Hi everyone, thanks to all who post and respond to these board, I think this group may save lives, truly. Anyway, My H and I have been separated for over 14 months (he moved out last May). During that time, we've spent a few weeks apart (maybe 2 months total), but most of it has been in limbo with him spending a great deal of time with me and our Even taking vacations together. Unfortunately, there has been no sex or affection and after a year of this, it has finally come out in full force (we've been tippy toeing around it up to this point) that he loves me, but not like a husbnd should and hasn't for a long time and he doesn't think those feelings are coming back. At the same time, he doesn't want to let go of the relationship and neither do I. However, at this point, we both see no other option other than a separation (don't have a legal one yet) or divorce, although neither of us want that. But given his lack of feelings, there seems to be no alternative. We both agree that too much time has passed and things don't look hopeful at all. We are good friends still, just not husband/wife anymore. We've been together 21 years and have an 8 year old son.
Counseling is out of the question as he says you can't force what isn't there.
So does anyone have any idea where to go from here? Obviously we need to stop hanging out together (again), did it twice before, but we always drifted back towards eachother after a while, unable to let go. Problem is, the crucial feelings that are needed for this relationship are dead. Our sex life was pretty bad way before he left and like dummies, we didn't address it properly. And we haven't attempted it since he left. We lost our connection, and there seems no way to get it back. Again, how do you force something to be that isn't there?
Any advice or anything else we could possibly try before we start a formal separation?
I would love to hear from others who are going through the same situation. Facing an amicable divorce because there really aren't any problems other than the lack of feelings on H's part.
And how do you proceed with the D when clearly neither of you want it, but both are seeing there is no other choice? How do you get yourself strong enough to do it?
Don't really understand. If neither of you want a D, then simply don't do it. Feelings are developed by spending quality time together. When the two of you first started dating their were no feelings, but after spending quality time together the feelings started to develop.
What problems caused you two to drift apart? I think if you address the problems in the marriage then the feelings will re-occur. If husband doesn't have feelings then why doesn't he want a divorce? If neither of you want to divorce then obviously their is still something there to be salvaged. MC seems to be a good start. Even if he won't go you can still do so.
I think the first step is that you need to develop a positive outlook. Act as if! You keep saying that their is no other choice but D! WRONG! You have choices. Figure out what you want to do and then work in that direction.
Me-47 WAW-42 D-16 S-14 M-22 yrs T-19 yrs ILYBNILWY-3 years ago. Full Story and original posts: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...066#Post1781066
I believe that compatibility and chemistry are largely created. Created by what we do and say. There is a part that is organic, of course, but that is probably already there because you two got together in the first place. How did that happen? What was it like when things were awesome? What were you doing, what were you saying? What can you tell that attracts him now? What is your gut instince that caused the attractions to slip away?
You do what attracts him FIRST....and sustain it. Not...I'm only going to do it if he follows and in short order....it might not be in short order....but it will probably happen.
Some ideas....
Is he attracted to a more natural look or more makeup? Thinner or heavier? more social or less social? More successful or more intellectual or more fun more sporty or more musica
While it seems that some things about ourselves can't be changed...people do it ALL THE TIME.....
Make no mistake, if you want this to work, you will have to change what you are doing. But it might be great fun.
Last edited by sgctxok; 07/18/0901:34 PM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Don't get a D period if both of you don't want to. You have to learn to fall in love again and become attracted to each other. There are obviously still strong feelings between the two of you. A lot of people on this board would love to be in the position you are in right now. Understand what you have and build from there. You can do it. Learn to be each others friends again, learn to talk to one another. Become recreational companions. Remember how you carried yourself when you first started dating one another.
All along he's been saying he doesn't want a D. I don't want one either (in large part because of our son) and certainly there is no rush to do it, so that is the last resort at this point. However, a "real" separation is probably what is called for now. We have been doing this dance for about a year and while he's here with me a lot of the time, he's not here. He doesn't feel that way towards me and he believes, as I do, that after all of this time, the feelings aren't coming back. And neither of us know what in the world we can do to create those feelings again. If we could, we would in a second.
