Hope and heartache

[billclay18]

We've been splitting weekends and they stay at my house every Wednesday night. This week, for the second time since I moved into my apartment, she asked if I could take them Thursday as well so she could catch up at work. I don't have any special plans on Thursday so I said yes.

Because my job is flexible I'm the one who goes home every day to see the kids get off the bus. When the after-school sitter gets there I head back to work.

I added it up in my head. The girls will stay at my apartment over night at least 135 days a year -- including summer vacations -- and with the after-school stuff, I'll see them at least 280.

That's pretty good.

We agreed early on that the girls would stay together and my W would be the primary home. Her self worth is really tied into the girls. She feels her job detracts from her ability to be a good mother. I could fight -- and people have told me I should -- for custody, but I feel that would be counterproductive. Fights like that cause long-term divisions and kids usually get caught in the middle.

Not necessarily. First, kids only get caught in the middle if you choose to put them there. Secondly, fighting for your children and to protect yourself financially will cause a rift initially, but she may actually end up respecting you when all is said and done.

I went thru a 2-1/2 yr, bitter D. It was horrible and expensive, but in the end I have my D11 half the time, a modest CS payment and my self respect. I also have a great relationship with my exW, but that didn't happen overnight.

I'll be able to see them a lot and then when they are older, they can make their own decisions.

True, but when they older they won't want much to do with either of you...just part of growing up...their priorities changing (friends, boys, etc.). Spending time with mom or dad won't be "cool". I'm just experiencing that now, but I sure am glad I was a big part of my D11's life when spending time with me was cool. Those are the times I cherish and they don't last long.

Both of the friends I talked to last night used mediators and made their own settlements. They said it smoothed the process, saved thousands of dollars and there were no long-term bitter feelings afterward.

Best thing you can do. MY exW and I would never have reached the agreement we did if not for the mediator.

[ClingingToHope]

Long, fun weekend and now getting on with things financially.

I worked a high school football game Friday night for extra money. Saturday I made it to the 4 p.m. church service, which had what seemed like a custom-made message for me. Love God unconditionally and trust in his path for you and your heart will have no burdens.

After, drove into Chicago to hang out with a HS friend. We picked up a friend of hers, went to Navy Pier, where I saw another friend from HS, to a downtown club on the 27th floor and then finally to some Irish Pub.

After, we talked and caught up until 4 a.m. in the morning. The friend also was friends with W years ago. They were on a dance team together, so she had some insights.

Sunday, co-worker picks me up in Chicago and we drive to Cincinnati for the Bears-Bengals football game. He was covering it -- we both work for the local newspaper -- and I wrote a sidebar so I could get a press pass as well.

Long day. Not home until 4 a.m.

I'm up early though. Both D7 and D10 are sick with 101 plus temps. W texted me and I thought wanted me to come over because I'd told her last week I could work from home on Monday.

When I get there, W is sick as well. She said she texted me, but it didn't go through -- or it didn't happen.

Oh well. I said good morning to the girls and headed home AND put sell orders in on our investment account. That's $3,900 I'll use to pay for a tooth implant -- an old root canal snapped off and there's no money left in our flex insurance account to pay for the implant -- and a retainer on a L.

I'm just waiting until 9 a.m. to call the L who I was referred to to set up an appointment. The sooner the better. Today if possible.

I'm sure I'll crash later. Two 4 a.m. days are too much for a 40-year-old, but right now I'm ready to prepare if another page gets turned in this process.

How was everyone else's weekend?

[ClingingToHope]

Long, fun weekend and now getting on with things financially.

I worked a high school football game Friday night for extra money. Saturday I made it to the 4 p.m. church service, which had what seemed like a custom-made message for me. Love God unconditionally and trust in his path for you and your heart will have no burdens.

After, drove into Chicago to hang out with a HS friend. We picked up a friend of hers, went to Navy Pier, where I saw another friend from HS, to a downtown club on the 27th floor and then finally to some Irish Pub.

After, we talked and caught up until 4 a.m. in the morning. The friend also was friends with W years ago. They were on a dance team together, so she had some insights.

Sunday, co-worker picks me up in Chicago and we drive to Cincinnati for the Bears-Bengals football game. He was covering it -- we both work for the local newspaper -- and I wrote a sidebar so I could get a press pass as well.

Long day. Not home until 4 a.m.

I'm up early though. Both D7 and D10 are sick with 101 plus temps. W texted me and I thought wanted me to come over because I'd told her last week I could work from home on Monday.

When I get there, W is sick as well. She said she texted me, but it didn't go through -- or it didn't happen.

Oh well. I said good morning to the girls and headed home AND put sell orders in on our investment account. That's $3,900 I'll use to pay for a tooth implant -- an old root canal snapped off and there's no money left in our flex insurance account to pay for the implant -- and a retainer on a L.

I'm just waiting until 9 a.m. to call the L who I was referred to to set up an appointment. The sooner the better. Today if possible.

I'm sure I'll crash later. Two 4 a.m. days are too much for a 40-year-old, but right now I'm ready to prepare if another page gets turned in this process.

How was everyone else's weekend?

[awest1217]

Glad to hear that you had a fun weekend! Enjoy those times because that is where you draw emotional strength from, although maybe not physical. lol Hope this week goes well for you!

