Next steps in this marathon?

[hopeinwaiting]

I've been posting in newcomers, but wanted to jump here since I'm dealing with an OW. My sitch can be found at:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...419#Post1831419

At this point, my H has been gone since June and is living in an apt. 3 minutes from our home. His A started in March and OW has left her H to be with mine. She is 10 years younger than H and has no kids. He expressed a desire to be "free" before he left. He often spends nights with OW and he is seeing our kids once a week and has now started taking them to his apt every other Sat. night. OW has not met kids - or kids have not mentioned it.

Two nights ago, H expressed interest in how I am doing emotionally. Basically, I get the idea that he is feeling guilt and wants to alleviate it by showing he cares about me and the girls. He keeps hugging me (now I should say that he is a very touchy feely kind of guy and would hug just about anyone), and kissing me in a brotherly way. He is not showing any other physical attraction towards me.

I am trying my best to lay low with regards to the A and do not bring OW into any of our conversations. H seems to really like when I call (which I hardly ever do), and is expressing that he wants us to talk more. However, like I said, seems to be related more to guilt than R building.

He often gets teary eyed and wants to know "what happened to us?" and laments that he is no longer in love with me. H is very conflict averse and is not likely to file for D, but instead keep me in limbo for a while. (unless OW pressures him).

So, should I contact more... should I go dark?

[wifeleft2009]

idk if its guilt or a combo of guilt and missing the life he had.. my W does similar things but now has told me she loves me several times again. one thing i did that was semi natural for me was to pull away after she left each time it set her off. i mean tears total freak out. looking back had i just gone totally dark i think she would have came right back (idk maybe too soon though) so if you are strong enough to do it i would

[hopeinwaiting]

Thanks WL2009. I went dark this weekend. Trying to GAL as much as possible. I think I'll get a DB coach this week to figure out next steps. Trying to keep the pressure off of H... he told me during the breakup that he was in a sense rebelling... Don't want to give him anything to rebel against.

Does anyone know if there are specific differences in the approach I should take in my LRT when OW is involved? Thanks and have a great week.

[hopeinwaiting]

Does anyone know if there are specific differences in the approach I should take in my LRT when OW is involved? Thanks and have a great week.

bump

[hopeinwaiting]

Here is another question for those of you dealing with OW/OM. What are your thoughts about suggesting counseling in efforts to 1)figure out what went wrong/what needs were not met for "closure"
2)maintaining a friendship with your H throughout process.

Seems like it goes against DB/DR, but I thought I would ask.

As background, my H has been in another relationship since march and moved out in June once I found out. He is currently (I'm very sure) living with OW who left her H to be w/mine. We have 2 young children and OW is 10 yrs younger with no kids.

[Sugar and Spice]

Here is another question for those of you dealing with OW/OM. What are your thoughts about suggesting counseling in efforts to 1)figure out what went wrong/what needs were not met for "closure"
2)maintaining a friendship with your H throughout process.
Seems like it goes against DB/DR, but I thought I would ask.

Here are my answers based upon my experiences in own situation.

1) Counseling will only work if both are willing to focus on the issue and do the work to make things right. If your biggest problem is his OW, unless the 3 of you go, don't bother. There is no "working" on the problems when his mind is elsewhere and 3 people in a M just doesn't work. It won't bring the closure you seek. I would go to and IC and just focus on yourself and things that make you happy and boost your PMA.

2) About maintaining a friendship with you H during this process, I wouldn't. I can say this because I have done it and it has caused infinitely more harm to me and our R than if I would have just gone dark. What do you mean by being his "friend?" You will have to remain civil because you have kids, but anything above and beyond that is opening yourself to an whole new level of pain. Again I speak from experience and if I can save someone else from making the same mistake I did, it will have been worth it.

Go back and read my threads from the start and get an idea of what I went through and then decide if that is something that you are able to deal with.

If I had it to do over, I would have only talked to him about the kids and otherwise saved my breath.

Sorry to sound so negative, but I have been through it and its not for the faint of heart.