Trying to keep hope alive

[TrentC]

This moring(Sat) he is supposed to bring the kids back at 12. Last week He wanted to keep them till 4 and i said ok. He texted me today and said "i'll bring them home at 4". I replied we have plans please bring them back at their normal time. Then all hell broke loose. texting back and forth until i finally called him. He gets all mad because he thinks that i am saying 12 because i am being mean. I explained we have plans and you can't tell me 2 hours before you bring them home your keeping them longer.

I know I'm letting a personal bias show, but I think people should not text back and forth when it comes to important discussions like this.

When he said he was bringing them back at 4, you should have called and spoke to him directly. You might have saved yourself an argument.

As for the 50/50 custody, that will likely vary by the state. But the impression I get is that most jurisdictions will start at 50/50 and work from there, unless they have a good reason not to do so (such as evidence of abuse by one parent).

[scared n alone]

You are totally right as far as just calling him. I do hate the texting thing....

As for the 50/50 custody, I don't know how he could swing it. He is gone soo much for music. ALso, he had an EA...will that play into it at all. '

On the other side...I found a card in the attic today in a box of pictures (i was doing a project for my D) It was an amazing card he wrote me in 03. It talked about how much he loved me and all of his dreams are coming true because of me. He can't wait to savor every minute of our future together and that he will always love me!

1 year later, he started doing music in college productions and then all hell broke loose in our relationship with his selfishness. It got really bad these past three years (EA) with what i think is a MLC. He stopped college 2 years ago after i found out about the EA and promised to never do them again.....In sept he started again. (the same month he started going to therapy secretly) I don't think this seperation (divorce papers) is a coincendence.

I will not give up. We have too much together and I know him deep down the person he truly is.

[Deep]

I was doing so well with the 180. Did it all get screwed up. I am so afraid to make him mad that he will NEVER come back. However, I don't want that person back anyway.

help!

That speaks volumes SNA. DBing, 180-ing, call it what you will, you can't just say or even just do it. You gotta live it. You HAVE to detach. You can still care for the M, want your spouse, much rather have things work out than not, but you gotta let go, accept it isn't just about you or your choices, and live your life accordingly.

Lots of posters have said the same in many threads - you can't be afraid of losing him or "making him mad". In fact, that fear will lead you down the path to losing him completely. And he has probably sensed as much even if you felt you had been doing so well on 180-ing. How can you project what you think you should be projecting when you yourself don't seem to believe it? What messages do you think he is getting?

I know it's difficult and you have a lot of fear and uncertainty eating at you. Go through the sitches in the other threads. Learn to better set up boundaries and enforce them.
Cheers.

[scared n alone]

Thanks Deep....I was looking at your signature and it is very much like mine.

We married in 98 and together since 91
There was an inital Bomb in Jan of 07...comfirmed EA then
I have a 9, 7, and 5 kids
I only wish my H would appear to be waking up!

Thanks for your support

[scared n alone]

Well, He picked up the kids today. He won't even come in the house. He knocks and goes to his car. My 5 year old didn't want to go today. Not because of daddy, but he had an argument with his older brother. Soo, he started driving away. I politely stopped him and told him he needed to take him with you. He responded he doesn't want to go. My five year old was throwing a huge tantrum. I told my husband he is five you you are his dad. Deal with it.

H got out of the car and put S in the car to go. I felt he should get them in the good and bad of times.

We communicated a bit today, but he DEF doesn't want to talk to me. What is he afraid of??? I think he is afraid that he still has those feelings that he is trying to suppress. I don't know.....I guess that is my hoping coming out!

AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

[scared n alone]

ok...he dropped them off tonight and my D said Daddy is taking us to a Christmas Party on Friday (his other Day). My immediate response was "where", but instead, I called him and asked if he would like them dressed up for Friday. Ok, I feel good

[soleil]

Glad you are feeling better.

What big plans do you have for yourself that night?

[scared n alone]

I have a question......

Do I give my WAH at least a card for christmas? It's not going to be easy on either of us being seperated....well, maybe easier on him. I don't know

I'm gonna wrap gifts and maybe paint the basement tonight.

[scared n alone]

well, i did get a lot done on Friday. Friday night, we were expecting a giant snow storm, so I told him that he could keep the kids until 4 on Sat. By 10am, my oldest was calling me wanting to come home and then the other two also. He brought them home at 12.

I continue to hold onto my faith and try to be patient. I do miss him being in our lives.

not to mention, my back is killing me from shoveling yesterday. LOL

[scared n alone]

I have been off for a while, but I have a question. I have been working daily on detachment. My head knows that's what I am doing, my heart is a little behind.

ok....heere is my question.....
H gets them on Tues and Fri (overnight). For the past 9 weeks, The schedule for the kids is I get them from school at 310 and he gets to my house at 340. He leaves work early on those days to get them even at 340. I also have a Kgn that gets out at 1115.

This week, he filed for custody, because as soon as I won't give him a random Sun he gets mad and so he filed. I want to tell him from now on, if those are his days, he will be responsible for getting the kids after school on those two days. Can I do that?

We had a conversation on the phone this past week and he spent 30 min telling me why he was so unhappy over the past 3 years. I wish he could have been such a good communicator then. He proceeded to tell me I was a horrible wife...alll i did was laundry, I was a looser without a job. (we have three kids!) I think he was trying to convince himself as much as me. He must have told me 5 times "I'm not coming home". It hurts. The holidays were awful.

What I dont understand is why does he look like crap when he is out? If this is so easy, why???

There is also been talk that people think he is gay. I can't say I don't believe it. he is SOOOOO selfish and cares SOOO much about how he looks. He maintains a beach body all year, wears fancy necklaces, ripped jeans, cowboy boots, tight tshirts. We did start dating at 16 so he didn't have an opportunity to experiment. Sex was OK, but it was all I knew. He was always mad that I would be more adventurous so maybe not. I don't know. I don't know if that would be harder or easier.