I was kind of blindsided today. If my memory serves me correctly (99% sure), today is my 16th wedding anniversary. We are still married in that we opted for a legal separation intending it so that she could remain on my health insurance until she got benefits of her own, and it made it easier to lie to the kids while telling the truth. Of course, I found out later that she is in fact not covered by insurance since she is not my legal spouse, but her benefits start in January, so it served.
One day while sitting at a burger place with the kids, my 6 yo asked if we were divorced. I told her no, then my 10 yo said that everyone at school says we are. So, I just said that you never know what's going to happen. A couple of weeks later, my oldest (13yo) as she was getting ready for bed started saying "I can't do this." Well, come to find out that she had asked her mom if we were getting divorced and my ex told her probably. Wow, how nice of her to clue me in on that little tidbit. In either case, I had a long talk with my oldest daughter and we talked through her fears of her relationship with her parents fading away etc.
I helped the ex lease the house she's in so that the kids would be close enough to walk to school by signing onto the lease as well. I was at her house for about 4 hours last night while the maintenance guys were there. She asked and I installed the window film. When her car battery died, who'd she call for a jump start? Me. These things engender a bit of conflict inside.
On the one hand, I really don't mind doing these things, I've been doing them for 19 years, yet, she's in a new relationship. On the other hand, having had ringside seats for 3 years as my good friend's ex-wife drug him back into court repeatedly, I'm anxious to avoid any similar drama. Then, on top of that, she lets the kids come over to her house after school even on the weeks that they are with me, and that is something.
So, do I really wish that we were still together? Some. Some of it's a regret at not being able to give to the kids the intact happy home that I wanted to. Some of it is the familiarity and years spent together. Some of it is remembering the good things about her. Yet, what about the not so great things. I've grown up to the point that I can look back with honest eyes and see that things were pretty messed up for a long time and even now, many of the old ways come to the fore when we interact.
I've gotten to where I'm glad to send the chaos somewhere else every other week, but at the same time, by the time bedtime rolls around and the kids aren't here, I'm missing them. Of course, I wonder if I'd be missing them as much if I had a new woman in my life and I'm afraid to look real hard at the answer.
Sigh.
Well, it's Friday. It's not quite as cold as it was yesterday. I've got a job that pays enough to live comfortably. The kids seem happy, and all of us are healthy. WTF more do you want ya selfish bastard?
Dan
P.S. - OK, that's a bit maudlin. I'm not saying that things were better before. They weren't, and I really REALLY like me now versus me then, but sometimes, sometimes, I sort of wish that I could go back a couple of years, sometimes.
Now, I'm going to take the kids out for dinner and you all have a great evening too.