This is very difficult for me to write on a public board but I will: About 5 years ago, I had an illness that caused some physical changes in me. At the time, I was a pretty 33 year old with a great figure. Feeling like I was "losing my looks" pretty much destroyed what litle self esteen I had and made me push him away. I wish he had pursued me more, but he didn't or couldn't and the whole mess caused a huge rift between us. We have't been the same since. And since then our sex life has been awful - wasn't great before. He says he has no desire to ML with me at all. So sounds like the feelings are dead-dead. And I can't completely carry myself the way I did when we first started dating because my illness has caused permanent physical changes that affect me. I try, but I will always struggle with this.
The way he acts towards me now, I believe the "love" feelings he says he has are simply because of our past 21 year history together and the fact that I am the mother of his son. That is just not enough to sustain a relationship. He doesn't even feel affectionate towards me, like wants to hug, hold hands, etc.
So maybe when he says he doesn't want a divorce, he really does because there is no other option? He believes his feelings are gone for good. He believes that he has tried everything he can. I can't change his mind on that.
I am pretty sure that since what I've been doing hasn't worked--being friendly, being a friend, being a wife, that I should try the LRT and go very dim (dim, not dark, because we have a son and a huge expensive monstrosity of a house that we cannot sell and I cannot maintain myself.
I will go dim with the expectation that we are done, but leave the door open a crack?
Any suggestions on how to go dim and maintain it?
We've been spending so much time together, I guess I need to make a clean break here.
Do what Puppy told me to do - Protect yourself AS IF he's not coming back, but keep your heart open and conduct yourself as if he might...
Going dim or dark is easier if they aren't in the house right there in your face all the time...
My hubby walked out of the house last Friday (still stings to type that) after I left for work...
No note, no call nothing...
Just packed and gone...
He did text me later on that afternoon to tell me he wasn't coming home and yesterday was the first time I have heard from him since...
It literally brought me to my knees...I was at work when I found out and just stunned to my core...Came right here and thanks to these people, was able to at least breathe again...
Now a week later, sad to say but it is easier for me with him out of the house...
I don't have to listen to him on the phone or computer...I don't have to hear the OW voice on the phone (she is a loud talker) ...
I don't have to walk on eggshells anymore...Wondering if I am going to say the wrong thing or think the wrong thing or break down in front of him etc...
If you (not about him - you) don't want a divorce, then you don't have to get one...The feelings are still there...They are buried under resentment, hostility, anger etc...Once you can release that, you will find the feelings again...
Just because you have a son doesn't mean you need to keep the marriage together and going in with that isn't going to work either...The marriage is about you and hubby and your son is a bonus...You can not build a marriage on children...
You build it on trust, respect, love, acceptence, forgiveness etc...You know this in your heart
No you can't change his mind however you can change you...Start your 180's (they do work), GAL (works as well) and remeber what I said in the start of my post - Protect yourself AS IF he's not coming back, but keep your heart open and conduct yourself as if he might...
(((Hugs)))
~Serenity
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
The things that make someone fall in love and/or keep them there are different for everyone. Physical appearance and status are important to some people. That might be true with your H. It also might be guilt....maybe he feels guilty for your illness, or that he has had better health.
I don't know if this is similar enough or not....but about 6 years ago, I had an automobile accident, and broke my kneecap. I was in a brace for about 6 weeks. Relatively minor. But a serious turnoff for my man. I really thought he was shallow. I have also had colorectal cancer and a resection. You think that would have been more of a turnoff, but a few years in between, this interaction has been very good (physical chemistry). I am also 20 lbs heavier. (ugh!....and a bit older....more ugh)
He is a guy for whom physical appearance and status is important. Does it make him more shallow. I tend to think so. But that's my personal bent. Still, he is kind and loving, considerate and caring. This is just one part of the picture.
So....I do my best to be attractive with everything else, and work out and eat healthy to reduce my weight and work to get into the best shape I can. I will never be able to change the fact I had cancer and have issues related to that. But I can upgrade to runner (my goal--i actually do more walking than running now, but I plan to run the 1/2 marathon in October instead of walking most of it)
Things aren't always what they SHOULD be, but they are what they are. Be your best self for the both of you.
Mostly....take really good care of yourself, because that's the most attractive thing.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
But I can upgrade to runner (my goal--i actually do more walking than running now, but I plan to run the 1/2 marathon in October instead of walking most of it)
You can do it. I ran a marathon in 2003, then a bunch of 1/2 marathons after that. Before the marathon, the longest race I ran was a 10k.
