Well- I haven't been here in awhile, and I'm back. My husband and I have been together 4 years, married 2. No kids. We have had very rough patches since we were married with times in between mostly just ok. I believe he is in some form of early MLC (he is 33). First ILYBINILWY was shortly after we were married, with the first crisis wave. Since then there have been maybe 3 other crisis periods, always following extreme disatisfaction with his job (every time he gets a new job he's happy for a few months, starts hating it, and then starts hating me) Well, we moved to a new state for me to go to grad school, which he initially supported, and since then he has done nothing but say that I'm selfish. He lost his job here and moved half way across the country for a new one in March. We have been in a LDR since then- I go there whenever I have a break- about every 2.5 months I get 2-4 weeks off. Recently he has stopped chatting with me on webcam, says he's too busy. He has said he has serious doubts about our relationship, that he is all alone, that we can't weather the next 1 1/2 yrs we are apart. Also says lots of really mean things to me, is generally not interested in our conversations on phone. I am his cheerleader, I think about him constantly, am loving and supportive, am trying to make money to get us out of our financial stress, etc. I tell him although I am not there physically I am there 100% emotionally, and I am staying in school for our future- he says I'm just being selfish and I don't care about him, which hurts so badly because all I do is care about him! The past 2 weekends he went clubbing till 6am with his brothers and friends. I snooped tonight (I know) and saw that last week, one of the people he was partying with emailed him naked photos of some woman, and he emailed her back some photos of him with his arm around another woman. I don't know what the heck is going on. I've been shaking, bawling, unable to sleep. I am so scared. I have been DBing over the past year and a half, but I don't know what I can do now- this is the first crisis period w/ him gone. I won't see him for another 2 weeks. I'm not going to tell him I saw the emails. Obviously, my family thinks I'm nuts for letting him walk all over me. I don't know why I keep hoping that he'll snap out of it for good. This time is by far the worst and scariest incident, I am waiting for the D bomb to be dropped any moment. Please give me guidance. I am so terrified.
I'm sorry you find yourself here...again. But, if you have to be in this situation, this is the place to be for support and guidance.
OK, first, did you say a woman emailed your H naked pic's? And who were in the pic's? The woman who emailed your H? What do you know about the woman?
Clearly, you need to know what your H is doing with this woman.
Your H sounds pretty immature. Not a slam on him, just an observation. How old are you?
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First ILYBINILWY was shortly after we were married, with the first crisis wave.
Wow. That's pretty quick on the heels of M. Were there any problems before you were M'd?
What was your H's family's story? Any M problems with his parents? What was his childhood like?
Why do you think your H is in MLC? Pretty early for that, although that doesn't have an age limit.
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I have been DBing over the past year and a half,
What, specifically, have you been doing to work on you, to GAL? What have you done that has appeared to get positive signs from your H?
From reading your post, it sounds like your self esteem is pretty low. One of the biggest aspects of DB'ing in my opinion, is building that up. What have you done to do that?
Now, also, take a deep breath, and try to get control of your emotions. You will need to approach this situation with a level head.
thanks giving. it appears after a little research that one woman emailed him another woman's naked pics, which is a little confusing. I don't know either of them, or whether these photos were even of someone he knows. Yes, he does sound immature. I am 27, he is 33. There didn't seem to be any real problems before the marriage (which he was in such a hurry to get into, not me), so I was stunned when he said that. His family- no big surprise- dad cheated on mom, I think was abusive, and left sometime when he was a teenager. He is oldest son of 4, so he's felt many times like the father of his brothers- is still supporting the youngest. Nonetheless, loves deadbeat dad and has good relationship with him. Loves his mother too. Once acknowledged his fear that we was becoming like his father in our relationship, and a desire to do better than that. his MLC symptoms: depression, dissatisfaction with work, HUGE fear of growing old without accomplishing what he wants- he's only 33 but he seems to think he's 50, lifts weights like a maniac, behaves selfishly much of the time, acts like Jekyll and Hyde (sometimes he will do or say something so touching to show he appreciates me, but that's not very often), blames me for everything. DBing I have done- acting as if, GAL (grad school!), small 180s, no nagging, listening, changing the way I bring up anything stressful so it's as non-threatening as possible. The fact that I've gotten through the previous episodes and am still married is due to these efforts. Lately he has really been working at my self esteem, which is sky high between these crises, but now is at a lifetime low. I think that will come around, but right now I'm just hurting so much.
OK. He seems to fit the MLC template. But, initially, it does not matter if it is MLC v. WAS as far as how you treat this.
Have you made any attempt to find out if there is an A at work? You need to know what you are dealing with so you know how to attack it.
You said you had been DB'ing for 1.5 years? That's pretty long if you haven't seen positive signs from your H. Here is a list meant for a new DB'er that you might want to review (some may not apply):
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JenJam's Top Ten DB Tips:
1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.
2. Don't despair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.
3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathising with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".
4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.
5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own time frame.
6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.
7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.
8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)
9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.
10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say. You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.
What have you done that has worked? Do you see any positive signs over the last year and a half?
Sosad - welcome. Sorry about your situation, but you're in the right place, you're among friends. GIMA's list is right on the money - I'm know I'm going keep coming back to it. Gotta go -
Wow! Great top ten. Thanks for posting. I need to print that out and keep it by my computer for inspiration. I think the timeline portion is so important. It is so easy for us to think..well, this should take x time and it just doesn't. There are steps froward and steps back.
sosadny: I'm sorry that you find yourself here again. I just completed grad school and I'm pretty sure it was the straw that broke H's back. No time for him etc. But I think you have to also keep marching forward. My H is also partying a lot! I just think one of these days, the hangover will set in. But then there's that time line again. I don't know when! I do know that his happiness is HIS responsibility. I don't have any advice, but I hope things get better for you and your H.
HIW
HIW M 35 H 37 D 5, D 2 Married 1996 Dating 1992 Met 1988 EA/PA started March 2009 Bomb 6/16/2009 Separated 6/23/2009
Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I do see positive signs of improvement in our relationship, and then he goes into another one of these "moods" where he regresses to age 12. This seems to be par for the course for MLC, which apparently happens earlier in life for latin men (he's Mexican). I do know that as for ME, I have become a better person to be married to- I've learned and grown A LOT. One regret is that I haven't had much luck with boundary setting, and I feel I need to be more assertive, but as soon as I am, he says something mean and I lose my courage. He isn't having an affair at work, he has been traveling to Mexico to visit family, partying there (twice this month), and that's where the mysterious emails are coming from. The good thing is I at least know when he's leaving the country.
just found another email from a female friend of his (who now, thank god, lives in another state), saying that she understood how he felt when he was attracted to her because she reminded him of his ex (this is during our marriage)- also comparing him to a man she read about in an article who was described briefly as "a sex and romance addict who wouldn't leave his wife even though he wasn't in love with her and was carrying out multiple affairs with other women without her knowledge). She also complained of him sounding distant on the phone (this is a few weeks ago.) So there already has been an OW, either EA or PA.
All this time, against my gut instinct, I trusted him hanging out with her. It's fine if you're married and attracted to a friend- feelings are feelings, but NOT fine if you let her know. And with this comparison to someone who has affairs without his wife knowing, it makes me fear that horrible things have been happening without my knowledge. Do not want to confront H because a: I can't handle the truth if it's bad, b: he'll know I was snooping. I wish we could just get past this nonsense. I should be angry but I'm more hurt than anything.
