Hi I am semi-new. I had posted a while back and now have returned for the help and support that I don't have in my daily life. When I have touched on my problems with others they have been in two camps-leave or grin and bear it- and I can't do either. But my relationship is making me literaly sick and I see I need to and can do alot more.I have been doing the pushing,pursuing and sacraficing to save our marriage which has backfired. More of my situation and rantings are at this link http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1856778&page=1 Basically, I have alot of 180's to do that will be very hard for me,I have fears that he will use my change in behavious against me and I wonder if we come through this that i will even like him any more-cos I dont now. Thanks
Hi 4peace - Welcome. You're in the right place for support.
Can you give more information about your situation? I looked at your other thread, but didn't quite get the whole story.
This siuation sucks, but there are a lot of good people here to talk to. I've had the same experience that most people in my daily life don't quite "get it". Keep posting more -
ve respect and understaniding and harmony. ATM he is barely talking to me and I am trying to do a 180 on pursuing and moping but it may be a shock 2 him and I may get some flak from it. Also I want to tell him I now see his point of view about the pursuing issue but dont know how without undermining my 180.Also would like him to realise I did it with the best intentions but I hope it's not to late.
Just saw half my message above did not work? So just to quickly summarise my situation my husband and I met 20 years ago when we were teenagers an married over 17 years ago.We have 2 sons,one almost 16 and one 4.We have had arguments and friction through our entire relationship.I have read self-help books,been counsellors and we both had 2 sessions with a counsellor but he pulled out.I see alot of my trying to fix things had made them worse because he is telling me to leave him alone,stop talking,etc. He has changed in the last few years that could be a mlc teamed with just being stressed an fed up with fighting plus I have been sick and spent alot of time and money on tests and doctors and medication and that annoyed him and cause alot of fights and tenion. When he is at his angriest he has treatened a few times to leave and he stays for the kids sake. I feel things are at a point where it can all blow up. I see some sense in doing some 180's on my behaviours of pursuing and trying to fix things.I am needy and cant/dont get out much so if he is not giving me attention I can hound him until it ends up in a fight where he pulls away for days and I push more. I have more details on my thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...778#Post1856778 This weekend will be test for me if my 180 of holdong back worls or backfires and if I can keep it up.I am a bit worried about how far to go so he doesnt turn our barely talking etc situatin back on me. Also I would like to know other db experiences on when you are db-ing but so upset and angry even in the calm times your spouse irritates you and you feel incompatible.
Another night of no talking- no thanks for dinner, no good night just closed doors.And that means another day of it too tomorrow. Feel too young to be so lonely and so stuck with all this stretched out ahead of me and no end in sight.
4peace, firstly I suggest that you post on this thread and forget about the other one. That will make it easier for others to follow your story and to help you out.
I wonder if you have read divorce busting or divorce remedy yet? If you haven't I think that would be a great starting point for you.
Since you live Down Under, @4peace, I am unable to use one of my favorite little ditties -- "Can't? What are you, an AmeriCAN or an AmeriCANT?"
But you get the point. Of course you can. You don't want to. You would prefer not to. You wish it wouldn't come to this. You fear doing so.
All perfectly understandable. But, in fact, you can.
And, at some point, you might have to. It's well to just start getting used to that idea now. But you're not at that point yet.
But my relationship is making me literaly sick and I see I need to and can do alot more.
And this is why you're not at that point yet. You already know what you have to do. So. Why aren't you doing it? What you can't do is just mope 'n' hope. As I am fond of saying, @4peace, hope is not a plan.
changed in the last few years that could be a mlc teamed with just being stressed an fed up with fighting
Yes, yes it could be.
Or he could be gay.
Or he could be having an affair.
Or he could be a secret alcoholic.
Or he could just be looking at middle age and be wondering, as David Byrne once asked, "Well, how did I get here?"
Or he could have won the Lotto Strike in New South Wales and simply hates the idea of sharing the money.
Or he could be writing the Great Australian Novel and be resentful of the interruptions of his work.
Or be realizing that his true life's ambition is to become a pommy member of the House of Lords and return to the ancestral Albion.
Or be addicted to porn.
Or be going through male menopause.
Or, or, or, or, or, or, or any combination of the above.
Or all of them.
Or none of them.
It doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because whatever "it" is, you have no control over it. No influence over it. I know that you desperately want to know, desperately want to understand -- we all do -- because you think that if only you "knew what it was" you could "fix" it.
No. Only HE can fix what ails him.
The limits of your fixit skills are the tips of your toes and the tips of your fingers. In other words, you CAN fix YOU. Let the rest of the chips fall where they may. And, in fact, you CAN fix YOU because you've already started doing so just by posting your story and evaluating your own situation.
plus I have been sick and spent alot of time and money on tests and doctors and medication and that annoyed him and cause alot of fights and tenion.
With respect to the first part, that's an obvious source of tension and conflict. And there's not much you can do about that, except be open, talk about it as a source of stress, ask him what his evaluations are, etc.
With respect to the second part, why would you being sick "annoy" him? Sounds to me like he has some Work of his own to do. "Better or worse, sickness and health" -- ding-ding-ding! Ring a bell to him?
