Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

It's my night to have the girls. W is the late night supervisor. She calls at about 7:20 to check on the girls. She's asking about D7 who wants to tell her a story so I hand her the phone.

When she's done, W wants to talk again. She says she's on her way to ... then hesitates, an appointment. She'll call to talk to D10 in a little while.

Psychologists don't have appointments at night. Neither do doctors. Do you know who does have night time appointments? Divorce attorneys.

I have come a long way in this process. I have been far too nice in this process. If she files, or even approaches me about collaborative divorce, I am going to ask for joint physical custody. I am the one who picks them up when they are sick. I am the one who meets them off the bus every day. I'm the one that takes them to swimming practice or theater class.

I also am not going to live my life on $25k take-home pay a year while she lives on $52k. I did nothing to warrant taking my family from me.

OK, now I'm going to play legos with D7.

[Laurie]

Dear Clinging,
As a licensed counselor, I have had many appointments with clients at night. So, can I caution you to be careful what you assume - especially if it leads you to thinking negative thoughts that could lead you to act or talk a bit more negatively to your W?

Clinging, I do think it can be helpful to think through and prepare for potential painful scenerios (such as, your W telling you she visited a lawyer). Thinking it through can help you figure out how to respond in a way that offers the most hope for the M. But, my concern is that your thoughts tonight could lead you to getting more and more upset, then possibly cause you to say or do something you really regret later.

So, as I have just finished with my own coaching client not too long ago, I ask you to take a deep breath, prepare for the worst, but "act as if" she just got done talking to her counselor, OK? She may have really just done that. Either way, your decision to remain calm will tend to do much less harm than if you react to her in a negative way.

Take care and keep fighting for your marriage! I am glad you are here getting support!!
Laurie

[frank_D]

I agree with Laurie. Stay grounded.

[ClingingToHope]

Laurie, I'm just having a very emotional week. I had a long talk with my aunt. Two weekends ago I had a great time GALing. Visited a friend in Chicago, went to Cincinnati for a football game, took my D10 to a Miley Cyrus concert.

Then last weekend, because of a scheduling quirk I had the girls four straight nights. That was just so great. Now it's back to the empty apartment, except for tonight, and the weekend is approaching and I don't have anything on my schedule and ... that makes me feel like a failure.

So I'm just emotionally spent. Yesterday, W had a horrible day at work and who does she turn to? Me. I listened, I validated. I was there for her -- because that's who I am. I'm her husband and I'm there for her.

But then I remember that she's no longer there for me and I look at how badly I'm struggling -- the financial part is really adding to the emotional part. It's as if I have nothing to call my own. I'm a part-time father, a 40-year-old (almost) single guy and I'm living as frugally as possible and working two jobs and still spending more than I make each month.

I've been too nice in this. I'm preaching patience to myself every day. But she doesn't respect me. And where do you draw the line? In my mind, it'll be when she files. I have a D7, whatever happens in an agreement is a 10 1/2 thing. I can't live like this for 10 1/2 years.

[ClingingToHope]

Man, another week, another problem. This week, every time I wake up my mind automatically starts racing on my sitch ... and I can't get back to sleep.

Couple that with the fact that now I'm 40 my body tends to want to get up around 5:30 a.m. every morning to use the bathroom and you have one very tired individual.

[awest1217]

I understand the tiredness. For some reason I am not sleeping well, I am not sure why. Maybe this weekend will be good with nothing to do so you can get some extra sleep and relaxation. Think of it that way.

[billclay18]

I have come a long way in this process. I have been far too nice in this process. If she files, or even approaches me about collaborative divorce, I am going to ask for joint physical custody. I am the one who picks them up when they are sick. I am the one who meets them off the bus every day. I'm the one that takes them to swimming practice or theater class.

I also am not going to live my life on $25k take-home pay a year while she lives on $52k. I did nothing to warrant taking my family from me.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally I'm hearing a little fight in you. Fight for your kids, fight for your financial well being, fight for your self respect. Will this help save M? Probably not...but what's going to happen with your M will happen whether you play nice or fight!

[mishka422]

(((CTH))))

I hear that frustration building. I'm sorry you are having a rotten time of it this week.

I like what Laurie said about not 'ASSuming' where your W went last night. Choose to believe that she saw a C, not a L. Heck, my C has appointments as late as 8pm. They have to be available at times that people can be available.

Question - what can't you do for 10 1/2? Live in limbo?

If this does come to D, you definitely have to fight for at minimum 50/50 custody of your girls. With your flexible schedule you could really fight for 75/25. Just do yourself and your girls a favor. Don't give in to whatever your W wants if it doesn't seem like it will be best for you. Got it?

[ClingingToHope]

I understand the tiredness. For some reason I am not sleeping well, I am not sure why. Maybe this weekend will be good with nothing to do so you can get some extra sleep and relaxation. Think of it that way.

[quote][/quote]Well, I've been trying all week to find something to do this weekend. It's the first in a while that I have nothing planned -- and that freaks me out. My biggest adjustment here is that this is the first time I've ever lived alone. I've always had someone to talk to. Some people like it. So far, I'm not one of those.

Of course, I just had a tooth implant and am not feeling well so who knows how well I'll feel anyway in two days.

[ClingingToHope]

Interesting freudian slip. Sitting at D10's school waiting for her rehearsal to get out -- I was off today because of getting a tooth implant in the morning -- when W calls. She runs through a couple of school things, D7 has missed a ton of days and she got a letter from the school concerning that topic.

Basically, school wants a doctor's note for the rest of the year when she is sick, which means extra co-pays so W is not happy.

At the end, she said, that means "we'll have to meet with the lawyer ... I mean doctor every time she's sick."

Even though it hurt my mouth, I giggled.

Scheduled my last paid session with Dottie (DB counselor) for Monday. Going to ask about conversations, letting her talk, validating if it has anything to other than the kids or cutting her off and not allowing me to be that crutch.

Last time I talked to Dottie I got so fired up I screwed up and forced W into a R talk, which did not go well at all. That was 3 1/2 weeks ago.

GALing is going better. May be heading out with a professional friend on Friday. Have asked a single lady from church to meet for a music concert on Saturday but haven't heard back. I don't want to scare her. It's not a date. I just want to get out of the apartment on Saturday.

Feeling better about things.