I'm not sure where my original thread from several months back is. I wasn't ready for this forum when I signed up, because, turns out, I was just as angry as H was. I screwed up all of the steps, one way or another. Let me give a quick recap of my sitch and you're welcome to ask questions for clarification if necessary.
Husband asked for the big D. I should have seen it coming, I'd been distant, allowing him to come to me when he was ready. H was seeing ex. I still do not know 100% that anything more than emotional cheating was going on, and I've decided I'd rather NOT know (for now). The pain I'm carrying is enough already. If, eventually, the truth does come out or I can't bear it any longer, I will deal with that pain then.
He was angry. I was distant. His ex called him. Would you really have ignored such an intimate shoulder to cry on, seriously? I empathize with him. I forgive him. And I feel pain from his actions, but I am ready to move forward with him, flaws and all.
I was desperate. I just wanted it to be over and for him to see the damage he was doing immediately. But it's a process and I can't hurry up the process any more than I can control his actions while he struggles. I don't think he's completely through with the process yet, but a lot of the anger has subsided, making it easier for me to get a grip on myself.
I leaned on a man during this time for support. Foolish. I knew better, but I didn't have any other options. (See my husband and his ex above - no one else was around) I'm slowly trying to separate myself from this man, who has become completely convinced he will "win me over" after being the "nice guy" all this time, though he did give me an important gift: my new (female) best friend. I feel like I owe him some gratitude, but if I give a little, he may push for more. I told him continually through our talks and my venting that I love my husband, I am not ready to move on, and I was uncomfortable with his come-ons and innuendo. His advances continued (and are still continuing). I'm hoping to get support that it is okay to get away from him and not feel guilt for hurting him in a way. By the way, my husband knows all about this man and that I have had to frequently hang up on him/leave his presence in order to get his come-ons to cease (and my husband seemed very concerned!!).
Anyhow, the whole ordeal has been a roller coaster of hurt, pain, anger, confusion, failing attempts, and, not to mention, a child in the middle. Ugh, I have failed my son, miserably as a mother. But I will not hurt for past mistakes, every day is a gift to be a more positive, confident mother to my child.
Some things I did that WORKED: 1. I shut up, and walked away (FINALLY) 2. During disagreements, I found things about his point of view that I agreed with and RESTATED it. 3. I wrote him THANK YOU NOTES, when he did something right (he always felt unappriciated and tried to communicate this to me, but I was too angry to cooperate) 4. I told him how PROUD I WAS when some of the fog had lifted and he admitted to things he had done out of anger (keep the pain back, keep the positive forward - my new bff hears all about the pain so that it is out and I can approach my H with love and respect) 5. I continued making love. We always talked and connected best after.
We're not ready to put this marriage back together. I know that. I'm trying not to rush (though I had an ear to ear grin the other night). Without "kissing and telling" too much, my H said to me during an active love making session that he loved me very much. I was all grins, he was all grins. I'm afraid he might be rethinking that over this weekend away (he told me Thurs night, and is OOT til Sunday), but I plan to remain positive.
Tonight, I started rethinking. Having doubts. I knew it was coming, I mean Michele even told me when I read Remedy! But I was ill prepared. My bff is going through her own emotional crisis. She's super supportive when I need her to be, but she can only stretch so far without compromising herself. Tonight, though, I started thinking about the ex and if she will ever truly be out of the picture, and the pain hit me hard. The unasked questions, the probable lies to cover his tracks ("I swear we never did anything"). It's haunting me in a way. I know he'd rather sweep it under the rug, but I know that hiding the conflicts doesn't make them go away.
The pain has subsided now, and I've decided that I'm going to use this pain to my advantage and write another thank you note, I just haven't thought of what for yet.
Sorry it's so long and thanks a bunch for lending an ear (or eyes in this case) Please do comment, encouraging words are all I have at this point!
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
Let me stress again that it took 8 months for my H to soften up. I was contributing in all of my chasing behaviors as well. Once I started to (FINALLY) let go and do my own thing (which did not include another man, though I'm sure his thing included other women), he was almost immediately accepting of the change. I hope that seeing my timeframe above helps someone here. Obviously, it's not always that quick, but the sooner you start taking care of YOU and quit taking care of THEM, the sooner they will be able to see exactly what taking care of them looked like.
Okay, back to me now (see how selfish I've become?!) H and I are going on our first date sometime this week. Hopefully he can go Friday because I'd really like to take him to dinner and a haunted house. It's a little different, right?
Next, it's his turn. He can plan the date. Although I'm afraid he might try to one-up me, because he's really competitive. BTW, even though we're still married and sexually involved, because in a way we're starting over I plan to abstain from sex for the first date.
Again, I'm not sure I want to put this in piecing yet, because we're still nowhere near the clear. We are both trying and so far, it is working, but he is not ready to commit. I am scaring him a bit, but I'm trying to back off.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