[ClingingToHope]

Meet with L on Thursday. Second one I called had a lower retainer but was highly recommended. Still, it's a chunk. W called. Sounded terrible, but she needs me to come over and watch the girls so she can go to the bank. I looked at our joint accounts -- she uses one checking, I use another. She transferred $1,000 to a new account she set up. That's $2,000 she's put in there. But she forgot the mortgage will be deducted before her next check so she needs to transfer some back and she can't do it online.

The $2,000 can only be for one thing so the next step in my journey is coming up soon. I'm a little down but not crushed.

[LookingFrAnswers]

Hi CTH,
Just checking in to see how you're doing. I really appreciate you stopping by my thread recently. You sound like you're doing what you need to do, getting a L, looking at finances etc. All necessary things to protect yourself. Also having some fun! That is really important too. Though with kids I'm sure much harder to do. I can't really address your issues re: W not taking your kids when suppossed to but think what others posted here makes sense. Do you have any family who can help you watch the kids if you get in another jam at work, til you get that arrangement legalized?

I am going through the separating finances stuff, ugghhh. Not fun. Wishing you strength through the process. Thanks again for your words of encouragement, you have my support.

[ClingingToHope]

Do you have any family who can help you watch the kids if you get in another jam at work, til you get that arrangement legalized?

I have a cousin who babysat them when they were little who has helped me out on one occasion. My parents have been gone for more than 10 years.

Really, I'm in a decent spot now that I set down a boundary. I will help if I can. If I can't, I can't. I told her it's illegal to leave either one of them home alone for the day (in Illinois, you can't leave anyone under 14 alone for an unreasonable amount of time). That was meant to shake her up a bit -- show that I'm watching in case she skirts her responsibility.

Really, my best hope once we get down to D negotiations is that we get 50/50 living arrangements and a much smaller child support payment.

Of course, she REALLY needs the money right now while she's in our old house. There's no chance she can sell it until next year and very little chance we'll make anything off of it.

She's hurting financially -- she gives hints -- but she's showing me she'll soldier on bravely. She's also still living in la-la land. She's told D10 that they'll just buy a smaller house to fit their needs after ours sells.

She won't be able to do it without a down payment and she's never been able to save a dime, much less the $3,000 she'd need.

Her mother may be able to step in and help there, but it'd be tough. We've been helping her make her real estate payments the past two years.

I know it's going to be an emotional jolt when she files, but right now the clinical side of me is interested to see how it works out. It's like watching an execution. It's scary but you want to see just how they put the needles in.

[billclay18]

Really, my best hope once we get down to D negotiations is that we get 50/50 living arrangements and a much smaller child support payment.

CTH,

Let me make sure you are clear on this...if you have 50/50 custody and she makes more $$$...she will have to pay you child support! I'm in Illinois, have 50/50 custody and pay my exW 20% of the difference in our salaries because I make more $$$...has nothing to do with gender.

I know it's going to be an emotional jolt when she files, but right now the clinical side of me is interested to see how it works out. It's like watching an execution. It's scary but you want to see just how they put the needles in.

Like watching a car crash knowing you can't do anything about it.

[ClingingToHope]

BillClay, I have appointments Thursday and Friday with attorneys. I've been assuming lots of things. Now it's time to find out.

[ClingingToHope]

Good few days of GALing. I had the busy weekend and then last night took D10 to the Miley Cyrus concert in Chicago. It was her first concert ever and she had a blast.

I taught her how, even if the singer says goodnight, you don't leave the concert until the lights come on because the singer wants you to cheer for an encore.

I predicted the encore would end with "The Climb" and I was right. She rolled her eyes.

Still, a great night. She's been sick for five days so I was very worried she'd miss it. Really, is there anything better than making a lasting memory.

On the home front, not much to report. W has been sick all week and has been staying home with both girls. Yesterday, she called to see if I could take D10 to doctor. Initially, I said no, I had to listen in on a earnings phone call. Then she said, she'd bundle up D7 to go with and drive herself.

Well, I didn't want D7 to suffer so I said I'd listen in on the call recording later. Maybe she was playing me, but it wasn't that big of a deal. It's all about style. If she'd said "can you please take her, I really don't feel well?" I would have said yes. Instead she uses D7 to guilt me. She got what she wanted but in an unproductive way.

Doctor said D10 could develop pneumonia and prescribed an antibiotic. I dropped off the prescription and D10 and went to work.

This morning, after dropping D10 off, doctor said she could do the concert but should take school off, she took her medicine again. This time it's causing tremendous stomach pains. W calls me with this panicked/angry tone in her voice. She's upset with the doctor for prescribing the medicine and is going to call her and demand a different medication.

I can tell another bridge is about to be burned. D10's teacher last year stopped talking to W because of her continued accusatory/angry emails. She's already laid into D10's teacher this year. She had a number of angry exchanges with the principal and told me I would have to deal with any issues with him.

Last year, before she'd send the emails, she'd ask me to read them. I'd ask her to tone it down. She'd get mad at me for not supporting her.

W has so many anger/depression issues to deal with it's not going to be pretty. According to D10 though, they haven't come out too much. Mostly, they are getting along well. It comes out in her dealings with me. Once the D process starts it'll probably get worse.

On the trip to Chicago, D10 and I talked a bit. She said she didn't like telling me things that she and D7 do with W because it makes me sad.

I'd heard from my cousin last week that D10 told her I'm always sad and W is always happy.

I told D10 that I've been trying very hard to be sensitive of their feelings and not act super happy around them because I know they'd like to see us get back together. I told her that overall I'm happy and I'll get through this and they shouldn't worry about me. It's my job to help them grow up and find happiness.