Well today was a big day. It was the first day since this has all started that I did not initiate contact whatsoever! I didn't email, text, call, nothing. For the first time in a few weeks I said goodbye to him when I left for work(pleasant), but that was it. He called to say goodnight to daughter, I let her answer and hang up when done. I am so proud of myself. It was hard, but I just dove into work. I went food shopping after work (one of my favorite things to do) with daughter! Cooked dinner and had my parents over for dessert. Tomorrow I have a friend coming over for dinner. I'm feeling much better today. I decided this morning just to take it one day at a time. And that's exactly what I'm doing!
Hi there...I am too going through this awful situation. I don't have any advice, but it was nice to ready was people had to say to you.
On Oct 31 my H just walked out. We have three kids and our heads are spinning. I do have my own attorney and can tell you that he DID stop the Direct deposit and tried to erase me in the first week on all paperwork. I have since filed for support and the hearing is in Jan. He has been giving me checks every two weeks so that helps cause i am a SAHM. Two weeks ago he filed for D. I WILL NOT GIVE UP. I know the true person my husband can be and will fight for it. I believe it is a MLC. I have been doing the 180's. Some days are good and some bad. I see him twice a week when he comes to get the kids.
If anyone helping R2GU would like to help me out also, I would greatly appreciate the support.
Thanks
W (me)-35, H-35 M-11 T-18 S-9, D-7,S-5 Bomb and WAH-10/31/09 He filed D 11/09 He filed for Cust 12/09
Ok, so I have not initiated contact in over 24 hours! But here’s my dilemma. I need to speak with him about what we are doing for Christmas. Original plan was for him to spend it with us, then we fought and I told him I had to think about it. Since it’s next week already, I need to let him know. He stopped by to see daughter today and then tried to leave without saying bye. I said bye as he was out the door, but I couldn’t bring anything up because daughter was there. I just wanted to tell him I would like to speak with him and could I call him tomorrow sometime. My problem is I won’t see him until Friday night. Do I wait until then or do I just email him and ask him if we can talk tomorrow? Or when he calls daughter to say goodnight, do I ask then because that's not really initiating contact? HELP!
Well, it's been exactly one week that I've been home alone with daughter. H came home 2 nights after work, late shift this week to bring her to school in the am. So basically I've been a single mom for 6 nights. It was really hard and tiring. But I made it through. H has agreed to come for Christmas Eve and Christmas day. I'm not sure how it's going to go, since we are not speaking. When he is home, he stays in the basement out of my way. It's really strange, but it seems to work. Oddly, daughter has not asked why daddy is sleeping down there or not coming up with us. I did not initiate contact once in the past 7 days except to email him my schedule for the week which he requested, so I don't think that counts! I feel much stronger now that I did that. I have been pleasant when I see him, said hi, but then went about my way. Lastnight he did ask daughter what she wanted for dinner, she said we are going to the diner, and he said ok and walked back downstairs. I told him he could come, but he said no. I'm not sure the point of him being home if not to spend time with daughter. Tomorrow will be difficult because he is taking daughter to his family's to celebrate Christmas. (we've always done the in-laws on a different day and my family on Christmas). I plan on spending the day out of the house finishing shopping and maybe buying myself a nice Christmas present! Just wanted to update my situation and get some confirmation, am I doing the right things? I guess this is a form of going dark, minus the contact about daughter and childcare situations? No talk of the visit to the lawyer, no talk of next steps, really no talk at all. Do I just keep it this way or do I need to say something about how we will act on Christmas? Obviously I want it to be as normal for daughter's sake, which is the whole point of him being there. Remind me again, this does get easier, right?
Quit pursuing, you got him to agree to Christmas, which suggests you invited him, you invited him to dinner, etc...
There is no reason that you should be single parenting six days a week. Set a balanced childcare schedule. Of course, in case of D, if you want primary custody, effectively acting as a single primary caregiver now might help. But, that is absolutely something to discuss with a L.
