Your wife is really confusing....but that isn't much of a surprise here. She wants a divorce, she isn't happy, she is pushing the separation, but you start giving her what she wants and it angers her. I am sorry to say Walter, but I would almost suggest moving to the mid-life crisis board. The more you post, the more it sounds like MLC. I would say there is a lot of resentment starting to come out also. After the separation everything was supposed to be better for her, but instead you are being happy. That is probably driving her nuts and she is lashing out because of it.
I would definitely take some time and look at the MLC board...I think it may be a better place for you.
Stick with the no contact. What I would offer up is an alternative. Remind W that the separation and divorce is her decision, and if she wants to be a wife, and you to act like a husband, you feel you should seek counseling and BE husband and wife. lostforwards nailed it - you are giving her what she wants, why is she complaining?
I went to no contact with my W for a month - it was ridiculously hard. Probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. She didn't contact me at all, hung out with OM. However, at the end of it, she called to with me happy birthday, then started calling me all the time, pouring it on. Unfortunately, she kept OM in her back pocket, and I had to backpeddle.
The BEST THING I have EVER done in this whole situation is go to no contact. I waded through that horrible horrible month, and I came out confident, in charge, under control, and in charge of everything. W was meek and whiny, and asking me for everything.
I will say the second best thing is patience. In the very beginning, where you are, I went to the no contact for a couple of weeks, and W fell all over me. Very angry at the no contact at first, but I would just put the kids to bed, and go watch a movie, or read a book and ignore her. She started telling me she liked me, then said she wanted to try again. Unfortunately, she is seriously messed up emotionally - and needs medical help, not just divorce busting.
Anyway, I have been pushing divorce for months now, and she finds some way to wiggle around it.
Since your W has obvious feelings for you, I would perhaps throw her a bone in this form. If she calls you, respond, and be as sweet as apple pie, talk for 10 minutes, and have something scheduled. "I have to mow the grass, it's a foot tall." Don't let her hang up first...
Thanks Jon. Since my last post I had the kids this weekend and it went great. As I may have stated before I had them each one day to give them the individual attention and hopefully alleviate the shock. From Thur-Sun when I was picking up and dropping off the kids each time she was VERY mean. Almost like she was a person a didn't even know. I know lost said I should post on MLC but I think my situation is a combo of MLC and WAW, although she wants custody of the kids and is still being a great mother. I think I will start a new group called TAH (Throwaway Husband...LOL). Anyway, I had my daughter on Sunday and she called that night and was totally nice to me and asking me crap like if I wanted leftovers from dinner when I dropped my daughter off the next morning.
I dropped my daughter off at 7:00 am so my wife could see her before she left, as she was going out of town yesterday. She was totally nice again and so was her mom (she is watching the kids while she is gone). I know this sounds paranoid but it;s akmost like she is reading my emails or these posts and has decided not to "play the game". When I was leaving she started to walk me out and I kept walking to the car and told her to have a good trip and I would talk to her "later", but I was really upbeat and happy when I did it. Well, NC yesterday or last night and it killed me but I made it. Hard thing is I doubt she will call this week because I suspect she is on to it.
It is just killing to wonder what she is doing and who she is doing it with while out of town, but I have no control over her actions and need to accept that.
The first week I was out of the house and last week I really felt like I had gained a lot of control over my emotions and now I fell like I am slipping backwards.
For what it is worth she has called me 9 out of 10 times since I left and I have only called about kid stuff. Regardless, I have been the one to get off the phone every single time.
She is just riding the ups and downs of her emotional roller coaster. It happens here all the time and just takes a little time to get used to it. Just think about it from your side....You go see her and no matter what you are going to act happy. So she's you being happy...so there is no way she is going to act unhappy. Over time as you become stronger in your conviction and inner strength the happiness doesn't need to be forced and vice versa..as she realizes what has happened do to her actions...she gets depressed and it is harder to put up the charade of happiness.
You are doing excellent overall. I would also make sure that you check in with the kids regularly and volunteer to spend extra time with them since mom is away. Don't think about what she is doing, but instead focus on being a dad above and beyond what she or her mother would expect.
I forgot to mention my thoughts on MLC. There is differences between MLC and WAW syndrome. The tricky part is noting the differences in your WAS. This is made harder because so many MLC'ers show the signs of a WAS....the reason for this is that being a WAS is usually included in somebody going through MLC. Confused yet? It is confusing and a lot of people go right to the MLC conclusion because of the similarities without careful study and of course the opposite is also true. For me the biggest difference between the two is the time frame of how things will progress. In my opinion, walk away spouses respond to DB tactics faster. Were as a spouse in MLC needs to make the steps through their crisis regardless of what the LBS does or time frame. These steps are critical in their journey and can't be skipped or the WAS will just return to the MLC fog again. The hard part for an LBS of an MLC'er is that the steps take time....a lot of time.
