Once I was lost, but now I'm....still lost?

[aliveandkicking]

Just want to say, please be kind to yourself. This is a huge loss and your feelings are perfectly normal.

So sorry.

[sgctxok]

How are you doing tonite, ud?

Really bad, Hoosier. My parents came over to help me pick out a flower arrangement and we viewed the website of the funeral home where her services will be. They had her obituary there and it was very hard to read. I still don't think of her as gone, but seeing it in print sinks that knife a little deeper.

Selfishly, I got a little broken up when I read the list of survivors which included her boyfriend. That was a tough read because I dated and was married to her for 4.5 years whilst he dated her for less than a year. Knowing the burial is private, and I'm pretty sure I am not welcome there since I am no longer family, it's hard to think of being seen as just another friend. I feel like so much more, especially since I spent considerable amount of intimate time with her (more than the BF), but because I was not current, I'm left behind to grieve by myself.

I'm dealing with those thoughts now, and I realize how selfish they are and feel guilty for thinking of myself in this occasion. I almost feel I am mourning her more than most

You're not selfish, you're speaking the truth. And I imagine for a long time you will be mourning her more than most. Perhaps her parents too, but certainly more than others.

It just sucks. Major.

[hoosiermama]

No, not selfish at all.

If there's a wake/calling, it would be perfectly acceptable to attend. Believe me, I know funerals. If there's no wake, it would be just fine to contact her parents if you're still on any kind of terms with them at all, and ask if you might be able to attend any of the services. It would be helpful for your closure--and that isn't selfish, it's taking care of a need that will affect how you cope with this long-term.

[upside_downer]

The services are tomorrow. They have it set up for friends viewing from 9-12 and funeral at 12. The intermet is private, and that is what I questioned whether I will be allowed to attend. I was given the same info posted for others to see, but was contacted by her sister, so I'm really unsure where I stand. I suppose I will know more tomorrow when I show up.

It's just really hard. I still have our wedding bands and as a sign of respect and because it was a big part of her life, I wanted her to have her band, but I'm not sure it's appropriate since we divorced and she had a boyfriend. It's just a very odd place to be where I don't fit into something I was a HUGE part of. I haven't called her parents or sister out of respect, either and these things are all just eating me up inside.

[Coach]

I haven't called her parents or sister out of respect, either and these things are all just eating me up inside.

UD, You are hurting and feel lost about your place in this. Please call her parents and sister, let them know how you feel and that you care for them. There are no right or wrong things to say just make the call out of love for your ex and for her family. Sorry for your loss.

Coach

[hoosiermama]

ud--here's some advice you can take or leave. I spent almost 7 years doing pastoral ministry and bereavement care, so I am sadly familiar with the circumstances.

Calling and funeral are probably the biggest closure events; burial is probably less so, especially since we no longer watch the casket being lowered and covered. So if there's viewing and funeral but you can't attend the burial, you'll be part of the more significant rituals.

It would be fine for you to contact her family, unless you are on extrememly bad terms with them or they would have a tendency to blame you in some way. If it feels awkward to be at the funeral but you still need to be there, sit near the back. If you feel strongly about her having her ring, take the funeral director aside and explain the situation, and he/she will likely find a discreet way to make sure it is with her before the casket is closed. The alternative is to slip the ring into the casket yourself. I would imagine that unless the family has very bad feelings for you, it will be a comfort to them that you cared enough to come to the services. Even if the boyfriend is there also. Suicide is so very tragic and painful for all the survivors that at this point you have far more in common than you have differences. You'd be surprised how much reconciliation and forgiveness comes up during funerals.

I pray that you will be able to find some peace wtih this.

[hoosiermama]

How are you doing, ud? I've been thinking about you.

[upside_downer]

Hi Hoosier. Thanks for the kind words, everyone. Saturday went really well, considering the circumstances. Her family welcomed me back and even invited me to the family lunch after the service. I spoke with her boyfriend and he even told me he was glad I came because he knew that she cared about me. We shared some stories and things about her that annoyed us, or made us laugh, etc. Her service was so heartbreaking. There were so many people there, there was standing room only and people sitting on the couches on the side. I'd say it was easily over 100 people.

It was so hard to see her. I hadn't seen her for almost a year, so not seeing her, then seeing her laying in her casket in a dress she wore on our honeymoon made me cry so hard. I'm still completely heartbroken and feel a lot more closure now, but there are always going to be things I can't get over. I never got to say goodbye, I never got to hear her tell me she loved me again (her BF told me, but not the same), and we were never able to resync and become friends the way I wanted to. I feel like I will always have this hole in my heart because of her, but....I am feeling much more at peace with everything now.