Hope and heartache

[billclay18]

So when the time comes to discuss visitation stuff and child support how I bring up the fact that I should pay less because I am putting my own career in jeopardy by continually being the kid shuttle person?

Why are you throwing in the towel on custody? If her long work hours preclude her being the primary caregiver, if you spend more time with them, shuttle them here and there, help them with homework, prepare their meals, etc ...then you are the primary caregiver.

How do you bring it up? Here's how:

1. "W, since I am the primary caregiver of our D's, I will not agree to less than 50/50 custody."

2. "As far as child support, with 50/50 custody...28% of the difference in our salaries is fair."

[ClingingToHope]

Eye-opener conversation last night. I need to get going.

My D10 had a long talk with my cousin at the movies on Friday. My cousin told my aunt that D10 "mommy is always happy now and when I go to dad's he's always sad."

As of last night, that stops. I wanted my girls to know I missed them so we've talked a lot about their feelings. And I've had them a couple of times where I was so distracted by what W may be doing that I wasn't fully in the moment.

No more. The way she's acted this week reminds me why we struggled so much in the first place. What W wants to do on her free time no longer concerns me. My focus now is on myself and giving my girls a positive role model to pattern themselves after.

[ClingingToHope]

Should be sleeping. Instead I'm watching P.S. I Love You. Wonderful movie for a hopeless romantic, which I am. Unfortunately, Hollywood is so not like real life. I always believed in happily ever after and when my marriage didn't unfold that way I didn't know what to do. I so thought I'd be the perfect husband and whoever fell in love with me would just be perfect and we'd work things out with a look or a joke.

I wasn't prepared for how hard it was. Not at all. And my W was in a no win situation. I had unrealistic expectations.

Of course, she's a damaged person as well. Part of the reason I was attracted to her was because I thought she needed me. I worked harder and harder and harder over the years and it made her resent me more and more. So now it's over between us -- there will be no second chances -- and I have to move on and she has to find out whether it was me that made her unhappy or if she can be happy.

I look at the Stockdale Paradox -- it's my quote on my Facebook page -- and wonder if I misinterpreted it. Stockdale, who was a longtime POW, was asked how he knew he'd be OK? He said he always trusted in the end of the story.

I looked at that and thought that I should trust in the love story that I thought was me and my W. Instead, the story is me and someone and my daughters after they've successfully graduated college and started their careers and their families.

It is not the story I hoped for 15 years ago when I met W. But it will be a good story. It will be a great story.

Goodnight my DB friends.

[ClingingToHope]

Couple of things. I have not been able to correctly get a link to work in my profile to my situation. Any tips from the crowd?

Second thing. W just called to give me update on girls. D10 has the flu. We were worried it was the big one -- swine flu -- but she has some of the symptoms but she never had the night of vomiting -- you know the really bad night.

D7 has been staying away from D10 and I'd offered to take her somewhere today so she isn't stuck sitting around all weekend.

So W was asking if I was still going to do that. I said yes I can. Then she tells me a story about how D7 tricked her. She woke saying her body hurt and she couldn't lift her head and she was hot.

W set her up on the couch in blankets, pillows and a TV tray for breakfast. Then D7 told her she tricked her. She feels fine. She just wanted some attention.

A good story. It would have been better to be over there and see it in person -- but those days are likely over.

For inspiration I was reading through the Another Divorce Busted thread and from what I'm seeing there were few quick fixes. A year to 18 months is a more likely timeline. I've just finished month five.

Still, can't get caught up in timelines. I'm off to Chicago tonight and Cincinnati tomorrow and on Tuesday -- if D10 is better -- back to Chicago to take her to the Miley Cyrus concert.

[Kemper]

I went to www.tinyurl.com and filled in the information and then updated my profile with the tinyurl. There were tips I remember seeing for how to have the tinyurl show up with a name (e.g. My Story) but don't remember where I saw them.

Hope this helps a little bit.

[ClingingToHope]

Worked like a charm kemper.

[ClingingToHope]

Need advice from those of you who have gone through the D procedure.

Last Wednesday my W told me she was getting ready to file. I have not retained a L yet. I've gotten referrals and talked to a couple on the phone.

I remember reading once that assets get frozen once she files. Is that true? If so, how are you supposed to pay for a retainer?

In my case, I have about $4,000 in a joint investment account. It's joint in name only. I set it up in 2007 when things were OK, have invested the money monthly, continued to invest after we split up and now that the market is rising I'm actually ahead in this account.

That's really my only asset to pay for a retainer. I'm cheap and keep praying I won't actually need an attorney but it looks like that won't be the case.

If she files, will that account be frozen?

[billclay18]

I don't know if the account will be frozen. In my first D, nothing was frozen, but I think that's a choice between the parties, not automatic. I suggest you take the money out now so you don't have to worry about it when you need it.

I really hope you follow my advice about custody. Don't assume she will get it until you consult a lawyer. D sucks, but if I agreed to what my exW wanted and became a weekend dad, I would have hated myself for not fighting for my D11 and I would probably be resentful of my exW to this day.

Also, if it comes to it, don't agree to a typical 80/20 agreement if you're going to actually have them more than that. If you are going to have the girls 30% or 40% or 50% of the time...put it in writing. The worst thing you can do is have the girls half of the time, but pay CS as if you didn't. You won't have a pot to piss in.

Fighting for my D11 didn't change the outcome of my M, but I think it did help earn my exW's respect and most importantly allowed me to be as big a part of my D11's life as possible. Incidentally...my exW and I have a fantastic R today.

[mishka422]

CTH- you need to ask dday in Surviving about IL D procedure. He should be able to give you more info. As you know, every state is different so anyone outside of IL probably won't be a lot of help in that respect.

[billclay18]

clinging...this is true, every state is different. I'm from IL, as are you, so feel free to draw on my experience.