Don't have a TALK about Christmas. And, don't expect the "magic" of Christmas to bring him home. The forced shared time without the connections that should be there between the two of you is much more likely to make him focus just on how much he wants a D, how far apart the two of you are. It will almost surely push him away further. And, if you have any expectations at all, it will make it worse.
H agreed to come ONLY for DD. Don't think it is anything else. If you need a strategy for yourself, also focus ONLY making a great christmas for DD. Figure out how to give H and DD space alone. Figure out how to get some private space with DD yourself. And, when together, focus on DD.
And, by all means do NOT get him a Christmas card of any sort whatsoever. If you feel you must get a gift for show for DDs sake, make it as impersonal as possible -- like a Target gift card. NO, not a Lowes gift card, not an iTunes gift card. IMPERSONAL, not based on anything that he might like, etc...
I hope everyone out there is having the best Christmas you can. Update on my sitch-
weekend before Christmas, got an email saying he was moving out by Jan 15th. Said he knows we haven't talked about it, but that was his plan. I emailed back and said we did need to talk about it before it happens for daughter's sake. Next day he was gone all day with daughter, came home, dropped all her and my presents from his family in the living room and went downstairs. Daughter was visibly upset so the next day I left him a note saying we had to talk about her and his moving out. I will put up with a lot, but not my daughter being upset by his actions.
We argued for about 45 minutes on the phone. Jist of the convo was that he may visit with her after he moves out in our house and I will make myself scarce for the evening rather than him taking her 2 hours each way to his family's house. He also mentioned that he had been keeping a journal of how I'm treating him and his feelings. He said he writes down when I do and don't say hello to him. Any idea what that might be for?
I explained to him that although I don't want to be around him as long as he is having affair, I will put that aside in cases like the night she was upset and Christmas. He asked if I was getting him gifts and I said I didn't, but daughter did. He said he would do the same. We talked a little about logistics for the week and he said he was going out to dinner the night before Christmas eve. Originally he said he was going to his brothers and was adament about being out that night. I'm not stupid, so I told him that as long as he was going out to dinner with the OW, he could stay out for the night and not come home.
Fast forward to Christmas. I did not buy him any gifts. Daughter made him 2 craft gifts and we made everyone in the family their own photo calendar. That was it. He went shopping by himself, bought me a card from daughter, a pot, a steamer, and baking sheets. She didn't pick any of it out obviously. Strange. I felt a twinge of bad, but reminded myself that this is his choice.
Christmas morning he made me coffee. (He does not drink any) This is huge because he has not made me coffee since this all started back in October. As much as I keep telling myself he is only here for daughter, I can't ignore that little fact. Also, on Christmas eve, he said something completely absurdly wrong on purpose and I called him out on it(it was somewhat of a joke) He actually laughed. First time I've seen him laugh since October.
This week he's been around the house a bit more after our argument on Monday. He actually asked me what I wanted for dinner twice this week. (Hasn't for weeks) he also sent me 2 text messages about random things that were not necessary. I didn't respond.
I am trying really hard not to read too far into these little things, but aren't they somewhat of baby steps? I'm obviously upset by the fact that he wants to move out, but I realize this may be a good thing, it seems the more time we are apart, the better things are when he is here.
Also, I got him to agree to see a counselor to help figure out how to handle things with daughter and letting her know. I spoke with one the other day and explained everything. She said she would talk with us under the premise of my daughter and see if she can dig a little and get him to open up so that we can resolve what's between us for daughter's sake, but also if there's any chance to save the marriage. She is a psycho analyst? Any experience with that kind of therapist?
Sorry this was so long, I guess I needed to get a lot out. If you made it this far, and advice or comments would be greatly welcomed. The best part about these forums is that I usually hear what I don't want to, but know to be the best... if that makes sense. Thanks for reading and Merry Christmas.
