Calling out the Piecers

[Goodfight]

Did your in-laws get involved in the S or D? See mine did and I think that is another big problem. H is afraid at his age to stand up and say he was wrong or that he made a mistake because they will get mad at him and he wouldn't be able to accept that........so better to ruin his own family in order to keep his parents.

[dday101798]

The in-laws,

Well, MIL was an intrigal part to (x)W's deteriorating behavior. She passed in 2006. That was hard on (x)W, very hard. MIL was the glue that kept that family together, and everyother family or soul she touched. She was (x)W's sounding board and advice chest. Heck, even mine. Heaven truly gained another angel when she was called upon. (and for the record, I think that is truly the most religous thing I've ever said, written or thought.)

FIL, well. We had a very bad start back in the beginning of my relationship to (x)W. It took him a while and some confrontation to come to level terms. In time, that passed and we became pretty close. When I retunred to school to gain education for a new career to better our family life, he was delighted. Often referred to me as one of his own S's and him to me, te father I never had.

He was in turn, supportive of me in my efforts to save the M. One morning shortly after (x)W left, he found me out on my deck, reading DB. He confirmed with me some of (x)W's accusations against of me and the things I did wrong. Even then, he was supportive and said that thigns will eventually work out.

My relationship was fine with him until, enter money porblems. The root of all evil. It was becoming more and more apparent that (x)W's motive was to go through with the D and take the kids all together. I could not allow this. Even with the assistance with 'rent' (when paid ) from a "friend" who moved in after (x)W left, there was no way I could make ends meet on the mortgage in FIL's name, the bills, and fund a legal defense.

So, 12/08 I sent FIL a certified letter that I'd be leaving the house 2/1/09 and spoke with him several times regarding the issue on the phone. He never signed for the letter, and continually said "we'll figure something out" during conversation that I WAS leaving.

I paid everything up and through 2/1/09 and on 2/14 when (x)W withheld S12 on his birthday from me, I had the final straw, purchased a vehicle that I needed in order to live with my cousin, and began to move. Upon returning for my second load, I walked in the front door to find FIL, intoxicated, fuming, claiming I was screwing him, threatened my life, and we've been on non-speaking terms ever since. He has truly become a greedy man since the death of MIL, and that is a shame. To this day, he is still with-holiding well over $3,000 in tools of mine as collatoral for whatever debts he thinks I owe him.

I simply can't wait until the day that (x)W informs him that we are working to R. She can't keep it hidden much longer. She's already told him she is returning to the house, step 1 in a multi step approach to do so without giving him a hear attack, for real, he's had several.

I don't think it would take much to repair our indifferences. Obviously, it must happen soon or later. I do believe in my heart that he is still supportive of my fight for the M.

[dday101798]

H is afraid at his age to stand up and say he was wrong or that he made a mistake because they will get mad at him and he wouldn't be able to accept that.........

You know, the BIGGEST lesson I've learned through all this is that EVERY family line, EVERY ONE OF THEM, has hidden deep dark secrets, kept away as best possible from the younger incoming generations until litteraly buried. I learned things about my family I had ZERO idea of. Affairs, abuse, addictions, you name it. Some of those involved, I could simply not believe it be true. But, it is what it is. However, with the exception of the most extreme cases, D was seldom the answer.

My point is, if your H is ashamed to admit his wrongs, I guarentee the moment he gets any insight to his own families buried secrets, he will squeal everything out to relieve his conscience, all the way down to how many bazooka joe's he stole as a kid just to finally get it off his chest.

[mar1713]

Hey dday,

Getting along when things are in the new stages of any relationship is always so blissful isn't it? But you guys have done that and are living in reality AND surviving conflict! That is where I always thought the good relationships survive! That is excellent! The difference between you and your ex and mine, I guess, is that you're giving each other hope for a better future and "dating" and if I was getting "hope" from my ex, I would have been much more inclined to hang in there, but it just wasn't happening. Thats okay for now, I have my life and my kids and life is going on...

Hope you have a wonderful Christmas!

[dday101798]

Thats okay for now, I have my life and my kids and life is going on...

And THAT mar, is the mindset I've been trying to get you in! Congrats, for coming to that conclusion. In time, if it's meant to be then it will. I posted in response to a friend in surviving this realization and summary I've come up with in viewing my wonderful (x)W come around full circle.

To me there are [at least] 3 stages for this to work.

1-the WAS finally admits to themselves what they are doing is wrong. They then spend some time to heal and console themselves.

2-the WAS admits and reaches out to the LBS what they've realized in step 1. They then pause again, to sort of test the water of a R with the LBS and make sure they haven't just confused themselves again.

3-(probably the hardest and where we're at now)-the WAS then admits to friends and family they were wrong. That all the re-writing history and falicies against the LBS to paint an ok picture for their actions (especially where an A is concerned), were not true and that what they thought they wanted was all wrong in every aspect.


That said, mar, I think your sitch touched on step 2. It seems you and your H still have internal issues, and consequently, those issues have halted forward progress. So, like I've been saying, take some time. Let H re-group. At the same time, re-think your strategies, and especially figure out why you two still ahve such a hard thing with communication! For me, my (x)W and I are communicating so much better. We handle our remaining conflicts with compassion for the other's feelings. We used to be so "good" at pushing the others buttons. Now that we know where that gets us, neither of us wants to go there ever again.

[dday101798]

ROFLMMFAO!!! So, (x)W and are messaging back and forth a bit, setting up plans to take her for the rest of her shopping. She says she's probably working late again, so I said don't work too hard. She replies, I won't, I'm saving my energy for you. So after a few more, she says "I want you for christmas" . I reply "well, I do look in bows. But wait, there's more! I even come equiped with a location to hang a stocking". And then this is her 'scope for the day......

From the Chicago Tribune:

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) -- Today is a 6 -- Pay attention to everything you hear in the romance department. You can use this info later for yourself or for gift ideas.

I just thought it was hillarious.

[kat727]

Well you are certainly having a good time with this! I hope you have a wonderful holiday Dylan. Slow and steady wins the race after all.

Merry Christmas, kat

[dday101798]

Well you are certainly having a good time with this! I hope you have a wonderful holiday Dylan. Slow and steady wins the race after all.

Merry Christmas, kat

Hi Kat! Hope all is well with you.

Yes, we are both having a great time with this. We were always 'playful' and shared the duty of lifeguarding the gutter to make sure no-body drowns. Now that I think of it, there a few times even during the S and D when we were on better speaking terms, we'd slip up and make an off comment to one another.

That said, this is going to be a wonderful holiday indeed.

Slow and steady yes, does win the race (well, not..... dang it there's my mind in the gutter again).

You have a Merry Christmas too if we don't cross paths between now and then.

[mishka422]

Merry Christmas Dylan!!!!!!!

Crazy couple of days around here trying to be in too many places at the same time so I wanted to get that out to you before I get swamped.

Enjoy your R-building. Slow and steady is absolutely the way to go, but having fun while you move forward is imperative! Keep it up!

Oh my.....ok, my mind just went elsewhere also....

[dday101798]

LOL!!!!!!!

I'll keep it up alright, actually thats (x)W's job and she certainly doesn't have a hard job in doing that

Merry Christmas to you too hon. STAY POSITIVE!!!! Or else there's gonna be DB posse at your door for the holidays. That could get very interesting.