Can anyone tell me...when the MLCer finally grows up do they stick with the band or does the band go too? Hubby and the OW spend hours in the bars with bands and now he's in a new band. Feels like we're replaying again. But I was just wondering if anyone had their spouse come through and still hold onto the band.
When they grow up and exit their private hell, some will come out and be just like they were pre-crisis, others will continue to act out fully and not be the person you knew or even care to know now, and some will pick up a trait or two along the way and keep them. There is absolutely no way for any of us to know which ones will come out the other end the way they went into the crisis.
Time will tell...
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't like bands. I love to listen to good music...even bad music if someone is just learning. I was just wondering.
The good thing about him playing in the band...when he's on stage...he isn't touching her or looking into her eyes!
My H was in a fundamentalist Christian band when he started his current affair, 2 years ago! They kicked him out unceremoniously about 6 months later...although to this day I have no idea if the A had anything to do with them dumping him, as he always claimed they wouldn't tell him why they gave him the boot. It's not out of the question that the band members still don't know about H's A or about our marital issues, although gossip runs rampant in these circles.
Now I hear through the grapevine that H is playing solo in coffee shops. Pretty ironic, considering that I spent years encouraging him to do that, to no avail.
Don't know if that helped answer your questions!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
I wouldn't swear on a stack of bibles that the "band" issue is still replay. There are other variables to consider and if you can share some light on his other behaviors, then maybe, just maybe, we may have a more definitive answer for you. But, for now, no one can say "yes, he's still in replay".
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't know how much he sees the OW right now. I don't know for sure when he sees her or IF he sees her. But I know he still e-mails her...but he doesn't do as much around me as he used to. In fact, he's not on the computer as much as he used to be around me. Nights and times that used to be "their" nights together...he might be home now. Baby step.
I can't say that he's at home more because now he spends more time practicing with his band and filling in for more of the bands when called. BUT he tries to be home longer in the evenings when he isn't with a band. Baby step.
My daughter's friends that used to hang around the house have once again started coming over and hanging around the house. It's starting to feel like old times again.
We talk more. We are more relaxed around each other again. He brings me small treats a couple of times a week. When he has extra money he leaves it somewhere that I will see it. Baby steps.
He tells me when he's going to be playing with a band or if he has practice. He lets me know if he's not going to be home when he is usually going to be home. Baby step.
He's doing more around the house again. He is getting involved with the future of the home (i.e. refinancing). Baby step.
He makes "extra" for lunch and then tells me that it's there for me if I want it. If he's home for dinner he will help me fix dinner. We are doing this more often.
He will go to the doctor with me if I ask him or want him to. There for a while...I was on my own. HUGE baby step.
He is finally talking to my daughter again after about 2 1/2 years of hardly being able to stand to be in the same room with her. HUGE baby step.
It's a lot of baby steps. We are slowly moving forward. We are in a better place than we were this time last year. I can tell he still needs his space and that's really okay with me because I still need mine. I'm not ready to go out on a date with him. I'm not ready to spend every night of the week with him. I am ready to watch a football game with him...I think and I can watch a movie on tv with him. We laugh together. We even cried together when our dog died. We are slowly healing. Hopefully we are going to be able to repair our relationship and then ultimately have a marriage again.
The best part of all of this right now is...that he and my daughter are talking again.
This is good news! Baby steps are all over the place! Continue to give him space, thank him when he does things, praise him for the good deeds. He needs the affirmation. The reconnecting with your daughter is the first step in the right direction. Do you know if he's reconnected with other family members and friends?
He's on the right track to growing up. You've done a nice job of being there for him and still focusing on you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He didn't lose too much contact with his family. His nephew has been coming to the house more lately but that seems to be because of his work and school hours. He has reconnected with more of the "guys" who used to hang around the house. He is also doing more with his best friend.
It seemed like he was reconnecting with everyone but my daughter and now that seems to be happening...or has happened. I guess I can mark those 2 prayers answered - friends and daughter.
They kicked him out unceremoniously about 6 months later...although to this day I have no idea if the A had anything to do with them dumping him, as he always claimed they wouldn't tell him why they gave him the boot. It's not out of the question that the band members still don't know about H's A or about our marital issues, although gossip runs rampant in these circles.