Up until this april. I was an emotionally and physically abusive husband (will be for rest of life just not acting on my fears and anxieties). In April my wife said she was done. ILUBIMNILWY. She has been in an ea for at least a year. He even asked her out in june but she turned him down. I was still snooping through her email and face book but I've stopped since then. I was very controlling and criticized alot. We still sleep in the same bed but no ML, hugs or kissing. She wants me to get her a new car but I declined. I have been working on painting a room in the house about every month or so. She keeps on taking me shopping to go look at paints and furniture for different rooms. Neither of us can afford the house so I don't understand this to well. She doesn't want to go to counseling or retro. I'm Attending IC.
I'm doing really well. I've lost about 25lbs and I have been Galing. Unfortunatly my wife has added weight. She has really been focused there alot.
I'm reading love without hurt and the divorce remedy. I know she doesn't trust me and she may never trust me again. She recognizes I've changed but thinks I will change back if she decides to work on the M. I don't try to initiate kisses, hugs, convo, ML. I will say my kids have voiced how much I've improved.
I found out my wife is organizing a co-ed soccer team that I told her I would play on. She hasn't said anything but I know the guy who is married and asked her out is on the team. I really don't know what to do next. Some days are harder than ohers.
My DB coach thinks I'm doing great with validating not arguing and working on boundries. I've been more compassionate, but still need to work on learning her POV. My wife is not always a nice person and doesn't miss an opportunity to correct me or nag. I agree with her now and finish the task. I pray for peace trust and hope.
I just needed to let this out and finally share with everyone.
Its very hard to know I've caused so much hurt and pain to someone I should have loved. Thanks for listening.
JJ
H:37 W:34 D11,S8,S6 Together 19 years M:10 Bomb:4/09
Even if you can't save your marriage, you can at least make changes that will prevent you from hurting her again, or someone else if you have a new relationship in the future.
My husband is verbally/emotionally abusive, but not physical. He's read some of Love Without Hurt but didn't finish it. He didn't get to the part about how long it takes the wife to recover. I really hope you can stick with that book and find a lot of help from Stosny.
Has your wife ever read the portion of Love Without Hurt for the wife? Unlike Divorce Remedy, LWH is actually written for both people. Have you asked your DB coach about having her read it?
Thanks for the kindwords. I've not yet approached the subject with Ms. JJ. I thought it was putting the cart before the horse. I want to work on me and if that brings her around to ask what I've been reading and working on great! I want to maintain an air of mystery. I've not discussed this with DB coach. I do think i'm proceeding correctly. I'm open to any suggestions.
At this point she is looking for a job to make more money. I am working on painting the living room even though she has said we are only sprucing things up to sell the house. and purchasing a chair she wanted for our hallway. I used to say that looks dumb or we don't have the money. Now I can barly get out of my own way to get things done. I do need to be careful because I feel I fit the personality of a nice guy. One day at a time!
JJ
H:37 W:34 D11,S8,S6 Together 19 years M:10 Bomb:4/09
Well...I think kindness speaks first and foremost. Sometimes after my H has been a real ass, then he'll cook for me, or clean something, or do a project or whatever, and well, sometimes it pisses me off. You know? Just be nice to me and I'll make my own damn breakfast.
I'm getting more able to see those acts as acts of love now. I don't want acts of contrition though, just love. Have you ever read the Five Love Languages. He's big on acts of service, which while helpful, don't mean so much to me. Not after a verbal whipping.
It's a short book, it might give you some ideas on things you could do that would mean the most to your wife. In addition to controlling your temper of course.
My H always told me anything I wanted to do or buy was stupid, or cost too much money. Nothing he wants ever costs too much money though. He's working on that.
How far have you gotten in LWH?
Also, if I can ask, do you have any substance problems that make things worse? Like alcohol? My husband is an alcoholic, and I've been struggling for a long time trying to figure out if that makes him worse or it's just happening at the same time.
My husband is an alcoholic, and I've been struggling for a long time trying to figure out if that makes him worse or it's just happening at the same time.
It makes it worse, it's not a coincidence.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
My husband is an alcoholic, and I've been struggling for a long time trying to figure out if that makes him worse or it's just happening at the same time.
It makes it worse, it's not a coincidence.
His dad does the same stuff and he doesn't drink...is what I wonder about. And H's moods come and go, regardless of drinking. I know it's not "a coincidence." But it can be comorbid, with lots of other problems. He definitely is better since he stopped pounding down hard liquor every day at 4:31 p.m.
I don't drink that often around wife and kids and if I do I limit it to a couple of beers. I will admit the alcohol does make things worse from an emotional standpoint. Less patience less of a fuse and more jeolousy! LWH Author Stonsy even discusses this in his bootcamp section for LWH. I have very little emotional control if I get drunk in front of her. The last time I did drink in front of her was last thanksgiving eve. Not good!
Pornography was also a big problem. Objectification and marginalization. I have been porn free since april. I've used net nanny in the past and I finally was able to put it down through a very lengthy spiritual process.
I skipped the section for my wife and went straight to the bootcamp section for the abuser. I just started reading this past weekend. I wish I found this book a year ago.
I wanted to also make a comment: breakaway said " even if you can't save your marriage." Breakaway I know there is nothing I can do to save my marriage. With God's help I can love myself. My wife needs to decide if she wants to stay and I don't blame her if she doesn't.
"Let not your heart be disturbed. Do not fear that sickness, nor any other sickness or anguish. Am I not here, who am your Mother? Are you not under my protection? Am I not your health? Are you not happily within my fold? What else do you wish? Do not grieve nor be disturbed by anything."
Our Lady of Guadalupe to Juan Diego
H:37 W:34 D11,S8,S6 Together 19 years M:10 Bomb:4/09
I caught my H's porn habit just Labor Day weekend, but it was finally the thing that made him stop BULLSH!TTING me, and more importantly, himself, and I've felt the first true hope I've felt in a long time. Although it's still hard not to feel this is all a temporary remorse. But he used to be a more spiritual person and fell far away from that. He's moving back in that direction and dealing with himself because he knows he needs to deal with himself, and not because I'm mad at him or whatever.
Objectification has been a major problem for us, IMO. He wanted me to be The Wife and be his servant, and well, we all know that porn women are objectified. I was quite suspicious because he would say ridiculous things about what women like or do, "a lot of women" he'd say, and I'm like, you don't even KNOW any women. WTF are you talking about? Fantasy women? Why yes, breakaway, fantasy women think I'm their master.
I think he really did lose track of reality for a while. I told him recently that pornography hardens hearts, and he agreed that it did.
I really wish you well. I know it's difficult to change. I applaud you for even trying. Do you see a counselor or anything? You mentioned giving up porn through a spiritual process...did you have help?
Saw your post to talk. Not sure what to say. Like breakaway, my H has had a problem with alcohol and anger. He has been sober since Feb 1. Like most A marriages, we have a very negative cycle to break. SInce his sobriety it has been much easier, but his negativity still comes up.
I know it is hard to change, sounds like you are doing what you can and it is good. My H is dealing with anger, guilt and shame over his past behavior with the help of RC faith which he recently converted to in the past year. And I am dealing with the fall out of those feelings on our relationship in addition to the chaos and negativity his A brought to it.
I personally, like breakaway, have ambivalent feelings to work through probably much like your W. What has helped in the past here, has been people on opposite sides sharing view points to help understand the other person in our lives. Sometimes we can see things that you can't see and vice versa.
This has been a very supportive site for the most part.
