Oh. That kinda changes the whole dynamic then. Cuz it's not really "transparency" when you've unilaterally TAKEN the see-thru-ness FROM them.
Hmmmm; gonna have to noodle this one.
Puppy
well, it's kind of screwy, you're right. He calls me "Matlock" but we had always been an open book with each other and never had secrets before all of this happened. The cell phones are in my name and he doesn't even have the pw for it. never did. bank accounts are in both of ours and because of an incident that happened before, I had to get credit/background reports pulled regularly for the both of us.. as for the email address pw, I was able to crack them myself and even admitted it to him after the fact. the accounts in question were the ones he had opened up to have communications with the OW. But I deleted those accounts and changed all the info on them being that they are yahoo accounts and it takes up to 90 to delete them and if you try logging in, it gives you the option to re-activate them. I know it's not right that I did that but I felt like he was taking me for a fool. Anytime I ask what he's doing on his phone or PC, he now let's me see. so I dunno.
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
I was in the kitchen preparing lunch and he came by me and practically seduced me in the kitchen
Lesson Learned - when you stood up for yourself, projected that confidence and strength it's very attractive. Don't forget this going forward, you paid too much tuition to forget this lesson.
that's true. it felt good to have that effect on him. I felt like it had been a while.
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
[quote]how do I do 180 with him being overseas? /quote]
What was normal before?
I would use the time to get in shape - mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. You have been thru a wringer and need to do some TLC on yourself.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
it's been some time since my last post. So much has happened in that time.
I will try to compose a synopsis so here it goes (although I know I'm missing bits and pieces).
He went away and in that time it was somewhat okay. I tried to maintain independent and do my thing and doing the 180 (although I can honestly say that I cried the entire time). WH came home and we spent the holidays together (he moved back to our room) and it was somewhat nice (a little sad because I was thinking about next Christmas and not knowing what was going to happen). His mother called up and made amends with us and apologized and decided to spend the holidays with us. It was nice but a little awkward because here she thought we had been living this great life and yet our finances were in the toilet. Her and her exH's marriage was centered over money. That was the root of their demise and hatred for each other. I always remember my WS saying to me that having no financial security was his biggest worry. He always worries about money. I think it was must have been implanted into his brain. I remember before we married that he made me promise that we'd remain a team and work together. I can see in some ways his resentment towards me because of the fact that I quit my job after having our last baby even though he had asked me not to. I feel like i did to spite him because we were doing okay moneywise and he was spending it on all sorts of things so why did I have to work? not to say it was the right way for me to handle things but whatever.
He hasn't had any contact with the OW since November. The only thing I've found about is that he did look her up on FB on the 31st because we found out that she was engaged to her new BF and is pregnant with his child. I confronted WS about looking her up and he said he did it because he was curious about her profile on FB and whether it reflected anything on her new status that she was having a baby. Unfortunately for him, she has either removed herself from FB or changed her privacy settings because you can't find her on FB.
He left to go back overseas in January. Again, that sickness and anxiousness started back up. He feels that I should let go and forget about his affair and doesn't understand why it's so difficult for me. I can also tell that he still holds alot of resentment towards me.
We had decided that our finances were too much to handle, so we were going to move overseas to be together. After thinking things through, we rethinked the situation and I ended up moving the kids and I back to our home state. He was so positive and happy to start over and hopefully get back that spark that we had when we were there.
During this time, his mother surprised him and showed up to his place overseas.. I was a little upset and jealous that she was getting to see this taboo place that I had wanted to experience with him to sort of make our own memories in and in hopes of helping myself heal from his betrayal but it sort of made me feel better to know she was there and going to be occupying his time. While she was there, she picked up on my upset and thought it was directed towards her so I ended up telling her what had happened between her son and I. She was devastated. the woman cried for days and almost had a heart attack. She can understand from both points of view but is disappointed with his way of handling things. Ultimately, she wants us to work things out.
Fast forward, he came home and surprised me for Valentine's day. It was a wonderful surprise.. During his time home, we spent alot of time together, both alone and with the kids. I feel much better than I did 7 months ago, but I'm still a long way from being where I'd like to be.
The mind movies don't stop from beginning but now I can control it a little better. I have been reading so many books and trying to support him and be there for him because I know that he's insecure because he thinks I won't change and that I'll go back to what I was like. Because of that alone, it's caused tension in the whole R process. I feel as though he expects me to get over it and work to redeem myself but yet he can just be normal and not have to make an effort sometimes. Now, I will not say that he hasn't totally not tried, because he HAS BUT it just feels like he could do much more but just won't.
In our situation ... We were having some very serious marital issues. Those issues involved pregnancy, hormone issues and control issues/prioritizing issues (not being able to handle work/kids/marriage all at once) on my part. Issues I was not willing to address.
The resulting mood swings, nearly uncontrolled anger, bitchiness....Drove my family to the brink of disaster.
My husband loved me - but he didn't always like me. Which is, to an extent, understandable. I didn't like me either.
