Feeling very much like this is a done deal.. I wanted to have otherwise but not looking very likely..
As a result, I have found myself being a bit passive aggressive around W at the home. I have made comments about her "boyfriend", much to her denial and thats about it.. Most conversations although very brief usually end up with her telling me she has to contact her lawyer; if the topic turns to her dislike, W will say she feels threatened and "does she want me for her to call the police".. Total threats and manipulation.
On the upside, my lawyer suggested that she move out; her lawyer surprisingly has as well, so the W is apartment hunting.
Finally W lawyer got the papers to court to be filed last Friday,,, after having been drawn up on 12/30.. even with the holidays, almost 6 weeks is pretty damn long. People in the know tell me it's probably because W had't paid her lawyer enough.. I agree, her funds are minimal..
Temporary Court hearing next thursday.. we'll see.. Her parents come into town several days after... parents want to speak with both of us....
My question for the Panel here,,, Her Father, (intelligent, common sense, whom I admire and trust)wants to sit down with both of us to talk.... I am confident about affair between the W and OM.. Would a good approach to take be to say "if W doesn't disclose/acknowledge the affair, there is nothing for me to discuss" and then just leave?
W is still in denial, My impression is that that W is holding out for the D at the end so she won't have to tell me/ disclose it..
She can just brush it under the rug and be done, without any admission from her..
FWIW: This D diet is fanatstic, down to 12% body fat!
DD
H50 W44 M17 yrs S15 D11 D10 Bomb 4/09 Trial separation/moved out 9/09 Moved back in 12/29/09
As crazy as this sounds I have come to the realization that some WAS really and truly believe (in their own twisted minds) that they do not feel like they are having an affair because in their own mind they decided their marriage will no longer be.
My H is very much the same way. The word "affair" sets him off in a terrible way and as sick as this sounds I think he has convinced himself he has NOT had an affair but rather started a new R since he decided our M was over.
I am not saying this is right, it is rather nuts and so very "out there" but I am starting to think when somebody (somebody = WAS) wants to convince themselves of something they can. The scary part is I think they actually start to believe it!
OMG, I think you hit the nail on the head... At one point after W's previous affair, she told me that she told the OM she knew her M was over,,thats how she could be with him.....
DD
H50 W44 M17 yrs S15 D11 D10 Bomb 4/09 Trial separation/moved out 9/09 Moved back in 12/29/09
I am starting to think when somebody (somebody = WAS) wants to convince themselves of something they can. The scary part is I think they actually start to believe it!
True THAT!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I couldn't agree more- last week OM and I shot some texts back and forth- I said I don't keep anything from my W.
OM said- "she's not really your W anymore, hasn't been for a while now."
OUCH...and I knew it too. I had told W she cannot believe she's married one day and believe she's single the next...the rest is history.
I feel for you DDogs- your W's father sounds like mine- seems like he would be a good ally to have. I don't know about the question you pose- I think Puppy would be a good person to weigh in on the subject- I think it sounds pretty good, so long as your exit is done correctly and as a confident gentleman.
CityGirl = very wise. The WAS has already compartmentalized the end of the R or M, so the OP is completely and totally acceptable in their own mind. Like my wife said once, "we are seperated, it is none of your business." Even though we are still in the same house and legally married, her point of turning it off was when she moved into the den. It sure seems like they will do all sorts of mental gymnastics to justify their "logic". They are lost, confused and very damaged and hurt.
My question for the Panel here,,, Her Father, (intelligent, common sense, whom I admire and trust)wants to sit down with both of us to talk.... I am confident about affair between the W and OM.. Would a good approach to take be to say "if W doesn't disclose/acknowledge the affair, there is nothing for me to discuss" and then just leave?
It's a great question, DDogs. I would listen to him quietly, and respectfully. Be "the calmest guy at the table," so to speak. When he is finished, let your wife speak. Be a gentleman. If she says something rude or disrespectful, though, CALL HER ON IT -- calmly. If she LIES, let it go, doing nothing more than shaking your head -- for now, just until it's your turn.
When it's your turn to talk, yes, I think you should say "Dad (or whatever you call him), I have great respect for you, and I still love your daughter. I don't want a divorce. But I can look you in the eye here tonite an tell you that I've been giving this my best effort, and I can't do this if she is going to be involved with someone else, and refuse to tell ANY of us the truth about it. It pains me to say that, but I have never lied to you, and I never will, and I wouldn't be saying such a thing if I didn't have ironclad proof. A marriage takes two, working hard at it, and this simply can't be done as long as there's a third person in the marriage. I have told her that I'm willing to do whatever it takes, including addressing my own issues, but ONLY after she removes this other man from the equation. I won't be disrespected in my own home. I hope you can respect that."
Oh, and if she starts with the "We're just friends" b.s., do the hand up/"Please stop it. We both know you're lying to me right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful to me and our marriage, but also to your father here" thing.
My question for the Panel here,,, Her Father, (intelligent, common sense, whom I admire and trust)wants to sit down with both of us to talk.... I am confident about affair between the W and OM.. Would a good approach to take be to say "if W doesn't disclose/acknowledge the affair, there is nothing for me to discuss" and then just leave?
It's a great question, DDogs. I would listen to him quietly, and respectfully. Be "the calmest guy at the table," so to speak. When he is finished, let your wife speak. Be a gentleman. If she says something rude or disrespectful, though, CALL HER ON IT -- calmly. If she LIES, let it go, doing nothing more than shaking your head -- for now, just until it's your turn.
When it's your turn to talk, yes, I think you should say "Dad (or whatever you call him), I have great respect for you, and I still love your daughter. I don't want a divorce. But I can look you in the eye here tonite an tell you that I've been giving this my best effort, and I can't do this if she is going to be involved with someone else, and refuse to tell ANY of us the truth about it. It pains me to say that, but I have never lied to you, and I never will, and I wouldn't be saying such a thing if I didn't have ironclad proof. A marriage takes two, working hard at it, and this simply can't be done as long as there's a third person in the marriage. I have told her that I'm willing to do whatever it takes, including addressing my own issues, but ONLY after she removes this other man from the equation. I won't be disrespected in my own home. I hope you can respect that."
And then let him talk.
Puppy
PDT..
WOW... Outstanding,, that is EXACTLY on the mark, powerful, factual, direct and sums up my feeling and emotions to the tee...
Thank you AGAIN, for your insight and input...DD
DD
H50 W44 M17 yrs S15 D11 D10 Bomb 4/09 Trial separation/moved out 9/09 Moved back in 12/29/09
