Since that time my Wife and I divorced (8/08). We had very little contact until January of 09 when I received a couple of desperate text messages pleading with me to "wish her a happy birthday" She had moved 1500 miles away and bought a house with the OM. I just in the last 3 weeks found out that she married the OM in 11/08! I was alittle shocked because we had been together a total of 30 years and her affair with the OM was amere 11 months long before the remarriage. Still it gave me closure. I called her in 7/09 and to acknowledge her marriage and the change in her was drastic. Gone was the anger. The anger was now replaced by a profound sense of sadness over what had happened to us. She apologized, asked for forgiveness, told me she loved me and that she would be in town in a week and she wanted to see our dog. She also repeatedly told me that there would never be another "us"
I was blown away but obliged her request and we met on neutral ground. She looked fantastic and we hugged eachother. I felt at ease but she looked alittle uneasy and kept her wedding ring hand hidden. We met for a mere 15 minutes and I was on my way. For me her getting remarried really was the closure I hadn't received during what was a rocky divorce in which I was repeatedly cast as the bad guy. 10 minutes after seeing her came the first of many phone calls. She expressed her gratitude for letting her see the dog. I told her she looked great and she said the same to me and I cut the call short.
The next morning she called again and told me that visiting the dog was just an excuse to see me. She told me that she couldn't get me out of her mind and had woke up that night in a panic and couldn't breath. We now have exchanged many phone calls and emails and she has told me the following: She loves me and is in love with me. She misses me. She misses my cooking She keeps her money seperate from her husband. If she was ever hurt or in trouble she would call out for me and no one else, not even family. She stills calls herself by our married name, conducts business in our married name and thinks of herself as xxxx (my last name) She asked me if she should just ditch the whole situation. She can't get me off her mind and now crys everyday. She broke down during numerous phone calls and once blurted out "I just want you here with me" "I want you to hold me and love me" She told me that I am a "great" guy and apologizes repeatedly. She told me that I'm adorable, lovable and smart. She has repeated said I'm sorry and expressed remorse over the loss of our relationship. She has repeatedly expressed guilt over not going to marriage counseling. She acknowledged some of her friends which encouraged our breakup as "toxic"
O.K., so I think you get the picture. I'm blown away. I've gone from the anti Christ back to this in a span of about 18 months. I've done some dating but I'm not in a committed relationship BUT she is married. She is 46 and her new husband is 71 and on his 3rd marriage. I asked her if she loved him and she deflected the question everytime with some mention of his positive attributes
I'm stunned.I don't know what to do. I love this woman very deeply BUT she abandoned our marriage, cheated on me, nearly destroyed us financially, divorced me and then married the OM. I never anticipated this.When this thing blew up I did everything possible to get her to the table and nothing worked. She was nothing but angry and nasty. Now this? In the past few days we have done nothing but send eachother songs from our past, laugh, cry and declare our love for eachother. Sometimes we have dead time on the phone where nether one of us says anything and she told me " I don't want to get off the phone"
Is this an "awakening"? Is she crazy? Am I nuts? This is now so complicated I don't know how to approach this. I told her I don't want to be the OM. What do I do guys? I'm really lost. We need counseling but how do we do that if she is married?
To top it off, the new husband works for the same company.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
wow that is an amazing story very hopeful I think counseling would be appropriate if she is serious..she can approach Therapy and D OM I would encourage Therapy either together or individual before getting too involved in her drama again but it definitely sounds hopeful I cant believe she M OM 71 wow what are they thinking???well obviously they dont find the happiness with OP they think they want Thank you for posting to me my xh just M OW saturday I am ok I wonder what will happen Of the many A I read about here only a handful will Marry I wonder how many of that handful will work still I need to move on It also gave me closure peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I cant believe she M OM 71 wow what are they thinking???well obviously they dont find the happiness with OP they think they want Thank you for posting to me my xh just M OW saturday I am ok I wonder what will happen Of the many A I read about here only a handful will Marry I wonder how many of that handful will work still I need to move on It also gave me closure peace
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
Wow. If it was MY wife, I know what I would do... I still want to reconcile, and have not gone thru a D.
I guess it comes down to: Can you forgive her and work thru your anger? Will she D OM? Does she want it enough to work thru the issues that are her responsibility and make the necessary changes?
22 years is a long time to just throw away- it looks like you've got the opportunity to make it better than it was, IF you want it.
Good luck!
Me: 50; Wife: 48 Gay; civil union in NJ no kids M: 15 years, together 17 Bomb (OW) 2/09 (EA 3mos/PA 3mos) ILYBINILWY W out of house, w/OW, in separation talks, nothing filed
I view spouses in MLC much like drug addicts- perhaps not entirely responsible for what they do. Therefore to me it is reaasonable to try to rebuild the relationship once they are out of the addiction and thinking clearly...
Me: 50; Wife: 48 Gay; civil union in NJ no kids M: 15 years, together 17 Bomb (OW) 2/09 (EA 3mos/PA 3mos) ILYBINILWY W out of house, w/OW, in separation talks, nothing filed
I wish it was that simple. I'm not angry anymore. Then again what I know of the situation is bad enough and what I know is probably just the tip of the iceberg.I have forgiven her but that was more for me.
MLCers and the stages they go through aren't necessarily linear. All of what my Ex said could change. Before I could comment further I'd have to see some real committment to the process.If I had to hazard a guess I'd say that the fantasy she had in her head didn't match the reality.She is in the process of taking inventory.
Talk is cheap. She'll have to show me and that is the hard part, especially considering the dynamics of the situation.One thing is for sure. This whole thing created extensive damage and pain. I don't want duplicate that sort of devastation again. I'm not sure my body or my mind could take it again.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
I view spouses in MLC much like drug addicts- perhaps not entirely responsible for what they do. Therefore to me it is reaasonable to try to rebuild the relationship once they are out of the addiction and thinking clearly...
I would agree. I'm not real sure how to gauge if they are entirely done with the magical thinking.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
Interesting story and turn of events in your sitch.
Sounds like you've got the right approach to it. We all wish our S's would have that kind of revelation and the ability to tell us about it. But when you think about it, that's a scary situation to be in. To have her leave you and marry the OM so quickly, and then turn around just as fast and want to come back - it's really not sane.
Definitely wait to see if she'll follow through on her words with actions. Will be following your sitch...
And to Arwen: I like what you said about the drug addict analogy. It was just what I needed to hear to stop me from spinning.
still hoping - It is insane. I hope this is progress. It feels like progress in that at least the anger on her part is gone. I know that the chances for success are slim given the circumstances. I also know that her current marriage isn't even a fraction of what we had and she knows it. That has got to weigh heavy on her. She has painted herself into a very tight corner and it will take a tremendous amount of courage to move on what she knows is right.
We'll see.Thanks for checking in!
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
Now it is all up to your xw to do the right thing and win you back. If she is serious then she needs to D her current h and go to C and work through the process.
In the meantime you continue with your life as you have been.
