I, like all of us here, find myself in the position of wanting to save my marriage despite the fact my wife does not want to work on the marriage at this time. She has said "I am not in love with you", "There is no romantic connection for me", "I am not interested in romantic relationships now", "This marriage was a mistake". As I read here, I see alot of the same types of statements. The bomb was dropped about two months ago but we have been struggling all year. We still live togather, but in seperate rooms. Of course, there is no sex. Of course, there is an OM and an EA. (I am chosing to ignore this as it does not impact my intentions of rejuvinating, resurrecting, revitalizing, recreating myself and my marriage.)
Right now, she is writting a relationship history for us that puts all my actions/intentions in a bad light. This morning, as I was getting ready to pull out of the driveway to take our 2 year old to day care, I stopped and when in the house and said, "Do you want to say good bye to the baby because you won't see her all day." She works a long day on tuesday and I know this is difficult for her. She immediately latched onto the "because you won't see her all day" as me plying her with guilt. I was not. repeat, not laying on a guilt trip. She was visibly angry. I did not react. I later called to tell her that in retrospect, I should have chosen my words more carefully. She was dismissive of the appology, but I felt it was necessary to thwart her and perhaps get her to focus on my good intention behind nothing more than a thoughtful gesture. Was this a good play. Other than this, I have followed a rule of not initiating contact, rather waiting for her to call first, but more on this later. Anyway, I would appreciate some insight into how to break this script she is following. I would especially appreciate hearing from women.
I, like all of us here, find myself in the position of wanting to save my marriage despite the fact my wife does not want to work on the marriage at this time. She has said "I am not in love with you", "There is no romantic connection for me", "I am not interested in romantic relationships now", "This marriage was a mistake". As I read here, I see alot of the same types of statements. The bomb was dropped about two months ago but we have been struggling all year. We still live togather, but in seperate rooms. Of course, there is no sex. Of course, there is an OM and an EA. (I am chosing to ignore this as it does not impact my intentions of rejuvinating, resurrecting, revitalizing, recreating myself and my marriage.)
I hate to break it to you: you can work on yourself all you want, but you won't make any headway in rebuilding your marriage if your wife believes she's in love with someone else. That needs to be nipped in the bud sooner rather than later -- as in, right now.
Originally Posted By: Wonderful!
Right now, she is writting a relationship history for us that puts all my actions/intentions in a bad light. This morning, as I was getting ready to pull out of the driveway to take our 2 year old to day care, I stopped and when in the house and said, "Do you want to say good bye to the baby because you won't see her all day." She works a long day on tuesday and I know this is difficult for her. She immediately latched onto the "because you won't see her all day" as me plying her with guilt. I was not. repeat, not laying on a guilt trip. She was visibly angry. I did not react. I later called to tell her that in retrospect, I should have chosen my words more carefully. She was dismissive of the appology, but I felt it was necessary to thwart her and perhaps get her to focus on my good intention behind nothing more than a thoughtful gesture.
I hate to break it to you again, but she doesn't see it that way. She doesn't want to see anything positive about you or the relationship right now -- you've even said that she's literally rewriting the history of your marriage!
Originally Posted By: Wonderful!
Was this a good play.
No.
Originally Posted By: Wonderful!
Other than this, I have followed a rule of not initiating contact, rather waiting for her to call first, but more on this later.
Just FYI, that's kinda like saying that you don't drink anymore except for the occasional shot of whiskey...
Originally Posted By: Wonderful!
Anyway, I would appreciate some insight into how to break this script she is following. I would especially appreciate hearing from women.
Read The Divorce Remedy; that encompasses quite nicely pretty much all of the advice that we're going to give you.
1) No relationship talk from you. When she wants to discuss it for real, she'll let you know. 2) If she wants to bash you over the head about the R, validate her feelings without necessarily agreeing with anything. In your example above, a good response would have been "I can see how you would feel that way, but it was not my intention to make you feel guilty." Anything that you cannot easily validate or agree with should be replied to with "I'll have to think about that and get back to you." Never make any kind of decision on the spur of the moment. 3) Stop focusing on your relationship at all; work on improving your attitude and behavior. She's not interested in staying with someone who is unhappy, or clingy; you need to be a happy, confident person who she will want to be with.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I later called to tell her that in retrospect, I should have chosen my words more carefully. She was dismissive of the appology, but I felt it was necessary to thwart her and perhaps get her to focus on my good intention behind nothing more than a thoughtful gesture. Was this a good play.
No. It's supplicating, and it doesn't work. She perceives it as WEAKNESS, and it causes her to lose RESPECT for you, and since women tend to tie their feelings of love very closely with their feelings of respect, you can see your challenge.
Why did you apologize, when you didn't do anything wrong?
Anyway, I would appreciate some insight into how to break this script she is following. I would especially appreciate hearing from women.
Well, I'm not a woman, but you're never going to break the script until you break the affair.
As long as she is having an affair, she will follow the basic script. All you can really do is try to validate-without-agreeing, give her a wide berth, lay out (and enforce) a couple of basic boundaries (such as "no text-messaging OM in front of me," for example; or "no lying to my face") -- but that's about it.
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding.
The stick of Plan A
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Of course, there is an OM and an EA. (I am chosing to ignore this as it does not impact my intentions of rejuvinating, resurrecting, revitalizing, recreating myself and my marriage.)
The old ostrich play.
Ignoring the affair does impact your
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intentions of rejuvinating, resurrecting, revitalizing, recreating myself and my marriage.
Ignoring a predator to your family makes you look weak, small, unsure and scared to your wife. A woman doesn't want to be married to a man who won't fight for her and his family. DBing is counter-intuitive, the tuition here is very high.
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I would appreciate some insight into how to break this script she is following.
Read up on boundaries. Then have faith that we won't steer you wrong.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks. Well, yes, I have established firm boundries about the OM. Whether she honors those is entirely out of my control.
I think you are correct. I should not have apologized when I had done nothing wrong.
Initially, I made all the wrong moves. In the last week or so, in her presense I have maintained a confident, happy and composed front. I focus my attention on our children and myself. It really seemed to enrage her sunday night when I put earphones on while we were doing our sunday night cleaning routine. I have made great strides in backing off and not initiating contact for the most part. But I confess to the occassional relapse. But this too is a balancing act of being lovingly detached. I have stopped affection and ILYs. But if she does want to talk about something that is bothering her, unrelated to our relationship, I want to be there for her.
What are they and how did you say them? What are the consequences?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I guess I did not attach specific consequences to them. I simply stated that he should not come to our house when I am not home. (On the day he was there there were other people present.) She agreed. I left it at that. She has said in counseling that she does not have those kinds of feelings about the OM, but she is also very confused. It could re-emerge.
I feel the lines that I draw in this arena come from strength and confidence. I am not accepting this behavior, I am basically saying to her that you are going to do what you are going to do and I am going to handle it. If I am confrontational about it, then, I fall into the trap of being jealous and blowing it out of proportion. Taking the high road is much more honorable than pursuing a married woman. She will recognize this or she will not. I have said my peace on the issue to her and in counseling. It is up to her make a choice. In the meantime, I can present in a confidently and gracefully. Does this make sense?
