Hi all- I guess I'm moving here from Infidelity board, where you can find my story, or some of it anyway. Long stories short, husband of 2 years never treated me very well once we were married- probably because of his own issues with depression and possibly sex or romance addiction. I gave, he took. Lots of ups and downs. We have been in an LDR since March when he lost his job and had to take one halfway across the country. I visited him during my breaks from grad school. Things seemed to be getting a little better. Few weeks ago started getting mean on the phone, didn't make time to talk to me, etc. I snooped and found out a woman he just met sent him naked photos of herself- they were texting ,etc. And there was an email from an old friend suggesting that he had cheated on me before. Dramatic confrontation> he admits to 1 past infidelity when we were living together but says nothing has happened with the naked photo woman (uhhh...duhh) He said he knew he blew it, was sorry and ready for whatever I decided. Was initially unwilling to commit to therapy, wanted to know what Iwould do to save marriage! Told him it was over, he realized what he lost, called a zillion times, asked me twice to take him back, I almost did, then we talked about being friends and letting eachother live our lives happy and apart (aside from him cheating and treating me badly we also want some different things in life- there would have to be really big compromises which could cause resentment) Anyway I said I wanted to be with him but couldn't right now- I need to heal and stop being a doormat, he needs to get therapy and prob. meds and make sure he wants me for me, not for the things I do to make his life easier and not to assuage his guilt. He offered to move back here and go to therapy, said if we were apart we would basically forget eachother (based on what has happened for him in our LDR- I could be away from him for years and still be crazy about him). I have had conflicting opinions on the subject of whether you can work through this being separated. I don't even know for sure if I want him back in my life, and so much would have to change for it to work, I don't know if he can change that much- I change my mind constantly. Please give me your words of wisdom, folks! I meant for better or for worse, but also am beginning to believe in tough love.
Just my two cents and call me an optimist, but I think you BOTH can save this marriage if you BOTH want to but it will require time, dedication, and lots of work by BOTH of you. You and your H have some significant issues that need to be address, both individually and eventually together.
I think the best course of action for your situation would be if your H could move back to the same area as you, however I think you should remain living separately for the time being until you resolve your low self-esteem issues and he learns why he has been unable to a committed and faithful spouse in the marriage, is willing to resume a completely transparent relationship with you, and treat you as an equal partner in the marriage.
Then you will need to decide if you can trust this man and have a healthy relationship with him. Good luck.
I agree. However, I will caution that infidelity is a hard thing to get over. The trust has been breached. Now this does not mean you can't get over it, but your H has to be willing to commit and earn your trust again. If he is serious, and this is what you want, then go for it.
On the other hand, you need to really think about what you want. The work will be very hard, and you need to be in it 100%. If you can do that, you have a very good shot and being able to have a stronger marriage. But if you don't, you are just wasting time.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Yeah- I know I have to think about what I want. That's why I resent the pressure to make a decision about it RIGHT NOW. And I don't think it's constructive to say that I'm wasting time.
I don't mean that you are wasting time making a decision. I mean you are wasting time if you have made a decision and don't follow your decision. No offense meant.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Well, the way I work is that if I say I'm going to commit to something, I do. I think that can probably be said for most people on this board- that's why we're here! So, I want to make sure that if I say to him I want us to give this a 2nd chance, I really mean that I am committed to doing whatever it takes, sacrificing a lot, and leaving myself open to further hurt. I could let myself make an emotional decision 3 days after I found out he had an affair, or a rational one once I can see a little more clearly. My concern is that even if he is willing to change and grow, he can't just change the way he feels about me or what he wants out of life. We want to love in two different countries- he's from Mexico- wants to go back there (since about 6 months into our marriage). I was clear from Day 1 of our R that I wouldn't live there- I guess he thought I'd change my mind? It always felt like nothing I did was good enough for him. I know he is sad to lose me because I took REALLY good care of him, and we were going to have kids soon, which he REALLY wanted. I need some confidence that he wants to be with me for the right reasons before I can let him back in my life. Not because I make life easy for him, not because he feels guilty about being a jerk and a fool. And he has to be willing to compromise on where we live- we had planned Texas, which is where his dad is and like 5 hours away from his family, and about 24 hours away from mine, and I was ok with that! But I'm afraid he'll never be happy if he can't see his brothers every day, and I've seriously considered what it would be like for me to go with him to Mexico and I can absolutely say that I would be a fish out of water. So, there's that huge issue to deal with even if we get back together. Blagh. Never marry a foreigner.
