It's been a while (Was: German wife)

[PortlandDad]

It's been a while since I visited my friends here on the DB boards. Looking over the threads, I was a little discouraged to see only a few familiar names. I plan on catching up on folks' threads as time permits. I guess I am here mostly to journal about my current sitch and to rec-connect to some of the wonderful people that I had the good fortune to meet the last time I was here.

Anyway, my wife DID eventually come back from Germany. She sold her car and moved out of her apartment last August. We talked pretty intently before she was to come home and she assured me that she was coming home to work on our marriage. I told her that counseling was not optional, and she agreed. I also made sure that she knew that any contact with OM was a deal-breaker for me. She agreed and stated that it was over.

The month she came home was one of the best that we have had in the last two years. We did lots of family activities together, and I made sure that she felt like she was part of the family again. She had been worried that she would feel like an outsider having abandoned her family for some fantasy life. There were a few arguments here and there, but they were minor and I never let her go to bed angry at me. She also needed a car when she came home, and since she was already in debt up to her eyeballs, it fell to me to buy her a car. We were reconciling, so it didn't seem like a big deal to me. She wanted (and got!) a Cadillac SRX. For a while, everything seemed to be going nicely.

In late October, she started acting fidgety. She was getting angry at me and kids more and more often. Try as I might, I wasn't always able to smooth things over or diffuse her angry outbursts. I started "walking on eggshells" whenever we were alone for fear of provoking a tirade from her. It was clear that something (or someone) was still affecting her. I asked her one day if she was back in contact with OM: she denied that she was, but added that if she ever found out that I had any contact with him, that our marriage would be over.

In November, she announced that she was going back to Germany without any explanation. I told her that if she left that our marriage would also be over. She agreed and we filed for divorce two days before she boarded the plane for Germany the week before Thanksgiving. We didn't have our parenting classes completed prior to filing, so our waiver for the 90-day waiting period was denied and I was ordered to take the parenting classes. Even though the W is out of the country, she was also ordered to take an online parenting class. If all goes to plan, our divorce will be final in February: one week shy of our 19-year anniversary.

I found out after the fact that the entire time she was here and supposedly working on our marriage, she was SMSing, e-mailing, and talking to the OM (big surprise there!) When we would argue, she would tell our oldest son to call the OM and tell him that his parents were arguing and that she would call him later: she was playing us both!

Well, that is pretty much where we are at. I'm not trying to save my marriage any more. I'm just tired of the lies and deception that have come to characterize all of my wife's interactions with me. The real kicker is that the OM found out she was playing him and kicked her to the curb. Talk about Schadenfreude!

Well, I'm going to get re-acquainted with my old friends here, and check out some of the newer threads while I'm at it.

Merry Christmas!

[AFWAW]

Dude,
That sucks!!!! It sounds like you are doing ok though in spite of everything. So, the OM dumped her, huh, well, that's karma for you. Merry Christmas.

[Kimmie Lee]

I'm so sorry too.

I just can't understand how icky and cruel people can be to the ones who love them so much.

[smith18]

Hi PD -

It is actually good for closure that you gave her another chance. It leaves you with the knowlege that you gave it all you could to save the marriage. It also makes it easier to realize that your STBXW seems to be a bit of a loon.

So other than becoming a single guy soon, how are things going with you and the kids? Is work doing good?

Kerry

Go Blazers!
Go Ducks!
Go Beavers!

PS...

I hope you are not a "Jazz" fan still.

[givingitmyall]

I'm sorry PD. That's awful.

But, like Kerry said, you do have a sense of closure now and you know you did everything you could. You and your kids will be better off in the end than to be around a toxic person like your STBXW.

Make this holiday season the best you can for you and the kids. They will certainly need you right now.

[PortlandDad]

Thanks for the kind words folks. I definitely can say that I did everything to save my marriage. My mistake was thinking that she was coming home because she wanted to work on our marriage, instead of realizing that she was coming home because she broke, had no job, and the OM wasn't supporting her at all. Lordy you should have seen the look on her face when I told her that she wouldn't have unrestricted access to my bank account any more!

Hehe, a red and waving warning sign that I missed, unfortunately. The real downer is that this is the 2nd holiday season that her departure has torpedoed for my kids, for my S14 in particular. He is totally crushed by her abandonment.

You guys are right about needing to step up for my kids. I was Mr. Super Dad before my W came back in Aug, and I'm working hard to reclaim that title now. The depression and sadness that accompanied this latest separation was far less severe than what I felt the first time. Chalk it up to repetition and the fact that I now have both eyes fully open as to what she is doing.

KK: You are right; she is loony. I suppose I am a little loony as well because I fell for her lies from the very beginning: this was never a MLC, she never was trying to see if she could "make a life" for herself. It was an EA/PA from the first day. Amazing what a little hindsight is worth, eh?

Peace

[bluerain]

Hi PD, I just got home from a road trip, so Im afraid that I dont have much for you in the way of useful advice, but I did just want to say that Im sorry that things have ended up here.

Im sure that this was really tough for you, but you sound like you have come to a peace with it. When I am able to get my brain a little rested I will come back by to say hi.

While I wish the circumstances were a little different, its nice to see you again!

[PortlandDad]

Thanks for stopping by BR. It's good to hear from you, too.

I had a humorous encounter concerning the W yesterday. I got a call from an old neighbor that is a mutual friend. It seems that he received a receipt in the mail for a one-night stay at the Hilton in Munchen (Germany). It appears that someone used his name and address, but paid with their own credit card. He didn't know that the W had left again and thought that she could help translate the receipt, since he was worried about the possibility of identity theft. When I told him that she had left in November, he sorta went, "Ahhhhh...."

As a courtesy, I called the Hilton for him and verified that a man, claiming to be my neighbor, checked in for a single night. The clerk didn't know if he had company or not. Since the bill was paid, and the name on the card was not the same name as the check-in name (the clerk wouldn't tell me what the cardholder's name was, but I'm pretty sure it was the OM) I called my neighbor back and told him that it wasn't identity theft; it was just W trying to be sneaky and cover her tracks.

At this point I pretty much don't care anymore. She has mutated from the womand I loved into something else entirely. Lies, thievery, and betrayal have replaced all the good qualities that she used to have. I hope that she can redeem herself someday, but it won't happen during our marriage.

[bluerain]

Hi Pd, I hope that you had a fantastic Christmas!

[mlb1976]

Been a long time PD.

I gave up on saving mine a long time ago, started dating etc.
What happened after that was pretty strange, we lost someone we were both close to, and i was willed as a pall bearer so of course i went. We had a short reckoning, wore our rings and all. Then she proclaimed that she was moving back in with me, it was a real hard thing for me to tell her no, but man I endured, i got a life did a 180, i never once tried to use any tactics, only tried to better myself.

Ive helped her with a few bills, Still have my now 3 year old daughter.

She met another guy on some dating site, and has shied back away again, i told her that I am fine with it, we have a good relationship, and that i wished her the best. So onward and upward.

I had not checked DB in a long time, and this i am at about the time that i moved out last year, so it seemed fitting that i poke my head back in and just sort of check in.

I hope all is well, take care

MLB