showed i heard my wifes pleas where done half-assed and caused more tension. Our sex life has always been bad because i am 30 years old and suffer from ED. We have ignored it but clearly that has causes some high tension. We have two kids. Both from different parents and i would love to have another child with my wife. I have also been in a job where my wife brings in more money and takes care of the bills. Since, june my wife has been in and out of the hospital and i have been trying to be there for her.

About 3 months ago. She told me, that she wanted a divorce and i cried and it broke me. I assumed it was just the stress of the hospitals and the car breaking and then she told me she would try and work things out. I went back to my old ways thinking that it wasn't anything.

Last month, i massaged her on the bed and i got really horny but we had been having some sex issues with the ED. Plus well i had my brothers over for thanksgiving. It was then that i decided to just hold her and hug my wife. I felt love from my wife. Strong love and i realized that haven't felt that in god knows when.

It was then when i realized something was really wrong. I went in a panic. i think she is cheating all the time. She started texting this other man. I dont think she is cheating on me but i think she wants the attention he gives her. I don't know what to do. I have changed my ways and done a 180 because i don't want to lose my wife. She told me she doesn't love me any more. She find me unattractive and a bunch of horrible things. We discussed a trial separation and she agreed that may work.

but then she got sick again. I was following the system and planned on spending new years eve without her and trying a drastic measure as my last resort. However, i could do it and i spent the last 48 hours in the hospital. She told me that there is no one else she wanted there with her. She told me we could work on the marriage. However, she still hasn't told me she loved me. She also spent alot of time messaging this man and its killing me slowly.

Help me.. I dont know what to do.


Also, should i let her know what the book says? I am worried that she is the type to fight the odds and go against our marriage if i tell her to much.

[Hopingtomakeit]

Update

I went crazy again. She was texting him. She told me she wont do it again and she will let me work on the marriage. She feels nothing is going to change and we made a deal that we wont talk about the marriage for 1 month. Does anyone have any advise for me? I feel like im playing race the clock and my time in this marriage is running out.

[Super Girl]

Hopefully someone with better knowledge will show up, but off the top of my head I can say two things.

1. No, don't tell her about what you read.

2. She will text him again. Count on it.

[givingitmyall]

Hoping,

Sorry you find yourself here. It is a great place to get advice, support and to vent.

First, take a deep breath and get control of your emotions. It will be hard, but you cannot allow your emotions to drive your decision making.

DO NOT tell her about DR. That is for YOU. If you tell her, she will think what you are doing is merely a trick to get her to stay.

On the txtg other man (OM), that's gotta stop. I don't know if your W is/has cheated, but I would be highly suspicious of this OM she's txtg. If she wants to work on the M, you need to be assured she is not carrying on an inappropriate relationship with OM. Affairs can be physical affairs or emotional affairs. EA's will lead to PA's eventually.

Now, what proof do you have that she is having an inappropriate relationship? Do you have access to her cell phone bill? Can you check the numbers she's calling/txtg? Until you have solid proof, I would hold off on confronting her.

[Hopingtomakeit]

Sadly, she has seen the book. So, i guess there is no fixing that. W says, she doesn't want to work on it and she wants me to work out. However, she also says she does want to work on it but for selfish reasons that she doesn't want to be alone. This is her second marriage and she keeps telling me that she doesn't want me to suffer like she had to with her ex.

I dont have access to any of that. I belive its only emotional affairs. I belive she was just looking for someone and she found someone she use to date. She agreed that she cant work on this marriage and talk with him and has agreed to tell him that they can no longer speak.

I want my wife to be able to have a guy friend but not at the cost of our marrige.

So, the plan is 1 month. We dont talk about the marriage. i make the changes i need to make and we see where we are at in a month. I guess now i need a plan of action.

[givingitmyall]

Hoping,

Can't undo what's already done.

She needs to show you her cell phone records and cell phone at your request to prove she isn't talking to OM. Remember this, ALL CHEATERS LIE. If she isn't talking to OM, she should have no problem showing you this information.

I belive its only emotional affairs. I belive she was just looking for someone and she found someone she use to date.

DO NOT minimize this. Of all the men she could have talked with (does she have a brother or is her father still alive or what about a pastor/priest), she JUST HAPPENED to find one she used to DATE?!

And do not minimize that it's "only an EA." For a woman, an EA is a big deal. And it nearly always leads to a PA.

[Hopingtomakeit]

Update

Ok here is where i am now. The 1 month plan is on day 3. Day 1, was really horrible. She is so scared i was going to check her phone she changed the password 1/2 dozen times and then forgot it. This of coarse she blamed on me and then had to restore her iphone.

We both agreed we would try my changes for 1 month and see if she feels anything. I am not good at finding these signs Michelle tells me to look for. I am also struggling with not talking about the marriage even thought that's a rule. I keep discussing with her things that need to be done and things that need to be fixed around the house but i'm not sure that's the best way to go. I need help coming up with something to talk about and focus on. I also cant resist trying to hold her hand and touch her. These are things that i am told not to do in Michelle book. Most of the time i do it when she feels sick and i'm trying to comfort her. I really need some advise and help to get to month two and on the path to saving my marriage.

[pearlharbr]

What are specific complaints about you and the marriage? Were these the same before you discovered her affair? Which ones make sense to you to work on?

Make a list, start doing them. Now. Your goal is to make yourself the best person you can be because that is what's best for you. Do not go into this making changes in order to save the M. That will not work because your W will know that you are not sincere. You must do it for you.

Back off from her, do not pursue, do not initiate phone calls, conversation or touching. Use this time to focus on yourself.

Regarding her texting OM: that must stop. If she is afraid of you checking her phone that means she is hiding something. Bet your bottom dollar that they are still involved. Set your boundary and explain the consequences if she crosses it. Remember that you cannot control her actions but you can control your response to those actions.

[Hopingtomakeit]

Day 4: I am horrible at this divorce busting here. I am going against the book at every step of the way. So, i went out for a couple of hours. Give her space. I figure that would be a good thing but then when i got home something felt wrong. She went to the bathroom and took her phone. So, i dont know if im still paronid or what but i felt like maybe she was still texting OM.

SO, i laid in bed to catch my breath. She came in and laid next to me and asked me several times what was wrong. I kept tight lip. Finally, we did talk but it was about us and how i am going to change and her fear that its temporary. Her fear that she can never love me again and that i do all these things but there is nothing there. I told her, that i would accept the divorce if she wanted it. She said lets wait the 30 days. (is that good or bad experienced people? She then held my hand...im not sure who reached first but we held hands for a bit.

The next morning i did the most romantic thing. I think i have ever done.


I went to house of joes (a local coffee shop)
i bought her a muffin
house of joes is where we had our first date
I wrote a thank you card and gave her some flowers
I said in the card
"i dont know if this muffin will be good or bad. I have never had a muffin from house of joes. But much like our relationship. I am hoping for that the end result of you eating the muffin and our continued marrige will be good much like our first date

I then explained
That i have always been late
I was late to our first date
i was late to our wedding day
I have always been late and she has always been waiting for me to catch up I told her that i think im finally catching up
and i hope she is there when i get there

[Hopingtomakeit]

to answer pearl question

- When we first met. I was very independent. I have since changed and leaned on my wife more. This is unhealthy and not a good thing.

- I have never spent the quality time with her like i use to. I use to not care what we watched on TV together as long as we where together. In time, when she was watching stuff i didnt want to watch i would leave the room or get a book.

I have a question for anyone who can answer it. Maybe a WaW once things where starting to get better to you avoid it still? If you wanted to hug and kiss your husband would you make him suffer longer just to prove that this was serious and that you must work to fix it?