I am needy and cant/dont get out much so if he is not giving me attention I can hound him until it ends up in a fight where he pulls away for days and I push more.
Now we're getting somewhere. You have the beginnings of a plan here, my friend.
"I am needy." Why? Look inside yourself. What are you searching for that you "need" that you haven't had? And why do you assume that He Himself is the one to satisfy that need?
You've been assuming that He Himself was satisfying that need -- but was he? And I mean that in 2 ways -- literally, was he satisfying your need and more philosophically might it not be the case that you yourself have been satisfying that need, but projecting the source of satisfaction onto H? In other words, not giving yourself the credit you deserve?
Plan-wise, you need to understand that need and its sources, so that you can find alternate means of addressing it.
"cant/dont get out much." Well which is it? "Can't?" Perhaps for medical/physical reasons? Or "don't" -- which is an entirely different thing? The distinction matters in lots of important ways, so it would be helpful if we had more clarity here.
"I can hound him until it ends up in a fight." This is an eminently 180-able thing to stop doing. Stop hounding him. Don't tell him you're going to stop. Just. Stop.
"and I push." Again. Just. Stop. Pushing is what my 10-year-old son does. He has convinced himself that megative attention is better than no attention, even though he hates negative attention, and even though I hate giving him negative attention. But negative attention motivates only avoidance.
Let me give you an example: When I was in Iraq I had an opportunity to sit down to a "meal" (I use the term loosely -- anything that comes out of a hermetically sealed plastic bag can only vaguely be described as "food") with some Diggers, and we were doing what soldiers do, which is swap stories of the Sergeants we've loved to hate over the years.
What do you think we learned about each other, though we lived on opposite sides of the globe? The physical training sergeant who made my life such a joy in Missouri in 1983 -- and who even then had been in the army since the Lord Jesus himself was a mere Corporal -- was apparently the exact same physical training instructor who was tormenting Digger Jim in 2000 at Blamey Barracks.
His method, his joy, his True Love, was the infliction of pain in the name of physical readiness for battle ("you'll thank me for this one day"). And we all agreed -- the one thing it taught us was how to avoid running into him at all costs.
So what are you teaching your Husband? To avoid running into you at all costs, because what he associates with you is unpleasant -- it's literally painful to him.
Now, then -- riddle me this: How is that strategy going to help you?
Also I would like to know other db experiences on when you are db-ing but so upset and angry even in the calm times your spouse irritates you and you feel incompatible.
Allow me to suggest that DB'ing is not about "feelings." It's about doings.
Go ahead, feel incompatible. Or decompatible. Or noncompatible. Feel anything you like.
But don't act on those feelings.
That's what the "as-if" formula is all about.
As you read other threads here you'll see that we all get irritated at our Walkaways and future Walkaways and Half-Walkaways. Of course they're irritating -- look how weird they are!
But that's neither here nor there. As is so often said about the process outlined in The Divorce Remedy (the better of the 2 books), it's all about YOU.
The logic is simple. You are no longer desirable to him. (Sorry, but you have to cut to the bone.) At one time you were desirable to him. Therefore something has changed. While it is possible that the changed something is all one-sided (i.e., him), it's not very likely. So assess, evaluate, and start recovering the You you were when you were You, and he was falling for You.
But that doesn't mean that he'll "fall" for you again. It does mean, however, that you'll have squared yourself away. And that's where the whole thing has to start.
Ok I have located a copy of Divorce Remedy at a library in a town about half an hour away and I will go pick it up when it opens late this afternoon. Thanks for the replies. Smileysperson I was so happy to get some feedback.I will study what you have said and work out some answers and replies as I can.Since the family have gone out for a while I am going to switch off from db for a while and enjoy the quiet.Then read some of the book later and come back here for a bit. My first response on reading the message above is if I am going to work on myself- my health,my confidence,and also find out what I want to battle over and what is not important.I have made attempts in the past and I guess I gave up if I didnt get a result straightaway, if an obsticle came up or if I was met with opposition.I haven't really thought about it.I must have shifted my focus on fixing him-us rather than me becasue it was easier and felt like keeping the peace.The funny thing is the neediness and other things that annoy him were enabled by him and still are when it suits him.His background is Iran/Iraq parents and mine were traditional so when I tried to be independent I was told not to.I was brought up to be a housewife and was slowly led to believe that I couldnt do anything right. I dont have a say in finance or rules with the kids etc and attempts to discuss never ends well.Even when I have met my cousin for a coffee he was sending me messages and calling and i got a lecture about how he was ready to phone the police because it was 5:30 pm and I had left at 3:30! Also I had to bring home dinner on the way LOL Sometimes it was just easier to give in to the can'ts. I have been critised and controlled all my life. But now it is not easier either way. The 180 of pulling back is hard because I have handed all of my self-esteem over to him and he can decide that if I do something i do bothers him that he can give me a little push and i'll cave. But I wil be 40 in a few months and I dont think I will just wake up magically with that assuredness everyone talks about.Its up to me.
Yes, it is up to you 4peace! Keep hanging out here and reading everyone's posts and you'll get the hang of working on yourself first. It's amazing that when you really do work on you, you'll see a new, more confident you emerging and H will definitely see that, too!