Rather than screw up the courage to really confront me about what has happening to us and to our marriage he took the cowardly way out. He found someone else to meet some of the needs that I was not filling.
I'm not saying that to excuse what he did, only to explain where we were as a couple.
It made it easy for him to justify to himself the decision to let her fill the needs I "wouldn't" fill.
We were both wrong. But yet right now, I feel like it's only me TRULY trying. And I mean SMALL things. But I feel like it has gotten a little worse since he left to go back overseas.
For example, he just left to go back overseas and hasn't really called me much. He didn't call me when he arrived (came in after 1 am) because it was too late.. Okay, fine, I understand.. but then he knew I had an interview the following day and didn't even call to wish me luck or anything.. I ended up calling HIM on my way home from the interview.. I spoke to him again later and then I didn't hear from him until the following NIGHT. I actually called him but his mom (who is still there), said he had left a note that he was out with the neighbor and that she was going to meet them as well in a few. This was at 4 pm and he didn't call me until 8. He said he had been busy and didn't get a chance to. Then he said he was going to the gym and would call me after he returned. He promised me but never did. I ended up calling him the next day (today) and he didn't call me back until 12:30 when he woke up. They had all been at the casino (his mom is a big gambler) and had had a good time.. When I addressed that I was upset he hadn't called, he said yeah, I forgot but like blew it off.. I then started to tell him how I felt and if he was okay or if there was something on his mind to explain how he'd been acting. he pretty much said that perhaps he needed his space and that he will not be "up my ass" like I am up his. He also said that I was attached to his hip while he was home. I don't understand his sudden change in behavior. Can anyone explain what is going on with him? Is it just space he needs? I told him that I question whether we really should continue doing this or perhaps just need to move on and go our separate ways. He said he thinks about the same and doesn't know what will happen with us but that he really doesn't think about his needs or what he wants, but rather what's best right now in terms of our finances and that that is what he needs to focus on. I feel like we just took 10 steps backwards. I feel like he was right at the point where this fog had been lifted and he was coming to his senses in terms of our marriage but then it is just going downhill within the last few days. I don't get it. I feel like he is punishing me still for what I did to him. He said to me that people don't change and that I'll go right back to how I was.. How can he not understand that all that has happened has forever changed me. I can no longer be that person. I'm not the same person anymore. I punish myself enough for what's happened and he got his "payback" in my eyes by having an A, why can't he see that? He tells me that it'll take time for him to trust me again and that I can't expect him to overnight. I understand that. Then he says that who knows if things will be better, worse or the same in a year. It's just sad to even think of myself feeling the same way as I do a year from now. I feel like I want to call it quits one minute but I'm petrified. I love him very much and in my eyes, he's the only man for me.
As far as sex, the first night he came home when he surprised me was very passionate I would say. He kissed me and held me and it was nice.. the rest of the times was really more just getting right to business and not as much romance. When I brought this to his attention, he brings up all the times i rejected him and pushed him off of me and belittled him.
I'm at a loss as to what to do. Do I 180 again? my fear is that he won't be phased by it at all and that it'll create an even bigger wedge between us and that I'll lose him.
Thanks for reading..
Last edited by timehealsall; 03/07/1010:55 PM.
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
Have you had any MC? If not, do you think it would help? It seems from the little I just read that really talking would help address some of the issues and that may be easier with a MC.
hi kara, we have zero money to do this right now.. but he is open to it. we both are.. i'm hoping that if I get this new job, i/we will be able to afford to go. only time will tell.
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
There are many charitable (religious/govt/work related) organizations that will provide counseling for a cut rate, sliding scale or even free. If you talk to your local religious leader or your employee assistance line s/he may be able to provide some resources.
Peace,
CV_95
M:40 W:40 2 teenagers ILYBNILWY: 09 January 2010 soon to be walking away my situation
He also said that I was attached to his hip while he was home. I don't understand his sudden change in behavior. Can anyone explain what is going on with him? Is it just space he needs? I told him that I question whether we really should continue doing this or perhaps just need to move on and go our separate ways. He said he thinks about the same and doesn't know what will happen with us but that he really doesn't think about his needs or what he wants, but rather what's best right now in terms of our finances and that that is what he needs to focus on. I feel like we just took 10 steps backwards. I feel like he was right at the point where this fog had been lifted and he was coming to his senses in terms of our marriage but then it is just going downhill within the last few days. I don't get it. I feel like he is punishing me still for what I did to him. He said to me that people don't change and that I'll go right back to how I was.. How can he not understand that all that has happened has forever changed me. I can no longer be that person. I'm not the same person anymore. I punish myself enough for what's happened and he got his "payback" in my eyes by having an A, why can't he see that? He tells me that it'll take time for him to trust me again and that I can't expect him to overnight. I understand that. Then he says that who knows if things will be better, worse or the same in a year. It's just sad to even think of myself feeling the same way as I do a year from now. I feel like I want to call it quits one minute but I'm petrified. I love him very much and in my eyes, he's the only man for me.